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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu in being offended?

29 replies

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:11

a friend of mine came over yersterday with a new skirt for me. i have been looking for a particular type of skirt, not getting very far, she has been out with me a few times so knows this. she turns up with the skirt yesterday, from monsoon, a £60+ skirt. says, i bought you a skirt. i know you wouldnt have looked in monsoon cause you cant afford their prices, but its a really pretty skirt and better than the cheapo type one i know you will end up getting. im a bit mortified.
i feel like she thinks im a charity case. she has done bits and bobs like this before, the odd shall we meet for lunch, when we neet she grabs the bill and wont accept money as she ''knows we are struggling'', or taking dd out for her b day to the cinema and buying her new school shoes cause she thought we could do with the help. or telling her children they cant have ice cream when we go out cause ''evil cant afford icecreams all the time''.
we are not rich, but tbh not totally brassic either. i have no idea where she got this idea, other than things like us not going on holiday every yr, and me telling the kids that we couldnt go to chessington as it was stupidly expensive.
she seems to be on a one woman crusade to help me out financially.
i have spoken to her, said she REALLY doesnt have to buy us things, we dont need it. but she thinks i am worried she will think less of me for accepting these gifts.
the skirt has really got to me.
i know she is being nice, but how the hell do i get her to stop? or am i being prescious?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/05/2011 08:15

Accept the skirt, take it back to Monsoon and ask for the cash.
It does sound very odd, all the behaviour of your friend TBH. Are you happy to accept certain things (school shoes for example) or do you get offended by everything that Lady Bountiful does?

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 08:16

I think you are being a bit over sensitive. If you do constantly mention not being able to afford things in front of your mate, and she has plenty of spare cash, then maybe she does genuinely think you are living on the breadline.

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:19

she is lovely, a really good friend. and her taking dd out as a treat is fab, but she doesnt need to buy us, im her friend. i dont think you should feel you have to financially support your friends.
she had heard me on the phone to oh saying dd was going with her, he asked me about getting dd her new shoes, as in, ''when are you going to take her shopping, they go back to school on xx day'' (as it was in the hols) i said, oh i will take her to the retail park on xx day, they have a decent selection there. so thats how she knew dd needed shoes.

OP posts:

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:21

no i dont mention being skint. we arent really that skint, we dont have alot of spare cash for BIG luxuries but we afford day to day and little treats.
i say yes to lunch, as we can afford to go. not cause i want her to sub me.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 03/05/2011 08:24

If she's a good friend you can just talk to her. Invite her over (so you don't end up in starbucks with a bill for her to swoop in and pay)

"I am so so grateful that you've been helping us out so much, and I don't want you to think it's unappreciated, but I don't think I can keep accepting so much. I don't want you to feel like you need to look after us, or that I am only friends with you because of your money!"

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:27

i have tried, 2 times to say something, once with the shoes, she put them on dd at the shop so she had worn them out doors, so they couldnt be retured. i said, you really didnt need to do that, i was going to take her xx. thanks for sorting it, what do i owe you for them? then when we went for lunch in the easter hols, she took the bill. i said, its my turn to pay, you always do. she said no. i told her that i wanted to, as a thank you for all her help. and that she needed to let treat her. she didnt need to treat us all the time.
she just seems oblivious.

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 03/05/2011 08:29

Take it as a compliment, not an insult. She obviously wants to treat you because she likes you and your family and is generous, not because she feels obliged to.

Tell her you're embarrassed about the skirt if it really is too much for you to accept, or insist that you'll consider it an early birthday/Christmas present and will be upset if she buys you anything else this year. I think you have to let her know that she's making you uncomfortable, but try not to make her feel silly because I'm sure her intention isn't to make you feel like she's supporting your family.

Icelollycraving · 03/05/2011 08:29

She sounds like a v good friend to me! Keep the skirt,it shows she thinks of you & to not accept would be churlish,certainly do not return it,how rude!
Do invite her over though & say you appreciate her but her generosity makes you a little uncomfortable as you can afford things.

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:30

i dont doubt she is doing it to be nice, she isnt trying to offend or belittle me. but it just seems too much.

OP posts:

blindmelon · 03/05/2011 08:38

I do think her comments about the 'cheapo' skirt were a bit much though! But she does sound genuine and lovely. Does she not have kids of her own to splurge on?

Maybe buy her some flowers or a voucher to say thanks, and just try not to mention money in front of her anymore. And next time insist she comes to your house for lunch, so you are the one shelling out not her!

blindmelon · 03/05/2011 08:38

I do think her comments about the 'cheapo' skirt were a bit much though! But she does sound genuine and lovely. Does she not have kids of her own to splurge on?

scottishmummy · 03/05/2011 08:56

she was mean but you have also taken from her too and to an extent you have allowed self to be manouvered. she thinks she can get away with this.now youre both in stuck a role

she - lady wadsofcash
you - deferential pal who takes her gifts

she probably does think less of you for accepting the gifts,sorry but she thinks youre a charity case,she isnt giving graciously if she makes all these comments

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 09:02

Your friend sounds a bit like my Mum, OP, she means very well but can be quite 'brash' in her behaviour. It's meant with kindness though and I think you should keep the skirt (if you like it) and accept it with grace - or if you don't like it, suggest to your friend that you both return it and have a shopping day together.

Was the skirt exactly to your taste? My Mum does this sometimes, random clothing that isn't to my taste and I've asked her to stop many times, but she never does listen. :)

Pagwatch · 03/05/2011 09:08

Tell her.

Has she always had a lot if money?

I was always skint. Then we got lots of money. Getting used to that is weird. You misjudge things. You want to share your luck with your friends but have to be mindful of not being a nob and embarrassing yourself them.

And don't forget too that whilst you are lovely she may also be getting shit from other people as I used to..my sister for example "so we have all eaten,you have 100 times more money than us but you won't put your Gand in your pocket"
It can feel a bit 'damned if you do, damned if you don't"

Tell her. Say ' I love how generous you are, I know it comes from affection but it is making me feel awkward. Can you reign it in a bit?"

Pagwatch · 03/05/2011 09:10

Put your Gand in your pocket sounds like a practice from the hobbit.

Hand. Hand. Ffs

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 13:48

Pag, she works as does her hubby, both in very good jobs, with fairly large pay packets. but they have a big house with a big mortgage, and have to pay out a fair wack in childcare. they have 3 kids, same as us.
i tried to put a £ limit on at xmas, which she agreed to, £20 per person, we both buy for the 5 in the family. she spent atleast double that. i pulled her up on it then and she said that she had bought stuff in the sales, but i could see it was all new in stock things, like next clothes for dd. and a new ps3 game for ds.
she has 3 boys and i have a mix, she LOVES treating my dd to girly things and days out, which i dont have as much of an issue with, she has no other girls to spoil and enjoys it morethan as much as dd.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, the skirt is fab. totally something i would wear! i love it!

i called her this morning and said that i was really happy with the skirt but that she really shouldnt have bought it, she should treat herself to things, not me. she said it was as a thankyou for having her boys last week.( i had them for about 5 hrs, so not days on end) i told her it was a favour and that she didnt need to give me things for doing it. and that if she wants to say thanks she can get me a cake or some flowers. also that she doesnt need to keep spending money on us, as we cant give her the same treats back and i feel awkard.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 03/05/2011 13:52

What did she say?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 13:55

Ah but evilgdil... Those 5 hours you looked after her boys might have meant so much more to her than they did to you. Your friend sounds really nice, and so do you... you deserve each other. Celebrate your friendship in whatever format your considerations for each other take, it really does sound equal. :)

animula · 03/05/2011 13:57

I think you have to commit Pagwatch's last phrase to memory and actually SAY those words to her, looking into her face as you say it.

It is awkward. Who knows why she's doing it. Could be as ScottishMummy says, could be as Pagwatch says, could even be that she has seep issues about worthlessness, and the need to buy affection. People are weird. Point is, you want it to stop. You need it to stop. so stop it you must. In a nice way, that makes it clear you're not rejecting her friendship. Just the soehwat embarrassment-making gifts.

takethisonehereforastart · 03/05/2011 14:05

If it was a thank you then she could have given you a Monsoon voucher and said "this is for taking care of the boys, thanks. Perhaps you will find a skirt you like."

But she didn't, she said it was because you can't afford to shop there and always buy cheap clothes.

She's also made a point of telling her children you can't afford treats and I assume your children were also there at the time. I don't think that is very nice at all.

She could have said no for a number of reasons, "you've had too many treats today" or "it's almost lunchtime" etc. But no. It's "Evil can't afford to buy her kids and ice cream so you can't have one either."

How are the children meant to react to that? She's leaving your kids open to being picked on by hers because your family is too poor and so they have to miss out.

It's not on. And what on earth did she say to your daughter about the shoes? I'll bet she said something and that your daughter felt bad. Was it just the two of them or were her kids there too? And what did she say about the cinema for that matter? I'll bet your daughter was subjected to a running commentary about how you can't afford to take her out for the day or buy her shoes.

She might be doing things like this, which on there own or when presented a different way might seem kind, but all together and coupled with her comments about them are really actually quite nasty and mean.

She might think she is helping you out but she's also making sure that you and the rest of the world know just how bountiful she is being. And the assumption that you can't afford these things is rude too. You might have tighter purse strings that her but she doesn't have to assume you have nothing or rub your noses in it.

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 14:14

chipping, she said she hadnt meant to make me feel bad, and that she likes treating us. i really dont think she will have paid any attention to what i have said, her relpy was the right words but in a brush off type tone, if you know what i mean.
i have no idea if she does it with other friends.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 03/05/2011 14:24

Evil - honestly? Just let her get on with it, it obviously fills some need in her. You have told her you don't 'need' it and you have told her you don't need her to do it to be friends with her, if she still does it then it's clearly feeding a need within her. However, I would pull her up on any comment she makes, especially in front of the children.

Original poster

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 14:40

i dont want to loose the friendship, but we arent a charity case, and im not going to let her make herself feel good by buying us stuff when it makes me feel bad.
we arent on the bread line. but we are careful, and i think she thinks those 2 things are the same.
i think im going to have to just keep on saying thanks but no thanks.

OP posts:

AberdeenAngusina · 03/05/2011 14:49

My mother does this and it drives me nuts. I've tried and tried, but she won't stop. She reinterprets stuff I say as meaning that we're too poor to be able to afford things. I've no idea why she does it, except that I think she honestly thinks we don't have any money.

saffy85 · 03/05/2011 14:58

YANBU to be annoyed I would be too, and embarrassed. It's very generous of her to buy you nice stuff- that wouldn't be the issue for me. It's what she says that she doesn't need to say. She doesn't need to comment that you buy "cheap" clothes, nor does she need to tell anyone else including her DC and yours that you apparently can not "afford" to buy your own kids an ice cream.

Honestly I'd wonder if she was being spiteful when she says stuff like that.

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