Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to expect to be told about my father's memorial service?

17 replies

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 18:57

First AIBU from longtime lurker so please be nice!

To cut a long story short, my dad left me and mum when I was a toddler and moved away away with OW. Serial philanderer with 3 DD's including me. The DD's keep in touch by email. The youngest (23ish) has always been frosty towards me and is "closer" to my middle D(h)S. He has an equally crap relationship with them.

I never saw dad when I was growing up but every now and again he would get in touch, promise me the earth (trips to visit him, gifts, etc) and then let me down. He never paid CM. But blood is thicker than water (!) and about 3 years ago, after I was diagnosed with cancer, I wrote to him, mainly because I thought he would feel bad if I died (!) We exhanged letters for a bit but it petered out. I have always felt something is "missing" and that somehow it is my fault he never wanted to know me.

After leaving, he became an alcoholic and went into rehab several times, once for a full year. It didn't work. About a month ago he was caught drink driving (not for the first time) and committed suicide.

Sounds daft but I was terribly upset. I realised he was never going to explain, or express any regret. The way that he died was also so horrible - I hate to think of anyone feeling as desparate as he must have felt to do that. It just haunts me.

Youngest HS announces that she is going to organise a memorial for him. (For various reasons, he can't be cremated yet). I asked her if she would let me know the details. She absolutely promised that she would ("Of course, you're our family, our sister, I am keeping everyone in the loop" etc etc). Yesterday I found out from my other DHS it is in a couple of days and she hadn't told me.

She has arranged for everyone to write letters to be buried in a box underneath a tree that is being planted. My middle DHS is writing an "I forgive you" letter because she thinks it will finally give her closure. Because of the distance I cannot now participate (and I have not been invited to anyway). If you're still reading after all this, I love you (!) but AIBU to be incandescent with rage that, despite promising, and despite knowing how upset I am, youngest DHS told everyone except me?

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 02/05/2011 19:00

No you are not being unreasonable. I don't really know what to suggest though, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss x

AlistairSim · 02/05/2011 19:03

No, you are not being unreasonable!

I'm sorry for your loss and that you won't be able to be there for the service.

I'm shocked she didn't let you know!

emskaboo · 02/05/2011 19:03

YADNBU, however her grief/your family set up/her parenting has affected her she has behaved appallingly.

I am so sorry that this has happened, and so sorry for the loss of your father and the loss of the possibility of him being able to speak with you about his behaviour.

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 19:03

Thanks Sparkle. People close to me just keep saying "he was a rotter" (which he was) and "he never wanted anything to do with you" (also true!) so just forget it, but that's not the point....he was my dad, and I really think she should have told me.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 02/05/2011 19:04

do you think it was an oversight on her side or intentional? must really add to all the upset.

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 19:09

I confronted her over it but she won't explain why. (If it was me, and I had cocked up, I would admit it! She has not done this.) She says she has "nothing more to say to me" and has asked me not to contact her.

I may be being a bit of a cynical old hag, but I find it hard to believe she "forgot". There are only 3 of us FGS and she remembered to tell her other one!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 02/05/2011 19:12

Can you send a letter to go in the box with one of your HS's. Really sorry this has happened how awful.

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 19:16

The only thing I can do is email something to my other HS for her to put in the box. (I can't get anything handwritten to her in time.) It's not so much that I mind her reading it (but I do a bit....) it's more that I have so obviously been excluded and am not wanted.

FWIW I think it's a lovely idea, and would have loved to participate, but it's so blindingly obvious that she (as the organiser) doesn't think I should.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 02/05/2011 19:24

She's doubtless deliberately excluding you, I'm sure of it. She exercising a control over her relationship with him in death that she couldn't in life. She's trying to make him hers and hers alone. She's compromising with the middle sister because she likes her more. Do try and send a letter with your other sister's if you can, but also focus on yourself and your own feelings. Grief's a funny old bird and I've lost both my parents, it's never the same experience. Is there anyway at all you could go to the service? If you really want to I'd be very tempted to do so. It's about you and your relationship with him too. You do have a right to be there.

shockers · 02/05/2011 19:26

I am so sorry for your loss.... and for all that went before. Being excluded in this way must be gut wrenching. Could you write your own letter to your Father and take it to somewhere you know he loved? You could read it out loud to him and then either burn it and scatter the ashes, or bury it under something pretty. It won't make up for your half sister's behaviour, which FWIW, I think is cruel, but it might help you.

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 19:37

Sparkle - I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is just not credible that this is an accident, and unfortunately with a father like that we all have our "issues" (including me!) There is no way I can go to the service - I have a FT job and it's overseas so would need to travel. Nobody at work knows - they know I am estranged from my dad so I feel a bit of a fraud telling them now just to get some time off.

Shockers - thank you. Yes, I'm sure when the red mist clears I will be able to think of something fitting, and that's a good idea. I have told my other HS that I think youngest HS' behaviour is appalling and she agrees that I should have been told. Nice DHS has been a bit quiet since then so I suspect she wants to remain neutral, which is fair enough, although I had hoped she would stick up for me!

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 02/05/2011 19:54

Shockers idea is a great one. As to the anger, ride it, harness it, let it guide you through the hardest first few days & weeks. It serves it purpose, to keep you going, functioning. And as you say, when it clears you will have a bit of distance between you and the youngest sister, and you can create your own fitting memorial to him which she needs not even be made aware of. I'm presuming you won't be maintaining a relationship any closer than currently with her?

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 20:04

No, I won't be maintaining a relationship. She has asked me not to contact her and I won't. I have told our shared GP's what she has done (very angry at the time!) because I don't want them to think i have chosen not to participate. No response from them yet.

Sparkle, I have just re-read your post and I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. Should have commented before - head up arse obsessing about this bloody situation!

OP posts:

Hassled · 02/05/2011 20:10

Of course you should have been told. I wish I could come up with a plausible explanation re why she's been such a witch - but other than the fact that grief hits people in many strange and horrible ways, I can't. My guess is that she's very screwed up by her relationship with your father and by his death, and the memorial service is one of those "pretend everything was fine and that will make it fine" blinds. Meanwhile she's taking her issues out on you.

2rebecca · 02/05/2011 20:17

Agree with shockers. Your half sister's memorial has no real link to your father and is just at a place of her choosing so have your own memorial service with people you care about and who will support you somewhere that means something to you. You may find this service is more moving than feeling an outsider at someone else's gathering. Would your mum be interested in coming?

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 20:22

Thanks Hassled. She is being treated for bi-polar disorder apparently, but I don't think that's the reason for her behaviour. (She has been on meds for a while, is otherwise well-adjusted (holding down job etc), and AFAIK being BP would not induce random nasty cow-like behaviour solely directed at me!)

She has also told lies about our other HS (e.g. that she and HS were trying to claim his ashes so they could bring them to the UK and the three of us could scatter them together.) She said this when I first confronted her but my other HS knew nothing about it. Suspect it was a frantic backpedal/damage limitation exercise.

OP posts:

Original poster

LurkingBeagle · 02/05/2011 20:27

2rebecca, yes, that's just how I should look at it, thank you. The service is more about her than him. I expect when i have calmed down I will want to do my own thing and remember him in my own way. I don't think it would involve any family though, my mum is quite hard-nosed about it, and to be frank, he pissed his own parents (my GP's) off so much over the years they have had no contact with him for 16 years. I am just a sentimental fool who always secretly hoped he would wake up to himself one day!

OP posts:

Flip