To be avoiding my bereaved mum because I'm finding her impossible

[Spudulika]

..... lost my dad February 2010. Thought my mum would die of grief. They had a loooooong and unusually happy marriage - did everything together and were full of affection for each other. We've all rallied round over the past year (me, my older sister who has moved in with my mum, my brother, and my mum's friends) and tried to keep her going, though it's been difficult at times. She's had bereavement counselling and is no longer crying on and off all day, every day.

Over a year on and I'm not expecting any *massive changes. They were married for nearly 50 years and I know she's never ever going to 'get over' losing him. But I'd hope for a very, very gradual increase in happiness. And this seemed to happen for a while. Her physical health improved, she started to go out more. Things appeared to be slowly getting better.

However, over the past few months she seems to have gone through a personality change that's making her incredibly hard to be with. She's very bitter and touchy and critical, to the point where I've become wary of saying ANYTHING to her that isn't 100% positive. An example of this would be the other day when she made me a sandwich while I was visiting her. Her eyesight is very bad and I think she didn't realise that she'd totally overloaded it with salt, to the point where it was actually making me feel ill as I ate it. She said 'is your sandwich ok?' and I said it was, because I felt that if I told her it was too salty she'd get angry with me. Later I said to her that if she got an electrician in to check one of the dodgy light fittings in the kitchen he might suggest she has some rewiring done. Her response was a very ratty 'Yes - I know that'. She's terrible with my youngest, who is five and has ASD. She's very controlling - over silly, pointless things. I mean it's literally non-stop telling off and instructing. And he's really not that bad - a bit silly and hyper sometimes, but not destructive or aggressive or anything.

Last week he accidentally broke a cheap, narrow bottomed vase she had on the floor by the front door, while taking his shoes off. It was a complete accident - I was watching him and saw that he wasn't being silly or careless. She immediately said 'Now look what you've done!' and when I responded, 'mum - it was a complete accident' the response was 'yes, but he's always doing things without looking where he's going'. She then repeated this to him. He was very upset and started to try to pick the glass up, at which point she got angry with him for that too. On the way home he said that she'd told him that she'd had the vase for 10 years. He's 5 for goodness sake. And even though he'd said (and I'd said) sorry over and over again, she had to wait until I was out the room and then guilt trip him.

I know I ought to see her more (it's an hour's drive to hers and I usually go once a week and talk to her on the phone every day) but I feel an intense reluctance to that I'm finding hard to overcome. Recently I've gone a fortnight without visiting and had a few days go past in the week when I haven't called. I feel that I'm constantly walking on eggshells when I'm with her, just waiting for her to snap at me over anything. And she does snap and gripe and take umbrage at everything.

And I HATE taking the children over because of the way she's been behaving with my youngest (even though I know she adores him and also gives him lots of hugs and kisses). I go over there with him and just feel so stressed and tense.

I'm wondering if this is a permanent change of personality, and if it is, how are we all going to cope with it. She was very angry for a while in the first few months after my dad died, but that anger wasn't directed at us and the rest of the family.

Any thoughts? (ps - know I should have put this on the bereavement board but usual excuse - it's busier here!)

My parents had a similarly uncommonly happy marriage. When dad died 6 years ago, my mother became the hurt-monster - she was in so much pain she lashed out at others, albeit in a cold and deliberately spiteful way. It took a while to realise why she was being so hurtful herself, but there was simply no other way she could express what she was feeling. It's not right, but it's understandable.

It was awful, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

A glimmer of hope; she's unrecognisably better now, and I'm really proud of the effort she's put in to build a new life with new friends. As others have said, time is the key. It may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

YABU

You're all suffering, but her more than anything. She needs people around her. When my Dad lost my Mum, it was hell on earth - and I was only 15 at the time.

He became bipolar, I had to stop going to school, etc. There were times when I couldnt say anything for fear of him going off on one.

But he was greiving, the same as your mum still is right now. Imagine how she would feel if you stopped going to see her, in her eyes, it would be like losing something else all over again.

Please perservere (sp) with her, it does get better litttle by little

Your Mum sounds depressed and lonely and utterly lost. She just wants her mate back doesn't she?
Does she do anything with her time?
Could you get her to volunteer for a local charity shop or something? Open up some new horizons and friendships for her?
Basically she really just needs some more time. But don't be too kid-glovey with her. If she is rude and snappy tell her to stop it and that you are grieving too.
Best of luck.

Sorry for your loss but you really are being unreasonable. I lost my dad in June 2009 after a very short illness and my mum was/is the same as yours. I live 10 mins away and make a point of seeing her most days - difficult as it is. My brothers for whatever reason (both live 1 hour away) rarely see her. So I have to deal both with her grief and her feelings of rejection by my brothers and sisters-in-law. It isn't easy but life isn't.

atmywitssend - sorry for your loss too, losing a parent really does such. But I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. Where is it written that, when we lose a parent, we also have to absorb all the bile that is spewed out by the surviving parent without getting even remotely upset by it? It's interesting that we've all had parents who have died, and that we have such different perspectives on it all. In my case, I simply couldn't do any more for my mum than I did, and I still got snapped at/criticised/bitched at/reduced to tears on a daily basis, and it took a lot of counselling to make me realise that I could not, and should not, become a replacement for my dad. You can support your mum, but you have your own life to live too.
You would (in my opinion, and it's only my opinion) be unreasonable actually to confront your mum at the moment, but you are not unreasonable to be feeling the way you do.

So atmywitsend do you suggest that the OP simply shrugs and thinks "Ah, it's all understandable, and life's not always easy" and allows her son to continue to be bullied by her mother?

After my dad died my mom was particularly difficult for years - her heart was (and is) broken and as an adult I can now appreciate this. That doesn't mean it wasn't difficult to be around her. She was short tempered, easily angered, got upset at every minor thing. I do think it altered the course of her personality forever to some degree but it also has gotten better.

I would say gently call her on how she speaks to the children - don't let it slide altogether. I think we did and my mom took to behaving that way as a matter of course as it went unchallenged for so long. I'm not even sure my mom can self reflect on her temperment its just whats usual for her now. But also be patient - a year is really nothing. My dad died 21 years ago and I remember all that emotion like it was yesterday - I'm sure its a hundred times worse for my mother.

She's your mom and she needs you - try to take it in stride and put yourself in her shoes.

Big internet hugs.

I know how difficult what you describe is and hope it improves. However, I'd be more worried about your sister because living in that atmosphere is awful, no question and esp if she sees no way out. Plus if your sister moves out you may see your mother improving in terms of having to go out by herself etc which may actually over time improve her own feelings. I dont have any advice though in terms of how to improve things, deal with them -just wish you luck

In the circumstances maybe visiting without dc is an option. But do keep up the daily phone calls. I did that with my mum except in the week before she died. Forgot 1 day and than she was on holiday so didn't speak to her in last week.

I don't agree with those who think that bereavement is a reason to be horrible to people for a year or 2 after the bereavement and agree with those who say that if someone is pushing everyone away they need to be told they are being nasty and unpleasant and advised to see their GP or a bereavement counsellor as it can easily become a way of behaving permanently if people don't stress that being horrid is unacceptable and will just make that person feel more unhappy long term.
After my mum died my dad didn't have months of being horrible to us.
I think sometimes people tolerate bad behaviour in women more than they do in men.
If this had been my dad I would have told him that he seemed to have had a personality change and discussed why he was being so unpleasant to people and made him see that it made me not want to see him. Sometimes depression can present as aggressive nastiness rather than passive miserableness, and as others have said bereavement can have aan angry phase.
If this isn't a brief transient phase though I would encourage your mum to get help, and pull her up on iteach time she says something nasty.
Your sisters living arrangements are her affair.

It took my Mum about 8 years to come out the other side. During this time, she lost all of her friends, except three. One of them said to me "I feel I have to keep going to see her as she doesn't have anyone else." She told me regularly that I was "shit as a daughter" (I live overseas) and would tell me regularly everything that I had done wrong and would "never be able to put right" with my father.

She fell out with her sister - told her she would find out soon enough what it was like to be a widow (her husband is chronically ill) and her brother - told him she expected the next time she saw him, he would be "in his box." Neither spoke to her for about two years.

She has, over the past few years joined some clubs and is making some new friends. But she can still fly off the handle with me and be incredibly hurtful. She uses the phone as a weapon - never calls me, and if I don't ring her every week, makes out she doesn't recognise my voice when I call. I do "bite back" now, and she usually backs down and apologises.

I think you are in for the long haul. Good luck. And my sympathies to you and your sister.

OP I'm sorry to say that something else occurs to me as I read your thread. What you describe could be down to a grief reaction, but also I wonder if the personality change could be down to the beginnings of a dementing illness. I'm right in thinking she's in her 80s?

Sometimes the death of a partner can remove the defences that someone in the early stages of dementia has had, which has been holding them together - emotional and also practical. I think there's some evidence that dementia can be unmasked after the loss of a partner, because subtly, the partner has been helping the person keep track of things when short term memory is starting to suffer, and helping with practical tasks.

I know this is a painful thing to think about - and it may well not be anything to do with what's going on, but I'd advise you to look at The Alzheimers Society website to give you more clues , and also advice about what to do.

How old is your mum?
Is it all down to grief or could it be something else?

So sorry about your dad :(

Your DM sounds like my MIL, DFIL died 3 years ago, and she is never has a good thing to say. Nothing we do is good enough for her, there is always something wrong and she cries if we won't do something for her. I can't see her being any happier tbh. We could offer her the world on a plate and she would still not want it. She s still grieving for DFIL, she wears black for the week of the anniversary of his death.

Maybe your Dsis should move out and give your DM some space of her own? or is that not possible?

Mum is 76. Yes it has gone through our minds that it could be the start of dementia but she doesn't seem to be showing any other signs. Yet.

Actually she volunteers a day every fortnight to work with elderly people with Alzheimers in a day care centre. This was what she did before she retired. And she's recently been offered a job as a companion to a lady in her 80's - a friend of hers who needs a bit of help a couple of afternoons a week. Just chat and tea and maybe a bit of help with personal care (nothing strenuous). She's agreed to do it and is going to be paid for it, which is good for her self-esteem.

"However, I'd be more worried about your sister because living in that atmosphere is awful, no question and esp if she sees no way out"

yes, I can see a really good argument for her NOT living with my mum. Except she drinks more when she's on her own in the house and it would be a financial struggle for her to live alone. There are also financial issues at stake too for my mum. My dad did an ill-advised equity release which has left a debt on the house which is snowballing at an alarming rate. My mum would find it very difficult to live in the house on her own without financial input from my sister. (big garden, high heating costs and maintenance rates). Her pension isn't great and she's got no savings. There's talk at the moment of my mum signing the house over to my sister and my sister raising a mortgage to pay off the equity release and create a separate living space for herself.

atmywitsend - if my mum lived ten minutes away I'd see her every day. As it is I see her once a week. Twice a week sometimes, or three times a week if she'll make her way over to my house midweek for a meal (not hard - it's a fairly easy train journey and my sister picks her up and takes her home on her way back from work). But she's not come over for weeks and weeks now. Even though I keep asking her. I've tried to persuade my mum to think about selling the house and buying a place for her and my sister near me (I'm also only 10 minutes from my sister's workplace), but my mum likes where she is and won't move.

Anger could be a sign of dementia.

Don't suppose you could persuade her to the doctor for a check-up?
Otherwise a frank discussion about her behaviour towards your dc would be in order.
And I'm sorry, but grief is no excuse for how she behaves towards them.

spudulika I could almost have written your op, sorry for your loss. I think that grief affects people in so many different ways. My dad died very suddenly a year ago this month, it doesn't feel a year.

There have been times over the last few months when if I said the sky was blue and the earth was round my mum would have argued.

I think the controlling behaviour is a way to keep hold of what is left around her somehow. My mum also has failing sight and I know that this terrifies her.

Last month it all came to a head and I finally had a 'little bit of a shout' she tried the motherly bluster and when she realised that I wasn't going to back down she sat down, shut up listened (a biggie)and finally started giggling, I started giggling. Since then she has been more relaxed and less spiky.
Weird but this whole year has been weird

Maybe if she won't come round to see you go round with a meal, takeaway, just try and keep the communication flowing. It sounds like you are trying all the right things. Hug her, buy her something sparkly take her to the pictures and if you have to don the hard hat hopefully it will slowly get better for you all.

Agree with the other posters it is still early days, the rest of the world moves on and we are left floundering. thinking of you.

Reading this thread my mother frequently behaves as you all describe and doesn't even have the excuse of bereavement (although she is on her own, having got divorced at 45). She seems perpetually angry and genuinely doesn't seem to be aware of how hurtful she is. She spends vast amounts of time moaning to golden child brother in Australia about me and DB who are here. I do wonder if it is early onset dementia of some kind, although she is also perfectly fine in other respects.

Would it be less intense if you went out when visiting, especially now that it's so warm? Eg., a big walk in the countryside, shopping for clothes, the garden centre? I know that it may not solve the problem but it might avoid it?

Spudulika - sorry about your Dad.

Is it possible that some of your Mum's behaviour is caused by depression/anxiety? For example, with the driving thing, bereavements can mess with your head to the extent that you don't feel confident and in control of a car.

Does she have problems sleeping and does she show any other signs of depression? She's going to be deeply grieving for her husband and that's natural, but it is possible for bereavements to trigger depression/anxiety, in which case she'll need a bit more help. Maybe if you explain you're concerned for her she might go and see her GP?

Agree with Panda1234 that your mum's negative behaviour could well be a sign of depression and you could gently suggest that she sees the GP.