to think it's harder to "praise" a teenager than a younger child

[tryingtoimprove]

My mother came over to visit yesterday, and was asking what the kids had been up to during the past week:

My dd (15) said she had been to cadets playing in the band, and we chatted about what pieces she had played etc, and that she had been shopping, and she showed Grandma all her new purchases.

My ds (7) isn't a talker so when Grandma asked what he had done this week his response was nothing. So I said 'actually he's had a really busy week and was listing things a) to chat and tell Grandma and b) to try and get ds to engage - so it went (and this is NOT stealth boasting)

He had a piano lesson - he's going to take his second exam this term
He had a swimming lesson - and got his 100m badge - go and get it to show Grandma
He had a karate grading - and got his green belt - go and get it to show Grandma
He was in a gymnastics competition - and came second.

So he has had a week of achievements (this is a very rare week) but his sister no longer does music exams, but we chatted about her playing this week, she no longer does swimming but when she was 7 got her 5000m badge (lots of praise at the time), she did a gymnastics competition last month and came 3rd and Grandma had come to watch her in that.

Now my AIBU part was my mother said that every time my ds is praised for doing something my dd has to be praised too. And I said that's not possible nor right, as where she's older, she is doing fewer "achievement" things, although I always praise when she does something and go and watch her in her parades/competitions etc, but when she was younger she was achieving things as frequently if not more so than her brother now is and was showered with praise at the time of achieving them, the same way as her brother is now.

So AIBU in thinking you cannot do tit for tat praising, and that it all equals out in the end, or is it unreasonable to praise one child whilst not praising another child at that time?

I think you need to praise effort. Research shows that children who are praised for effort rather than achievement, tend to do better at exams and work. Makes sense really as all of most of us will find some things fairly easy to achieve with minimal effort and some things very hard to achieve with lots of effort.

No you shouldn't have to praise them equally. But it may be that she thinks you are not praising your DD enough. It is really easy to do this as it can feel more natural to praise a young child than a nearly adult. But 15 year olds still really really need praise - although they rarely show it. So not a bad idea to try and make an effort to find things to praise her about.