You know that advert?.....
Becaroooo · 02/05/2011 11:13
....the one that describes mothers as being the headless person in photos, the person in the background all the time?? (sorry, cant remember what company/product its for!)
AIBU that it makes me feel so sad?
I feel sometimes that no one would notice if I just got a cardboard cut out of myself and propped it in the corner - well, it would have to clean, cook, wash and iron but you know what I mean....
I realise that I probably am BU, but I feel pretty unappreciated and, frankly, like a skivvy.
My youngest is only 2 - with all the joys and nightmares that brings! - and my eldest is 7 and is currently being assessed for SN so its been a rough few months and I have dealt with it all alone. My dh has found it very hard to accept that ds1 is not "normal" and without the MN SN boards I would have been completely alone
ds1 is now having therapy and I feel much more positive about that situation but I am really starting to resent dh and his attitude.
The only things he does round the house is empty the bins (I dont do it properaly apparently!) and empty the dishwasher in the mornings (but he forgets quite often)
I am a SAHM so, of course, the main burden falls on me and that is absolutely fine, but health wise atm I am not too good (awaiting a couple of ops and on some long term meds) and am finding keeping on top of things hard.
I spent 2/3 hours ironing on saturday. Yesterday we took the dc out for a picnic at a local beauty spot so I was rushing and put the dc clothes on their beds ready to put away when I got home. Feel dog rough atm due to a cold/virus and went to bed for an hour when we got home. When I got up (well, when ds2 jumped on my face!!! ) I went into the boys room and the clothes I had spent AGES ironing were piled up in a heap on the floor. I went mad and shouted and put the clothes away.
Dh doesnt understand why I got so upset....I am having problems with my shoulder/wrist atm (possible RA) and ironing bloody hurts!!!! I think it shows complete lack of respect for what I do round the house - he thinks I overreacted.
AIBU? Because I honestly dont know anymore...maybe this is just what being a SAHM means????
strandedbear · 02/05/2011 11:18
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 02/05/2011 11:32
There was a thread about those of us who hate it because it is peddling shit about what Mothers are...a lot of us feel the opposite...I dont want to be seen as a Martyr thank you very much.
But if you feel sad OP then you are not in a fair relationship. You need to speak to DH.
and STOP ironing.
Why pend 3 hours out of your life removing creases rom clothing? How bizzarre! I see that if your DH works in a proffession where he has to wear shirts...then that might be fair enough. BUt dont do all the kids stuff!Or casual wear. Give yourself a break because nobody will do it for you.
Ephiny · 02/05/2011 11:40
Yes stop ironing if it's causing you pain and stress, surely it's not necessary for the children's clothes, and if your DH needs shirts etc ironed he can do them himself (or do what my DP does and get them laundered and ironed by a shirt service near his workplace).
Have you talked to your DH about how you're feeling and that you could do with some more help and support from him? Better to do this than go on suffering in silent resentment, it doesn't need to be a criticism of him, just saying that you're struggling a bit at the moment. I know you're a SAHM but I think in a good relationship you should be helping and supporting each other when needed, not sticking to a rigid division of labour/roles for the sake of it.
I hate that advert too
Granny23 · 02/05/2011 11:45
Becarooo - Sorry the replies so far have been so banal. Your 'end of tether' position jumps out of your post at me and rings so true. My other Granny friend and I have just had basically the same conversation. Both of us are not in the best of health, but we try to show a brave smiley face to the family and yet feel taken for granted. If you complain or ask for help then you are whiney and get ignored until you 'come out of it', if you do your best in spite of difficulties, no one acknowledges your struggle.
I am pretty old now but have never managed to resolve this dilemma. The best I can manage is to take some self satisfaction from having done every thing I can for my family and try to believe the sentiments written in the Birthday and Mother's day cards.
Sounds as if you could do with a few days away alone - is this at all possible?
Becaroooo · 02/05/2011 12:04
I agree resentment is not good...I do not like feeling this way.
How do you not iron clothes that need ironing???? Sorry to sound dense, but I really dont understand. I dont particularly want my dc running round in creased/crumpled clothes...is that weird??? I also only iron what is absolutely neccessary. If I could afford it, I would use an ironing service in a heartbeat!
granny It is a dilemma, isnt it? I would love a few days away alone but my eldest dc SN would make that very difficult (he does not cope well when things are not "normal" and hates me not being there - I went on a hen afternoon a couple of weeks ago - singalong a sound of music!! - and he was hysterical by the time I got back at 8pm..sigh.)
We are going on hols in 6 weeks - my first hol in 9 years where I wont have to cook and clean!!!! - and I am so looking forward to it I cant tell you!
Becaroooo · 02/05/2011 12:07
ephiny Its odd, I would never have imagined me in the role I am in now...i.e. "traditional" SAHM.
But I guess stuff happens in life that we cant foresee...in my own case, its been my own ill health, and my eldests health/SN issues that have meant that going back to work has never realistically been an option for me, but this may change in the future. My youngest starts school in 2 years time and I would like to find some PT work then....but who knows??
Ephiny · 02/05/2011 15:19
Oh I know things don't always turn out as we expect/imagine, not necessarily saying it's a bad thing for you being a SAHM (though it does sound as though it's getting to you a bit) but that maybe temporarily your DH could take on a bit more of the housework etc role to help you, if your health etc is making it particularly difficult for you right now. e.g. maybe he could do the ironing if it's painful for you?
As for ironing - I just don't do it, never have, don't know how to explain it any more than that! :) I know lots of people do consider it essential though, and there have been many very polarised discussions on here...
Hope you enjoy your holiday anyway, sounds like you've more than earned it!
blindmelon · 02/05/2011 19:46
Just wanted to say you really need to get your DH to help out more. In our house nothing gets ironed apart from DH's shirts, which he does himself. I am an expert at shaking things out and hanging them in such a way they don't get creased! A lot of my own tops I dry on hangers, I find that reduces creases too.
We have a rule that I cook in the week and DH cooks at weekends. It works for us - he enjoys cooking and I get a break at weekends. He is also pretty handy with a vacuum cleaner though only at weekends, in the week he gets home too late.
If you are having health problems he really needs to help you out more, you sound really sad and I'm sure he wouldn't want that.
That advert also makes me cry, partly cos I miss myt own mum and partly cos I am always the bloody headless one in photos!
Becaroooo · 03/05/2011 09:03
Yes. We need a chat.
I just hate it, though. I just end up sounding like a nagging old harridan.
Do you know, there are no photos of me at either of my dcs b day parties????...I am always in the kitchen doing the food, playing party games, tending wounds, handing out drinks etc etc
zikes · 03/05/2011 09:15
You sound like you need more help and your dh should be the one to take up the slack.
Vis the ironing: To me, I think you should choose the kids looking a bit scruffier over being a martyr: you're in pain and building up a head of resentment. That's more important than smooth clothes. The children won't care about it, they won't thank you ever in their lives for daily uncreased clothes.
It's your standard, so either choose to put yourself through it or don't.
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