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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding problems.

16 replies

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 09:39

I'll try and make this long story short . . . .
We are getting married at Xmas - I am so excited and so happy and am marrying the most perfect person ever, but my bf wants to invite his ex's brother who he has stayed friends with years after they split.
His ex was the most bitter and horrible person that I know of.
In the end we had to invlove the police due to her actions and general harrassment. Her behavior included announcing my pregnany of fb when we had not told many people and had had some problems with the pregnancy, saying she would put her daughter in care so we could not see her, saying she would do everything she could to cause problems with me and my ex (we have children together and have remained good friends because of this he did not believe her lies), 30 or so text messages a day, all day, her bf threatened my bf with violence, telling people we did not look after her daughter properly, we looked after so well - these are just few examples it was 18 months of this until she broke contact after weeks of emotional abuse e.g. we would pick her up, drive ten mins away, she'd phone and ask for her back, when we got back she'd say 'take her way' her daughter would be in tears and really confused.
Saddest of all was the children, especially her own daughter being used as a weapon, its hurt her so much and now we don't even see her.
Its hideous and so Jeremy Kyle. I have no time for it, My life is my children and my family and friends and I have a job!
When I had our baby togther - she was 2 weeks old at the time, she caused problems with her lies and behaviour then too, now its my wedding and I don't want to another beautiful thing affected by her involvement.
I don't want the ex's brother to go to the wedding, reception or stag do as its a constant reminder of her and she's caused my and my family enough heartache :(

I also don't trust him not to discuss the wedding with his sister, she's the sort of person who would try and ruin it if she could.
Please advise on if he should come or not if you were in my situation.

Please be kind! x

OP posts:

IreneHeron · 02/05/2011 09:45

What's the brother's relationship with his sister like? Does he know she's a nightmare? How likely is he to be discrete?

YANBU to not want any more hassle, it is your big day after all and you don't want the worry to get in the way. Would the brother understand this? Surely your DH should understand this.

hairylights · 02/05/2011 09:47

Yabu. The brother isn't his sister. Take him on his own merits. If he's a good friend of your DP and he wants to invite him then he should

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 09:50

He helps her with her daughter and supports her but not close with his sister, he has had problems with her too in the past, she has had in every possible relationship pretty much.
I think he would be discrete to be fair but I think I just don't want him there.
Thanks for answering so quickly, its the first time I have posted on here and I felt nervous! x

OP posts:

LadyThumb · 02/05/2011 10:17

I think you are very VERY unfair on the brother - he is NOT her! Are you going to try to cut him out of your DP's life completely after the wedding?

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 10:45

No I'd never do that my bf can make his own choice I would never cut him out. I just don't want him to be there on our special day, its private. Our wedding, reception etc is only tiny anyway. I wouldn't dream asking my former in laws, I get on with all of them and my ex (he's nice guy, just didn't work for us, he's no problem to anyone) but still wouldn't.
I am just worried what if he did tell her details of when and when it was she would do something to ruin it - that is the kind of thing she would do her past behaviour tells me so!

He's not close to her due to things she has done to the family but even so would any persons loyalty lie with their own family i.e if she did ask about it he would tell her? I am guessing so. Also is it fair to ask him lie. I don't want him caught in the middle.

I just want a nice wedding with no hassle.

OP posts:

GalaxyGuzzler · 02/05/2011 11:01

I think you should invite the brother but ask your bf to explain that they don't want his sis to know the details if thats possible. IMO if she really is determind to get the details she will find them anyway. She sounds horrible, but if her brother is not like her than you are being unfair in not inviting him.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 11:12

He isnt inviting his ex, he is inviting one of his friends who happens to be related to her. Big difference.

If you put your foot down and insist on the brother being banned, you are likely to be giving her another ally against you in the long term.

Make him welcome, he isnt responsible for his sisters behaviour and if anything is better as a friend than an enemy.

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 12:08

Thanks everyone. I really do appeciate your advice. It means a lots, as silly as it sounds I have been worrying about this so much I actually feel ill today :(
Our wedding is small and not fancy at all but I wanted it to be perfect and I am sure it will be :)
I am loving mumsnet! And I'll be addicted now x

OP posts:

bubblecoral · 02/05/2011 12:12

You can't hold one of dp's friends responsible for the actions of his sister, that's very unfair. You have every right to not want him there, but your dp has as much right to want him there.

lesley33 · 02/05/2011 12:20

I think it is VVU not to invite someone because their sister is a nightmare. He is a separate person and should be treated as such. And so what if he does tell his sister details of the wedding. You really can't control who people talk to about the wedding day they attended.

He may also tell his sister details to emphasise that in spite of what she did, you are both having a great life.

I think as your DP wants him there, then he should be there. Otherwise I think you are trying to be too controlling of your DP. How would you feel if your DP said you couldn't have a friend at the wedding.

An important part of marriage is accepting that you can't have everything as you want it, and that some things you have to accept for your DP's happiness, even if it is not your personal choice.

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 17:54

I wouldn't want a friend of mine there if they had hurt him like she has hurt us.
No one I know would act like that anyway.
I am not controlling what he says about after the wedding, just if she finds out times, date etc she would try and ruin it (she did that on my birthday, but this is so so so much more important that my birthday) but someone else pointed out that she could find out anyway.
I did everything I could and always will to make him happy. His ex had us wrapped around her finger as she could always threaten not to let us see his daughter so we went through a lot for his happiness (and more importantly his daughters).
I guess my wedding day means so much maybe I am over thinking everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 17:54

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 02/05/2011 17:58

isn't his daughter by this woman going?

cat64 · 02/05/2011 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 21:59

Thank you cat64 I am so looking forward to it.
Yeah, he knows what been going on and knows what is sister is like and they (ex's brother and my bf) made an agreement years ago not to discuss her/anything about the situation.
I think we will say all that to him and hope he understands, I am thinking now I have discussed this with everyone here he should do if we do the right then then he should too.
Nancy66 sadly his daughter cannot go as after all we did to see her, her mum stopped us in the end, he is not the biological dad but met her mum when she was pregnant and raised her from birth, so he is her 'dad' really and her treated her like a biological daughter in every way since she was born. But this sadly meant we didn't have any chance (legally speaking) to be able to fight to see her :(
I think she knew this was the case and was a reason why she could act so badly.

I wish so much she could be at the wedding.

OP posts:

MayBankHoliday · 02/05/2011 22:42

YANBU. You shouldn't have to feel worried/concerned about anything on your wedding day.

True, this person is not his sister. But when you said "I also don't trust him not to discuss the wedding with his sister" then I thought that is important for you to consider.

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