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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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23 replies

rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:18

i would like unbiaised opinions please!
me and (d)p have 3 kids under 10, we have been together 12 yrs but are not yet married. i live in a house owned by him and his mum, into which we moved when we returned to my home town. I needed to get closer to my family as I was suffering with PND and needed more support.i have a reasonable amount of debt, but a reasonable salary and a mortagage to pay on a house we cant sell, so am not exactly flush. for about the past 6 yrs i believe there has been a slump, i think hes emotinally abusive and im thinking a bully from how he talks to me. I know that my family are concerned which worries me too lol. I keep giving him another chance again. my gut is telling me that last night he was so rude that should be it. he said we were 12 years of shit.
I think i know i should leave but i cant afford a rental yet, didnt want to upset the kids etc. should i just do it - i dont want to cause the kids any pain.
thanks Sad

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/05/2011 00:21

martyrdom for children is bollocks. if you are happy they are happy

and they know whats going on which makes the pair of you a bit shit really.

Alambil · 02/05/2011 00:22

staying will cause them pain too....

You could go into a refuge. You'll be a priority for social housing and then housing benefit, council tax benefit and all sorts of other things. The refuge staff will support you in sorting all that out.

iamamug · 02/05/2011 00:23

Do you love him? Do you think the relationship is salvagable with effort? Do you want it to be ? If the answer to all these questions in 'no' then I think you should go. If you are back close to your family, can they help you out??
If you are already paying a mortgage, is that your house?

Perhaps consider renting it out and using the money to rent close to your family.

Don't stay if he is abusive - I don't believe men like that ever change.
Good luck x

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:26

'emotionally abusive' needs to be defined more clearly if possible. It sounds like regardless of that you have had enough of him. 3 kids under 10- thats tough. Admire fact you've kept going as long as you have and have stayed.
Questions- is living with MIL a problem- could this change?
Do you think you love him?
Have you discussed these issues calmly with him?

Other issues- deciding to keep going for financial/ child reasons is not so bad as long as its not harming you. Be practical.

I have been where you sound before, me and dp said awful things to each other in past, but persevered. But I have always been sure I love him although he can be a twat. Thats the key, plus 'emotional abuse'.

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:28

Custardo- calling them both a bit shit is not really helping- there are many levels of 'emotional abuse' you are not being unbiased as OP requested. We can all be emotionally abusive in an argument.

Original poster
rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:29

i did love him, but each comment he makes it kills it a little bit. when he dismissed our life together as that i just went cold though. that was i think it. you lot speak sense and i needed to hear you, but im absolutely terrified. i've had severe depression, i think bought on by him and only just returned to wrk my parents live nearby and are great and know a bit but are oldish and not well . they would take us but their house is tiny for all of us.

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/05/2011 00:30

you don't know its not helping, it might very well be helping.

iamamug · 02/05/2011 00:35

As an interim measure, I'm sure you would manage at your parents' house and as another poster has pointed out, with 3 children you would be high priority for help.
If you feel your depression has been triggered by his behaviour and you are now on the mend, maybe this is a good time to go - when you feel stronger - even if the thought scares you.
If the relationship is not fixable you need to move on.

I can assure you that your parents would rather you were all a bit cramped then you were in an abusive relationship.

You will get loads of support on here and much better advice than I can give - I'm just up a bit late and didn't want you to get no response .

sb6699 · 02/05/2011 00:36

The fact your family are concerned for you should ring alarm bells as I assume they dont know everything just the tip of the iceberg.

If you feel you have had enough and there is nothing to be gained by staying then I do think you should leave.

Your children would rather have happy separated parents than unhappy parents who live together.

If your old house is on the market, could you afford to lower the price and cut your losses? At least then you wouldnt be stuck with a mortgage.

Have you tried to rent it out?

The WA website has a checklist which shows whether you are a victim of abuse (not just violence). It may be interesting reading for you.

Please contact them for advice.

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:37

I would be really practical- can there be any other solution to living acc? so house you can't sell is where you don't want to/ can't live. So can you reduce this, change agent, mutli-agent market it, offer an incentive to a buyer, do it up a bit? That may help. Can it be rented out to help (6 months short hold assured tenancy?).
Then try and rent.

Not sure what other debts you may have but this situation may call for extra debt to make it less difficult for the kids.
Can your parents help financially?
How will he respond if you decide to leave with DC- is he likely to file a residency order bearing in mind previous depression you mention- tread carefully with this- seek advice from a solicitor. Current situation amy be changed using a more clever technique- 'break', 'trial separation' is less threatening and may be a way to get same result as a divorce with less vitriol from your angry (D)P.
You need to be a practical and clever lady here.

Original poster
rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:38

Custardo is right really, i have been very ill, having a nervous breakdown just after xmas but i am being spineless and the kids are more important. i just need a kick, he is an imbecile. i have tried so hard, and he will behave lovingly and like family man then ramp up to having a black few days where he mutters comments all the time , will verbally abuse me in front of the kids and shout and yell. and he just wont leave me alone. i know ive been weak and Custardo is right. im too worried about my sons now.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 02/05/2011 00:40

Think about these things: does he make a big deal about the fact that you are living in his mother's house and expect you to be grateful (ie obedient)? Mind you if you are paying a mortgage on it, what have you got to be specialy grateful for? Did you want to marry him at some point and if so, why are you not married? If it's because he didn't want to and you did, that's not very good. Does he do his fair share of domestic work and childcare? (his fair share is enough housework and childcare that both you and he have the same amountof leisure time). Does he expect sex and complain that you don't 'give' him enough of it, especially if the answer to the previous question is 'no'.
Basically does his behaviour demonstrate that he thinks you are not a person but only an appendage to him - is the relationship all about how well you meet his needs?

Original poster
rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:41

kangers - they are very good suggestions, i have got onto an agent to let, but may well just try and sell again. i think you are right, i feel in the pit of my stomach that if i do these things he will be vicious, so i will have to be careful.

OP posts:
Original poster
rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:42

SCGB - honestly, im an appendage. just need to do it. going on council web site now to check rights etc

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/05/2011 00:43

rent out your mortgaged house - let a letting agent deal with it and take fees then you don't have the hassle. the last thing you need is more worry.

then rent somewhere.

see a solicitor
visit CAB
ring SHELTER for accom advice

if you think you fall into the catagosry of a woman who is being abused - the council will refer you and the children to a womens shelter - they aren't as bad as you think.

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:43

Custardo may be right, and aguing in front of kids is shit, but just walking out without a plan will not help kids.
Your dp sounds like he is very controlling, and you sound a bit ground down. I really think you need to have a plan- this may involve a efuge or parents immediately- but think of all eventualities you can, then what you will do if it happens, so you are more likely to stay away from him if you leave.

Tortington · 02/05/2011 00:44

also make sure you know your shit when it comes to property

you need a solicitor - is he entitled to half your house - are you entitled to half the house he has with his mum - i have no idea - but dont let yourself be screwed

Tortington · 02/05/2011 00:47

i didn't advocate walking out without a plan. A plan is essential, in fact this might be of some help - if nothing else its just a list of helpful contacts and especially under 'plan' section has some good tips

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:51

The solicitor route takes a long long time, consult them, but remember they will not solve things and you may need to self-finance for 2 or 3 years before things are sorted.
Plan your financial route- this makes all the rest easier.
Plan how to tell him or not tell him and actually execute the exit (kids clothes and stuff etc- can you take this gradually) and where will it go- parents ideal for this.
Plan how to tell them- clearly and fom the start- we love you but not each other.
Remember you cannot control what he says to them so you need to be consistent with them.
Then if possible agree finances without courts as it will save you a fortune.

I think if you own a house that he has not lived in and you're not married he may have little or no claim to it.
Maybe you could have nothing to claim from current house and that would be simpler.
Create a checklist for your relationship- pos and negs.
Then create a plan.

sb6699 · 02/05/2011 00:52

Most solicitors will give a free initial consultation btw.

kangers · 02/05/2011 00:53

liking your link custardo

Original poster
rhoobabble · 02/05/2011 00:54

thank you so much, i will start planning.

OP posts:
kangers · 02/05/2011 00:55

Good luck rhoo

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