To not want to leave ds at birthday parties on his own again

[Again]

Ds (3.10) went to a party recently and the mother seemed to have everything under control and said there was no need to stay, so I left. Came back 2 and a half hours later and she said he had been with the big boys inside playing video games most of the time. When I was there the mum asked if he wanted to get his face painted in the garden and he was very enthusiastic.

He was very wound up after the party - asking what zombies were and why the boys were shooting them. Asked if he played the games he said no, he just watched. Dh asked if he wanted to play a game where the zombies were shot, he said no. I also mentioned that I had seen an enormous tampoline in the garden (it took over half the garden) and he hadn't seen it!

Anyway I'm a bit annoyed that he wasn't encouraged to go outside with the younger kids. He is very sensitive and was clearly upset about the shooting.

I'm now thinking that I really should have stayed and that I will from now on.

It sounds as though he chose to go in with the older boys though. Most Children of that age would choose where they wanted to be- surely he would have made it clear if he was unhappy?

i would be really angry about that actually.

he's only 3 and he was allowed to watch grown-up games??? not on imo

The mum asked him if he wanted to play outside but he didn't go. He clearly wanted to stay with the big boys.

At nearly 4 the mum cannot physically force yourson outside with the younger children. She clearly encouraged him so what else was she supposed to do? YABU

He's nearly 4. How long do you intend to chaperone him at parties for? Never leaving him alone at parties "again" sounds loopy, I presume you mean for the next year.
All parties my kids went to have always been drop and leave parties. I suspect if a parent had wanted to hover in the background during one of my kids parties I would rather that kid didn't come and they just refused. Different if the invite is to "little Jonny and parent" but if it's just to the kid then if you don't want them to go unaccompanied you just refuse.
Kids sometimes like being scared and hanging out with the bigger ones though.

YANBU.

3 is too young to leave at a party. You should have stayed. I agree with A1980 the mum couldn't have forced him outside.

My ds 2 had a friend over to play recently and ended up hanging around ds 1 (two years older) the entire time. Ds1 was quite put out but you cannot physically force a child! I encouraged them to all play in the garden in the end, but tbh the little lad really wanted to trail around After ds 1

maybe judge each individual party on how well you know the parents/family holding the party??

A1980,l the op didn't say that the mum had asked him if he wanted to go outside

she said that the mum asked him while she was there, if he wanted his face painted and he said yes

i would expect someone caring for my child to ensure they were not shown inappropriate games.
in fact, at a party i would expect them all to be told to get off the computer and join in! or do it upstairs/away from small children

You're NBU at all. What do people think the ratings on games are for FFS?? It's not because using the controller causes RSI. It's because of the violent content of some games. Something like that game will probably have a rating of 18. Definitely not suitable for a 3 year old. Shit parenting by the party mother. Would she have left your child watching an 18 rated horror film because he wanted to be with the 'big boys'?

I'm new at this party thing. She took him by the hand and asked him if he wanted to blow bubbles, so it seemed fine.

I know he would have been drawn to the games, but still be extremely upset. I don't think that 3 year old necessarily know what is appropriate for them.

If I was running the party I wouldn't have let the older children play the games during the party.

There was another mum there, who I knew, who had stayed because her dd didn't want her to leave, so I realised that I could have stayed. There were also plenty of other adults who must have been family or neighbours.

I feel a bit sick about the whole think because I don't feel he was being taken care of.

IMO you are overreacting a bit, it was a one off, chances are it will never happen again, your son will recover and will probably forget about it by tomorrow. Three is still young imo to leave them at a party, you should have been there if you were that concerned. I have accompanied dd to all parties (she has just turned 4), and will probably until she is a bit older and able to understand more (dd has suspected slight ASD with Speech and Lang Dev delay)

We haven't yet come across birthday parties but why was your 3yo who presumably was at another 3/4 yo's party allowed to go in and sit with bigger boys playing computer games? Surely the little ones should have been doing party things while the bigger boys (sibling?) was doing his own thing and out of bounds. Doesn't sound like my idea of a party. And yes, I would be annoyed.

Ok but what are you going to do now? Never allow him to go to a friends house to play unless you're there?

It's going to happen when he goes to school, and plays at friends house, there will be older siblings and he will come into contact with things that are a bit beyond his years.

Don't let him go to parties ever again or play at friends houses unless you're there to shield him in that case.

Party mom had all the kids to monitor. Realistic she will just be able to overview that nobody is upset, etc. Not have time to interact with each child individually, especially if all seemed OK on the surface. And if a few encouragement were give for child to be involved in the party stuff were rebuffed, it was probably natural response to let well enough be.

I used to stay at parties until mine were at school.

How big were the big boys? I have big gaps between my kids so I am always a bit paranoid about making sure that younger kids don't see anything they shouldn't (especially if the kids aren't mine!). We had a party for DD's 8th birthday this year and the boys weren't allowed to go on the PS3 while the party was on, just in case, even though it was a pool party so outside.

Yes, the party mother had lots to supervise but tbh at that age I would assume that she would have had a couple of friends or family members helping if she wasn't expecting all parents to stay. Letting a small child watch computer games when he has been left to attend a party really isn't on imo.

My ds and his friends, nor my cousins son and his friends, did not play violent games around 3 year olds. They didn't bother moaning and groaning about it either, because the game would have been taken. There are plenty of games that are fin without killing, and I would be so annoyed I would phone the mother up and tell her so. I do think the parent did a lousy job of watching your little boy. Yanbu...about that.
However, I think 3 is too young to be left somewhere that you do not know how the people there parent.
I would wait until he was 5-6, before leaving him, and make sure you know they know, what you allow you son to do.

DC were way too young to stay at parties on their own until about 6yo. They needed close supervision and help, they weren't confident enough talking to barely known adults about using the toilet or if they had problems with another child.