Brief history - I'm 37, my parents' marriage ended 36 years ago after an unhappy marriage involving domestic violence by my father. My mother remarried when I was four and I was brought up by her and my stepfather and with two younger siblings. I had v limited contact with my father, which ended when my elder brother went to live with him when I was nine. Was told a fair amount about the violence when I was growing up, including that my father had spent a night in prison after being arrested following one incident. Met my father once when I was at uni but felt I could not continue contact after my mother was v distressed and told me in detail how much he had hurt her.
Have always had very difficult relationship with mother, which rallied a bit after DS1 (5) was born. Things completely broke down after a big row in Christmas 2008 when I was pregnant with DS2 (nearly 2). I criticised her for something she had done and she stormed out of my house on Christmas Day. Since then my mother has seen me and the DC once, on DS2s birthday and my stepfather has never seen DS2. Have made various invitations, including to DS2's Christening which were not replied to. They live at the other end of the country and we decided to go on holiday at Easter within an hour and a half or so of them so that we could take the DC to see them. When I tried to set something up, they said they would not see us. I then didn't send a mother's day card which prompted an angry email from stepfather. I replied on the lines of it doesn't seem clear to me that you want a family relationship. Then got a long letter from my mother which said that they would not see me and the DC because they felt deeply uncomfortably around me and DH, that we treated them with contempt and that I needed to understand the effects of my father's domestic violence on her. No acknowledgement that I might have been hurt or upset by her actions. Don't feel we do treat them with contempt - they cited a comment DH is supposed to have made about English Literature (!) which neither of us remember. And I don't think that I have to take responsibility for my father's actions.
I replied saying we didn't feel contempt for them, understood that the violence had an effect on her and did sympathise but that the violence was not my fault and that I felt I had been told too much about it growing up and had not been allowed a shot at a relationship with my father. Extremely angry response from her calling me a liar and saying she would not see me and put herself through such pain. She was also v angry that I had called my stepfather by his name, rather than "dad" (which was mainly because of his attitude towards the DC and not because I prefer my biological father - don't have much time for either!). Unsurprisingly we did not see them but still had a lovely holiday in the Easter sun.
At the end of the day, the violence was 36 years ago and I don't feel that, as a child of the marriage, I should have to get involved in what happened. The story of my childhood was hearing about how my dad was a bastard and I don't want to continue it now. I also think she is using it as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour and failure to acknowledge other people's feelings. But AIBU? Is domestic violence so bad that you always have to give the victim the benefit of the doubt. They did bring me up, which is why I decided not to pursue the relationship with my father whilst at uni.