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Original poster

Im the not the best aunty my nieces/nephews could have hoped for?

34 replies

welshbyrd · 01/05/2011 14:34

Jeez, Im not even sure if the title is correct/makes sense Sad

I have 2 nieces, and 2 nephews by my sister
I love them as much as I love my own children,
Extremely close family, all live within 3 minute walk from each other, see all daily, have my nieces and nephews over night regularly, my children are the same age, are in same school, even in same classes

Yesterday [tear coming thinking of it]
All my family [20 of us] went to a zoo day out.
About 3ish, youngest nephew fell off a climbing frame, he grazed his fingers quite badly. Sister scooped him up/cuddled, said he was also tired. Gave him drink, walked him in buggy.Sister suggested something was not right perhaps he had broken finger or something. By the way he was holding them/bending etc, I could tell he had not. So ease her mind, and she agreed he was tired, and perhaps a sleep would be good for him [about 30 mins after accident, he did not bang his head either]
He went to sleep lovely, and we all agreed he had been tired afterall.
He woke up a little bit grumpy as usual [tends to be grumpy for 10-15mins of waking up], half an hour later he was on the rides, cars, on the diggers.

He went to run off from the play area, so sisters DH grabbed his wrist [gently] and he winced a little. It hit me seeing his face, it was his arm hurting, not the cuts on his fingers [he had a long sleeve top on] I pulled his sleeve up, he had a lump on his wrist, no bruise, but his lack of using his arm, made it clear, he had broken it Sad

So we went around a zoo, on rides, eating, and laughing for 3 hours, all while he had a broken arm. All on my say-so/he is fine, his fingers are not broken/stupidly did not check his arm/pull up his sleeve

He had an operation this morning, because is was a bad break Sad

I feel bloody awful, I feel so ashamed, seen his at hospital last night, he was in so much pain.

Guilty is not the word for how I feel, while we were all enjoying ourselves, that little boy was in agony, and I made the decision it was nothing serious

Thinking about him, Im balling
Last night I was balling, I can not stop balling

Not even sure why Im typing this, its as if I want you all to type you should be ashamed of yourself, disgrace, a disgusting auntie
This has ruined me inside

OP posts:
Original poster
welshbyrd · 01/05/2011 14:35

BTW nephew is just 2yo Sad

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 14:38

Hey how was you to know? Not even his parents checked his arm. What a brave little soldier.

Don't beat yourself up you were not the only one to miss it.

CMOTdibbler · 01/05/2011 14:38

Do you always beat yourself up about stuff thats not your fault ? Cos you didn't break his arm, and his parents were there to decide he didn't need to go to hospital.

Let it go

laInfanta · 01/05/2011 14:38

You're overreacting. It's not your fault he broke his wrist. You're not a doctor, are you? How were you supposed to know? His mother could have got an actual medical opinion if she was worried.

worraliberty · 01/05/2011 14:40

I think you need to get some perspective.

If he was in 'agony' he wouldn't have gone to sleep.

Don't worry about it, just put it down to experience and spoil him. Anyway, I imagine his Mum feels much worse for not checking her own child.

It happens.

snice · 01/05/2011 14:41

why are you making such a big deal of this?

is there something else you're not saying or do you enjoy a bit of drama?

saffy85 · 01/05/2011 14:41

Don't be so hard on yourself! He had a fall, seemed fine but he wasn't. The minute he appeared not to be ok he was taken to hospital. You have nothing to feel shit about.

FWIW I'm very close to my sister, we both have kids and we both value eachother's opinions. However, if the same thing had happened to either of us and the other said "aww, he's ok let him have a nap" and we weren't happy with that and actually thought there was something really wrong with our own child we'd trust our own instincts. Which I can only presume is what your sister did.

No one should feel guilty for anything imo. Children can be amazingly resiliant and not shoe there is anything wrong with them.

stoatie · 01/05/2011 14:42

Don't be so hard on yourself - you had a look at his fingers and thought it was fine - his mum agreed with you. Later you noticed his arm was broken - in the mean time he had played on diggers etc, you did what you thought best and probably what most of us would have done.

A few years ago my friend was a health visitor (don't flame her - she was really fab - totally broke HV mould!) Her daughter playing outside with brother - fell off bike. Friend, like you looked at it thought it was fine , gave her some calpol etc and daughter continued playing. Next morning her husband noticed swelling further up arm and after a trip to A & E it was confirmed fracture. Like you, my friend felt awful, but she did it with good intentions - it was not a malicious act!

Please stop beating yourself up.

CalamityKate · 01/05/2011 14:42

a) You are NOT disgusting.
b) You were not the only adult present and unless you are a health care professional, in the nicest possible way why was YOUR word law? In other words, you only gave an opinion, not a diagnosis and anyone else was at liberty at any time to say "Actually, I think there's something more wrong than you reckon".
c) He clearly was NOT in agony if he was happily doing all the things you say he was. Uncomfortable, yes probably, but if a child is in actual agony then NOTHING distracts from it.
d) It's "bawled", not "balled" Grin

Seriously, I highly doubt anyone's going to tell you much different to the above. Try to stop worrying x

Carrotsandcelery · 01/05/2011 14:42

Oh Welshbyrd Sad

Don't be so hard on yourself. Children fall all the time and we make that decision all the time too.

If it makes you feel any better I took my dd to the docs once when she hurt her arm and the doc sent us away saying she was fine - she had also broken it but we didn't find that out for days.

Feeling guilty and berating yourself is not going to help you or your family. You sound like a loving and caring auntie that your nephews and nieces are lucky to have. Go along and see them and see if you can help out while your dnephew is in hospital.

saffy85 · 01/05/2011 14:42

show not shoe! Duh! Blush

SlightlyScrambled · 01/05/2011 14:50

You're beating yourself up over nothing. So they spotted it before you. It's not a competition.

Pull yourself together. You're not a trained doctor and you'll have already learned something more about falls from this incident.

With the amount of children that were around, it sounds like there were plenty of things to keep everyone occupied.

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/05/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellebelicious · 01/05/2011 14:58

Welshbyrd

I know this was upsetting, but kids have accidents and a friend of mine didn't notice her daughter's broken arm for two days (and she's a nurse Shock)

What worries me is your response - the overwhelming guilt (he wasn't your son, the parents have the final say in if he needs to go to hospital) and the self-hatred - saying things like disgrace and disgusting. That attitude of blame and over-bearing guilt are things very common in people with depression or a tendency towards depression.

I would strongly recommend reading some CBT - I think it will help your mental attitude, which can easily lead to a downward spiral. If you are still so hard on yourself please go and see your GP who can talk to you about this.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 01/05/2011 14:59

Older niece and nephew are here, been here all night, while mum stayed in hospital with him

No Im not a medical professional, but my opinion would have been valid, given Im the only one in family who can drive, my sister said something was not right, had she had a car/could drive, I think she would of taken him to hospital.
God I do not know if any of this makes any sense

Thanks for advice, im sure in a day or 2 Ill be fine

snice "is there something else you're not saying or do you enjoy a bit of drama?"

Im far from a drama queen, everything that happened I have said

Just the thought of a 2yo, 3 hours late having medical help involving a operation, was spent having fun, when quite clearly DN was poorly, has gutted me

Ive never had any of my DCs have an operation or break a bone before, im gutted end of!!!!

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 01/05/2011 15:02

I broke my arm once, playing out in the farmyard one weekend. My mum said "yes, I think you're probably right, it's broken. But I've got six people coming to sunday lunch and I'm not going to spend six hours in casualty with you right now, so if it's still sore at 3pm we'll go. Do you want some paracetamol?"

She put it in a headscarf-sling, and I had some lunch, and then at 3pm said, yes, it was still sore. We went to casualty, spent 3 hours waiting, got an xray, got told I had a broken wrist. They put it in a cast and back into a sling exactly like my mum had done with the headscarf, praised my mum's headscarf-sling abilities, and sent us packing. :)

I know he's only little and I know you feel very guilty but here's the thing: it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't make it worse, you didn't make him suffer - it was an accident and it would have taken his mum a while to figure out that it was broken, whether you were there or not.

worraliberty · 01/05/2011 15:02

Well I do hope your niece and nephew can't hear you bawling.

Sorry but at the end of the day, he is still your Sister's and your BIL's child. They were there and the buck stops with them.

Just put it down to experience. It's about your Nephew, not you and I mean that in the best possible way.

manicinsomniac · 01/05/2011 15:03

Awwww, it wasn't your fault. THe fact that he kept on going would have made me think he was okay, I always expect kids with breaks to be rolling around on the floor in agony. It's obvious you love all your family very much and I'm sure nobody blames you. You shouldn't blame yourself either.

It's one of my aunts favourite stories that my grandfather let her go about her life for a week with a broken wrist - and he IS a doctor.
It happens.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 15:07

If he had been in agony during those couple of hours, he would have let you know! I think you are beating yourself up unnecessarily, I understand you feel sick to your stomach when a child you love is ill or hurt, but once that time is passed, I think you have to let it go, otherwise it's making it into a disaster when it isn't (and your children will start to worry if it is really a terrible disaster and not just a broken arm which was picked up eventually and treated). That sounds unsympathetic, it's not meant to be, have a nice cup of tea with sugar in and try to pull yourself together now, there's no point in going on and on now it is sorted.

duchesse · 01/05/2011 15:16

My then 11 yo DD fell over on Christmas Day and made a huge fuss. We told her it was fine and to stop making a fuss and bandaged her up a bit to shut her up. A week later she was still complaining so as a last resort, to PROVE that there was nothing wrong, we took her to A&E have it looked at. It was broken of course. Not badly- there was no swelling or discolouration, but still, one week! The next 2 times she broke the arm later that there was no mistaking its brokenness so medical help was sought.

Don't feel bad about missing this. Kids break bones. On this occasion, when you noticed, you and his mum sought medical help. That's the important bit.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 01/05/2011 15:17

Agreed worraliberty, it is not about me, thats why I felt so stupid typing the post

All that have told similar stories, thank you so much, honestly reading them has made me feel loads better

When nieces/nephews are poorly sister does tend to ask my advice, I had my oldest DN over night 3 weeks ago, and spotted a red flamed lump on her leg, took her to my sister, said she needed hospital [she did not think it was that serious], turned out she has a infection in her bone.
Poor sister has spent a few night in hospital over last few weeks between both of them

Anyway, she has just phoned, he is fine, up to his shoulder in plaster, fine from the anesthetic has not made him sick, he is eating, a bit miffed with the plaster, but he will get used to it. He is coming out later this afternoon

Ive thought a big bar of choc for him will ease my guilty a little [not sure why]

Thank you all very much

OP posts:
WoodysHat · 01/05/2011 15:23

Stop beating yourself up, as others have said - you were not the only adult there and even his own parents didn't notice.

DS fell off a toddlers slide when he was 8 and hurt his wrist. I flapped it up and down to see if it hurt and then a lump appeared. Off we went to A&E and it was broken - a bad break which required manipulation under anaesthetic. I never confessed to the Dr about flapping his wrist up and down but I'm convinced I must have made the bones become out of line and still feel guilty 8 years later!

BingRugmole · 01/05/2011 15:27

You weren't to know, and his parents obviously thought he was OK too. Stop giving yourself a hard time.

When my husband was about 7, he fell over playing football at school. Hurt his arm, school and parents both said he had sprained his wrist. He carried on as normal.

Three weeks later, he suddenly decided it was still hurting - parents took him to hospital to find he had actually broken his arm.

They are ribbed at every opportunity about their crap parenting skills :)

peeriebear · 01/05/2011 15:31

DD2 fell off a chair last year and hurt her arm. I gave her a cuddle and put her to bed as usual. The next day she was not moving or using the arm at all and it turns out she had a fractured humerus. I did not beat myself up about it as she was very stoic, I couldn't realise how bad it was and I DIDN'T KNOW. You do not need ripping apart by horses.

Groovee · 01/05/2011 15:32

My friends mum told her to stop being silly about a sore arm. 4 days later her mum had enough, took her to the GP who sent her to A&E and it was broken in 2 places.

Accidents happen and little ones don't always know how to say it's painful and that it doesn't feel right.