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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Are we? - visiting family.

19 replies

mammypig · 30/04/2011 13:14

Genuinely not sure if we are or not.

DH's brother moved away for uni and has lived away ever since, we still live in our home town close to DH's family. We live at total opposite ends of the country. BIL usually visits our home town once a year usually en route to visiting other friends and family.

We get on well with DH's bro and his wife, when we see them we have fun and have lots in common, but they never phone each other, news gets passed to one another by MIL. We are not 'close' but would be there for them in times of trouble. BIL has always given us an open invite to visit, I guess in terms of being polite.

DH's mother keeps on nagging us to go and visit BIL, we have been in the past but it is a very long drive. BIL and SIL work full time and when PIL visit them they stay in a hotel (I can understand this as FIL is a pain). I'm not really sure if they want visitors as they are quite busy. The place where they live, although nice, is not where I want to spend our limited holiday time. I feel that we would have to spend a few days there if we were to get over a long drive and see them over a few evenings. I'd rather have a break somewhere else tbh.

PIL visit them once or twice a year, but I think that is because it is his parents, I'm not sure if brothers fit into the same category.

MIL won't shut up about it, I don't know if we are being unreasonable by not wanting to go and visit that much.

OP posts:

BitOfFunPipPip · 30/04/2011 13:16

Smile and nod, then do what you like.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 13:18

Have they invited you beyond the polite open invitation? ever behaved in a way that would suggest they would like you to stay with them?

People who want you to visit generally say that they would like you to visit. come down whenever is too vague and I always think that when people say that, they'd hate it if you took them up on it! anyone who really meant it would fix a date.

girlywhirly · 30/04/2011 13:35

It isn't uncommon for the females in extended family to do all the communicating. It was certainly so in my mums, the DSIS and SILS would speak to each other, but rarely did DBS and BILS.

The issue really is that it should be BIL and SIL inviting you to stay with them if they want you to, but maybe they don't want you to feel obliged and may well be busy. MIL is the unreasonable one for trying to force both brothers to see each other, which is frankly none of her business; although she may be afraid that they will lose touch altogether.

However, nagging about it won't make them do what she wants. Rising fuel costs and eating into valuable annual leave are obvious considerations that MIL hasn't thought about. Perhaps if you lived a lot closer and could just visit for a day now and then it would be different.

In the end, she can't force any of you to do anything you don't want to do.

diddl · 30/04/2011 13:44

Surely it´s up to the brothers how much they want to see of each other?

How long a drive is it?

My sister & I are in different countries & can go years without seeing each other, but we keep in touch regularly by phone, FB..

zikes · 30/04/2011 13:47

I should just smile and nod and say 'yes, we must sometime'.

gkys · 30/04/2011 14:22

what a nag bag, just smile and agree to sort something out, and file under to be ignored, whats it got to do with MIL? too much time on her hands i suspect

ENormaSnob · 30/04/2011 14:28

Tell mil to keep her beak out.

RtHonLadyEuphemiaOfCaledonia · 30/04/2011 15:09

My MIL is the same, and DH just tells her straight that there's no way he's going to visit his brother.

She even suggested I go with her and DD: I replied that I was not interested in visiting BIL and SIL, but if she wanted to take DD that would be no problem.

She's never taken me up on that - evidently all she was looking for was a lift.

parakeet · 30/04/2011 15:45

If she says anything to you personally, why not say she should discuss it with your husband - it's between him and his brother after all.

Original poster

mammypig · 30/04/2011 16:23

MIL is ok as MIL's go, but she seems to have a bee in her bonnet about this one! Yes, I'm not sure if BIL/SIL really want visitors or if they are just being polite, I do say the same to people with no real intent.

She tends to go on about it to DH, not me ( I would be more vague and nod - yes - great idea) and he is so blunt, he just says 'no, it's too far - I haven't got time' which kind of winds her up even more!

I'm glad no-one thinks we are being unreasonable, I wasn't sure if we were or not - as if we should be making more effort, but it is an 8 hour drive without stopping at least.

PIL are the same about encouraging us to SKYPE each other, but again nothing has happened. I think she thinks that BIL is making all the effort, but he has all his family and old friends here so there is more of a purpose to come down than we have to go there.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 30/04/2011 16:32

If you get on well with them, there's always the option of suggesting doing a weekend away at a 3rd location and you sort of having a joint holiday - maybe a skiing trip? Or do you have DCs similar in age? A centreparcs long weekend might be good...

BertieBasset · 30/04/2011 16:37

Has BIL mentioned this to his mother maybe, that you haven't visited? If so then think about it a bit more, if not and it is just MIL then I'd ignore.

squeak2392 · 30/04/2011 16:49

If they live 8 hours away it's perfectly reasonable for you to not want to visit them, especially if it's only for a weekend!!
My family only live 4 hours away, and it's not worth visiting them for a weekend regardless of the fact that my sister actually works on weekends.

A long weekend away with the other family - and the MIL, as I assume this would make her even happier - is a good idea, even if it's only once a year.

kickassangel · 30/04/2011 17:01

ok, i think it's fine not to visit if the 2 brothers are both ok, BUT don't fall into the 'well they moved, so it's up to them' trap.
if the 2 brothers want to communicate/visit, then by all means get something set up. if they are happy with how things are, then leave it be. they are the siblings & it's up to them how they behave. prob MIL just wants to see her 2 sons being friends, but they are both adults & able to choose for themselves how to conduct their own relationship.

if you do all get on & would like to meet up more, a long weekend in a central location, with things you'd all enjoy doing, sounds great, but that's your decision for you to make.

skybluepearl · 30/04/2011 19:28

why not plan to see them enroute to a place you do want to visit. That way you can spend a weekend with them before shooting off to your holiday desination.

the other alternative is booking a holiday cottage for everyone - a long weekend somewhere midway.

yes i don't believe in the 'they moved away so it's up to them trap either.'you are all adults and capable of visiting each other if you wish. the effort should be on both sides really. do you want to see more of them? how does your partner feel.

cat64 · 30/04/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 19:44

If you want to visit them, visit them. If you dont, then dont.

It really is as simple as that.

NanaNina · 30/04/2011 20:41

I am a mother of 3 grown sons and 3 DILS - so I am also a MIL! 2 sons live quite near to us and to each other and see each other fairly regularly but the arrangements are made between the womenfolk of course. I feel upset sometimes that my sons don't make more effort to be together (have to say son No 3 rarely visits) they live in another country but not far - does involve a short flight though. We visit all 3 sons and dils and get on well, and make the trip to son No 3 about once every 4 weeks (as much to see the gr/chdrn) as anything else.

All 3 of my sons get on fine when they are together but rarely phone each other (I think this is just a bloke thing). I suppose us mothers remember them as small boys (brothers) and don't like the thought that they have grown apart from each other. However I would not dream of saying that one or other of them should meet up (even though I might wish for that) and whilst I understand why this MIL is seemingly laying the law down about visits, I think she should accept that this is not something over which she has any control and accept the situation.

Original poster

mammypig · 30/04/2011 21:31

Thanks all, glad it's not just us then. I thought that perhaps we were a little unreasonable. We're both busy with young families, we've got a toddler and the idea of her being in the car for 8+ hours fills me with dread. When we were childless it was much easier.

BIL and SIL had just had a baby in December and brought him to visit the family recently and SIL's family (not nearby, but a few hours further away in a round trip). I think MIL thinks that if they can bring a newborn to visit then we can take our toddler there, when DH explains that it's quite far, she answers back that we can stay overnight on the way.

It is a shame, I think if they lived locally we would be good friends. I'm not sure if we are the type to go on 'family group' holidays as we do like to just get away with us and DD alone, but it may be worth a thought in the future.

MIL is fine, but we're lucky that DH is quite abrupt and won't be bossed about by anyone.

OP posts:

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