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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sitting here feeling pretty smug?

27 replies

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/04/2011 22:46

Dh has been out all day playing golf. I however have had the day from hell. DCs have been causing absolute hell. It was so bad that mid afternoon I was in tears.
Dh finally rolls in at 7pm. Had no lunch, cos he was playing golf...starving. I was bathing DD and he was banging through the kitchen looking for food. I think he actually believed that when he got home, he would be greeted with roast beef and yorkshire pud.
Sadly not, me and DCs had McDonalds.
He then spent rest of evening moaning how hungry he was. Normally I would have made him something BUT, he has done nothing with me or DCs over hols, so I thought "fuck it" and made him nada.
He had to actually use the phone book to find a takeaway that delivered, with much huffing, and has now gone to bed in a state of shock that I have actually NOT made him anything to eat.
OK AIBU or should I carry on this not making him anything cos it gives me a nice warm glow inside?

OP posts:
NulliusInVerba · 29/04/2011 22:52

Why should you be making him anything anyway? Really? are you being serious?

He's been out playing golf, not doing manual labour all day. He is a grown man not a child and should be making his own dinners. Let him be in a huff, and in future dont let him walk all over you.

AgentZigzag · 29/04/2011 22:56

Does he have such a bad sense of direction that he can't find the kitchen himself?

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 22:56

Erm, is he not capable of making a sandwich?!

YANBU to feel smug. Am amazed he even expected you to wait on him though.

laInfanta · 29/04/2011 22:57

I wouldn't feel smug if I was married to such an arse. What is wrong with him that he can't make food himself?

ReindeerBollocks · 29/04/2011 22:58

YAsoNBU!

He is a grown man and is capable of making his own sodding dinner surely?

Sounds like you've had a rough day, and should have a well earned Wine, can your DH not take the children tomorrow to give you a break?

ifitsnotanarse · 29/04/2011 22:58

You are kidding me! YANBU, most definitely not. If he couldn't be arsed spending time with you and your DCs then you may forget feeding him. (I'm off now to have a glass of wine, come and join me Grin).

Punkatheart · 29/04/2011 22:58

This does puzzle me too. If women facilitate these helpless men, they will continue to be helpless. No woman in the twenty first century HAS to make a man food. Or tea. Grrr.....

Cymar · 29/04/2011 23:02

Carry on as you are. He'll either learn to make things for himself or rely on takeaways or starve.

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 29/04/2011 23:12

Thankyou so much for telling me what I already know really. I think I have been a doormat to him in the past, but today was a culmination of things and I just thought that's it no more.
Can't really explain how this makes me feel, but it's good.

Dh has gone to bed a bit 'puzzled' I think as he is so used to me doing everything for him.
I feel really good abou this.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 30/04/2011 07:14

Be strong! :)

jubilee10 · 30/04/2011 07:59

My Dh and ds2 (13) go out together every sat and sun leaving me with ds1 s/n and ds3 (4.9yrs). I am really glad that ds2 gets a chance to go out with his Dad and gets some time without the others - but they arrive home mid-afternoon looking for lunch. I have usually just stopped running around and sat down. I work full time all week and rarely stop so I am with you. I too am going to start telling them to "help themselves." Dh also does this at least 2 evenings a week missing dinner, but I couldn't bear the sulks if I didn't provide it.

DontGoCurly · 30/04/2011 08:17

Good. Grown adults that go golfing all day can feed themselves.

Necessity is the Mother of invention OP!

Punkatheart · 30/04/2011 08:17

Women revolt! I once went for a job interview where the first thing they did is show me the coffee machine and explained I would be serving it! I laughed and said: 'Of course - as long as the men do as well.' I got the job and actually, I never made a cup!

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 09:07

My husband works in a hard manual labour job and he is impressed when I cook him dinner when he comes in and I dont do it all the time. There is no way on earth I would make him it if he had been out with mates.

onceamai · 30/04/2011 09:56

YANBU. But, OP, DH and I have been married for almost 20 years and yours doesn't seem a bad man just a bit of a normal selfish bloke. Mine used to assume that he could disappear to football on Saturdays or announce on Saturday mornings that he was going racing or similar things with not a thought for anyone but himself. It stopped on the Saturday morning that I was ready with full hair and make-up at 8am, took him a cup of tea in bed and told him I was going out for the day (which I did - got home at 7.30pm). He spluttered a bit and said but, what, I was going to and I just said: tough, I don't usually have any choices on Saturdays you just assume you can do what you want when you want so this is how it feels - have a nice day with the DC - DS has football at, DD has swimming at and a party this pm and the card and present are in the dining room.

I didn't really enjoy the day, went to the Tate, had a coffee, wandered around the shops, went on an open top bus tour and the day really dragged but I was determined not to go home until after tea and baths. He was really sheepish when I got back, the DC were agog about where mummy had been and from then on he always said "I'm thinking of doing x at the weekend"

Notsohotanymore · 30/04/2011 10:05

YANBU.Does he have arms?

HughManatee · 30/04/2011 10:22

YANBU nor smug. If you've previously been a bit of a doormat, then it's not easy to break the habit, I've been there and done that.

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 10:26

Grin @ oncemai Sometimes actions really do speak louder than words.

op YANBU. I wouldn't be happy about him ordering take aways everytime - that money could and should be used for family days out.

ilovepancakes · 30/04/2011 10:56

good on ya girl! thats what i say Wink
I refuse to have anything to do with my husbands laundry! I only do my own and DC
We cook for ourselves and the DC when the other is not around (but if he is around we cook together)
And in the evening he washes the pots while i Hoover the living rooms (every night)
I don't believe in women doing all the housework me, its got to be fair.
Work stops after a certain time, kids don't! especially young ones lol!
Girl power!

ilovepancakes · 30/04/2011 11:00

GIRL POWER [cgrin]

colditz · 30/04/2011 11:04

To my vague shame, I cook for my boyfriend all the time when he's here.

He visits every other weekend, and arrived at my house having worked 8-8 every single day for two weeks,bar the weekend he has his children. On the day he arrives, he's worked 8 - 8 THEN travelled 1.5 hours on the train to see me.

he gets fed something large with gravy when he arrives.

He really appreciates it Smile

But then, when we've been out on a Saturday night, I wake up to the smell of bacon on a Sunday because he has it firmly fixed in his head that I Must Eat Something, and the only thing I will eat is bacon!

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 30/04/2011 19:33

Well, all I can say is I must have seen the light!
My mum phoned this morning and asked me to go to a local market with her. I was just about to say I coudn't possibly leave the DCs with H all afternoon, but instead "Okay, pick me up at 11.30" came out. I just thought sod it and spent a very relaxing afternoon wandering around , chatting with nobody shouting "mum,mum,mum" every 5 mins, having a coffee and buying treats for the DCs....bliss.

I did worry slightly, not about H but about DCs. H tends to tune out completely when watching the footie, so had visions of them all escaping from the house and wandering the streets with H oblivious.

However, on return all was fine.

Have bathed DS2. Am leaving DD for H to sort out. Have come to conclusion that he is just basically selfish so if I want time off am going to have to just blatantly spell it out to him. Am pretty amazed by the replies that so obviously support a 50;50 relationship. Mine is definitely 80;20 atm.

OP posts:
Southcoastsarah · 30/04/2011 19:36

have you actually talked to him and explained why you are feeling hard done by

or has he gone to seek out his crystal ball

ilovepancakes · 30/04/2011 19:44

keep it up! he will get the message lol! sometimes men need putting in their place Grin

Original poster
NickRobinsonsloveslave · 30/04/2011 19:46

We have had this conversation loads of times, so it's not as if he is unaware of how I feel. He's just not a 'new man'. Also, I have done too much for him instead of making him do stuff for himself over the years, so it's just as much my fault really.

But in all honesty, he only has to look at me to realise that I am feeling stressed and unable to cope on my own. My hair is a mess, my clothes are a mess, I just look 'stressed out' IYKWIM.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I don't think it's too much to ask that he at least notices and tries to understand how I feel. I mean, I can ALWAYS tell when he's had a bad day at work because I make the effort to get on his wavelength.

OP posts: