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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just want a quiet lunch with my DH?

18 replies

vvviola · 29/04/2011 09:16

Seeing as my first foray into AIBU went so well (only one reply, agreeing with me... I suspect I wasn't controversial enough! :o ), I think I might risk another one....

Am I being completely unreasonable to want to have a quiet lunch with DH before I go for my 20-something week scan?

We had planned to meet up beforehand, and now DH has said he has invited his step-Mum to join us. (Backstory and summary of previous AIBU thread: step-MIL has been staying with us since the middle of March, and I'm getting a little irritated and antsy about wanting my space back. She's a very nice woman and tries hard to fit in, but it's too long, I want my house & kitchen back and to be able to have a conversation with my husband without there being someone else in the room ALL THE TIME).

As it is we're all going out for dinner tonight anyway (late-FILs birthday, so DH and SMIL want to do something - fair enough).

AIBU to just want to have a quiet lunch with DH to talk about the scan, whether we're going to find out the sex or not (still under discussion, partly because I feel it's between us, and every time we've started the discussion recently SMIL has been there). Or should I just bite my tongue and get on with it?

OP posts:

BlueCat2010 · 29/04/2011 09:26

Is she coming to the scan as well? If you are happy with that then why not - just try to have an hour 'quality time' with him and have the chat with him then. If not then it's maybe an opt out for you, but I think it should cme from DH so you are not the bad guy.

Original poster

vvviola · 29/04/2011 09:38

No - she's not coming to the scan. And if it's even suggested I will quite happily (but extremely politely) throw my toys out of the pram.

I won't get any other time with DH today - I'm at work now, and just leaving in time for lunch followed by the scan.

I'm not particularly close to SMIL. We've met 3 times: at my wedding (and subsequent 'family' honeymoon), at FILs funeral, and this endless visit

OP posts:

BlueCat2010 · 29/04/2011 09:48

I would phone DH and ask him to cancel her at lunch then - why on earth would she want to just come for lunch when she wasn't needed afterwards!

2rebecca · 29/04/2011 09:54

I would tell her you weren't happy and ask him to tell her you'd rather have a quiet lunch so you can discuss the scan. Can't she stay at home and watch the wedding or something?
Have you clarified a date for her to leave? You obviously haven't made the fact that you would like her gone soon clear to your husband if he's still inviting her to meals out without checking with you first. I'd be telling him you've had enough of her and this is an intrusion too far.

2rebecca · 29/04/2011 09:54

Sorry I would tell HIM you weren't happy, although I would be suggesting to her that it's time she left as you'd like your house back.

hairylights · 29/04/2011 10:00

It's your DH you need to talk to ... He's the one who invited her so he's the one you need to talk to abbot it!

But yanbu to want time alone with DH.

Original poster

vvviola · 29/04/2011 10:02

She has already been invited though... so it would be horribly rude to 'retract' the invitation. After all, irritating or not, she is still a guest in my home.

There is an end date - sometime in the second week of May. I'm not sure of the exact date because it has changed a couple of times, but she is definitely going (more travelling to do), it was always just an extended visit (which is understandable to some extent - DH & family are from a different continent) but we weren't really given any option with the timing/duration of the visit "I'm coming to visit you on..." .

BlueCat - I suppose she is coming because the place we are going for lunch is connected to a shopping centre, so perhaps she wants to go shopping afterwards.

I'm just irritated I suppose. I'm a natural introvert and I'm finding it hard to 'recharge' at the moment with someone else in my space, and I'd thought a nice quiet lunch with DH might have helped. Guess I'll have to wait a few weeks.

(Is this bit AIBU by stealth?: I'm also getting really really irrationally ticked off with DD's worship of SMIL. It's lovely and everything, but I'm getting tired of hearing "no, SMIL will do it" from DD connected to everything from putting clothes on, to taking to bed, to making breakfast, and for DD's first words when I collect her from school being "where's SMIL". So that could quite possibly be adding to my general irritation with the whole thing)

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/04/2011 08:54

Hope it went well. I would have uninvited her, if my stepson invited me to lunch and his wife wanted a quiet lunch to discuss the scan I would far rather they told me this and I could do something else with my time than they not say anything and she resent me.
It's just a lunch, not your wedding.
Maybe you resent her because you tiptoe around her for fear of upsetting her rather than telling her what you want/ don't want her to do, and making it clear to her that you also like some time on your own with her staying for so long.

compo · 30/04/2011 09:04

I'd have asked her to babysit dd while you and dh went for the scan

or told dh you'd just meet him at the hospital and let him lunch with her alone

DandyLioness · 30/04/2011 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletOHaHa · 30/04/2011 09:20

It seems odd that she would come for lunch and not for the scan as well. Where would she go to wait? If you retract the lunch invitation it will make the situation clear. IMO if you didn't both invite her in the first place, it is reasonable for you to have a say and ask for privacy. You need to sort this out with your OH pronto.

DontGoCurly · 30/04/2011 10:39

Yes it's your DH you need to have words with.

I bet you any money HE feels guilty if he doesn't invite her to everything and therefore is imposing her on you. From what you've described on the other thread she sounds like she is trying her best to be as unobtrusive as possible. So I bet any money he's forced/tricked her into coming along. She probably has been told she is required to be there but is secretly cringing and only going out of duty.

My SIL (brothers wife) does this. Same as your DH. Invites people out of guilt/embarassment in on top of each other and causes all kinds of stupid and unnecessary blunders and misunderstandings.

She recently scheduled me to come for a visit to her DC's. When I got there her sister was there with her first baby scan and thought I was being really intrusive. It's fucking embarassing.

Tell your dope of a DH. Your poor MIL would probably be mortified if she knew she was imposing. He's probably told her you 'insisted'.

Laquitar · 30/04/2011 10:43

Why do you need quite lunch with dh before the scan? [confuused]

skgnome · 30/04/2011 11:02

I know it already happen, but I'm with you, if you wanted the time out with DH alone it's totally ok, and if you wanted to discuss something important (like the scan) is even more reasonable. I think you should speak with him, I know, she's only helping, and may be a really nice person, etc, but still... or even, try asking her if she would mind looking after your LO so you can spend some time with DH, something like it's quality time with LO, 'cause you want to do something nice for DH

ENormaSnob · 30/04/2011 11:06

I would be really pissed off with your dh tbh.

Your smil isn't the problem, he is.

blackeyedsusan · 30/04/2011 11:07

Laquitar, she needs a quiet lunch with her dh because smil is staying and is always there... dawn til dusk... and it gets wearing.

dh is the one you need a word with. suggest that you go for a coffee after the scan... and you will need time with just him to digest the results... Arrange to meet your smil after you have been shopping.

I do feel a bit sorry for her... try telling your dh you are at risk of gettiingupset with her through no fault of hers.. (his fault) because he is not giving you alone time

Laquitar · 30/04/2011 14:36

Thanks blackeyed, i didn't realize she was staying there and they didn't have private time with dh. I thought it is some kind of new trend to eat out before the scan and i missed out.

Still i think what you suggest i.e. coffee after the scan makes more sense

Original poster

vvviola · 02/05/2011 09:40

Well, time for an update...

I couldn't uninvite her - DH was giving her a lift to the area where we were meeting (beside the shops), so it would have been horribly rude to say 'sorry, you can't come now'. So she came for lunch. It was fine. I may have been a little grumpy, but I just passed it off as being tired.

We got a little time to chat while waiting for the scan appointment itself, but it wasn't all that relaxing. And, despite having said she'd be out shopping all afternoon, when we got home from the scan, she was there.

We had an awkward moment when, just as we were leaving to go to the scan, she said "oh, I can't wait to find out what you're having as soon as you get back" (we hadn't decided if we were going to find out, and if we did, we were going to keep it to ourselves - and had already explained this multiple times to her. And anyway, if we were going to tell people - we would have told our own Mums/my Dad first).

Saturday was worse (trip to my favourite town - didn't get to look in any of the shops I wanted, got grumpy wandering around). Just got a little too conscious of having to be with her all the time. DH got the point from my silence (I'm usually a pretty good hostess/tour guide/shopping companion), and took SMIL and DD out on Sunday morning for a few hours to give me some peace (in which time I did the laundry...!)

And, to complete the novel... she's now gone. Left this morning. She's apparently got a week's more travelling booked before she goes on her 3 week "holiday". It's not a new booking - was always planned, but somehow she didn't mention it until the other night - focusing instead on the 3 week holiday and when she was going on that.

So, I have my house back. I'm sure after a few days of peace and quiet (as much as one gets with a 3 year old in the house!) I'll remember what a lovely house guest she was, and get over the irritation of her constant presence!

OP posts:

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