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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt

23 replies

mobilis · 28/04/2011 20:43

My sister is abroad on a research project. She determines her own leave, but the terms of her grant require her to finish by the end of 2012. I haven't seen her for more than two years and she has not yet met my nine month old son. I offered to fly her over for his first birthday and she accepted so I booked tickets. She's now asked if the dates can be changed because they aren't convenient for her and because she's a little behind on her project - she wants to come 3 months later. This irritated me mildly, but whatever, it's no big deal. Then she asked if the flights could be booked with a detour so she can rendezvous with her husband (who isn't abroad with her) and they can have a bit of a holiday together. Which means she'll only be spending a part of the trip with us. I understand that it must be hard for them to spend so much time apart, and that there's a limit to the amount of time she can take off as well as cash available to travel, but that was their choice. My intention was for her to spend time with the family, not to subsidise a second honeymoon. It seems a bit churlish to feel so hurt and angry, but I feel taken advantage of and suspect that we'll hardly see anything of her at all.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 20:45

then tell her.

Groovee · 28/04/2011 20:46

Then tell her so!

babylann · 28/04/2011 20:47

I probably would refuse to pay for the tickets, personally.

LucyGoose · 28/04/2011 20:50

Do you really want to pay for her flights to see her husband? If not, tell her it costs xx to change the ticket (again) and re-route her, and she can decide whether she wants to pay for this. If your offer was for her to come see you, then she should pick up the costs of changing the itinerary.

Changing dates on tickets is not done free of charge. Neither is re-routing.

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 20:53

I don't think you're being churlish feeling pissed off at her spending your cash.

I might say that something unavoidable has come up that you need the cash for.

You were prepared to pay for her to come over and see your DS and she's taking advantage of your generosity.

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 20:57

You should have gone to visit her instead.

niceday · 28/04/2011 21:00

YABU to feel hurt that she has not seen your pfb. She understandably misses her Dh more.
Yanbu to feel that you shouldn't pay for them to see each other, unless this is a present for them.
Don't give more than you are comfortable to. Don't expect her to love her dn as much as you do, as she does not have dc yet I understand. (she will of course find him adorable:)).

Original poster

mobilis · 28/04/2011 21:04

Squeakytoy, she's in a Central African country. It wouldn't really have been convenient for me or the other guests to hold his birthday party there.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 28/04/2011 21:10

I can kind of understand her thinking that if you are paying for her to fly over then perhaps she can make the most of the chance to see her dh as well. And to be honest, I think that as long as she is still spending a reasonable amount of time on a family visit with you then it is a bit churlish to object.

However - any additional costs (ie the costs of the detour) should be paid by her.

crystalglasses · 28/04/2011 21:16

I would write to her saying that you offered to pay for her tickets as you wanted her to spend the time with you and the family and meet your dc for the first time, but if she wants to take a detour to see her husband as well she will have to contribute to the cost of the ticket as this wasn't in your plan.

Original poster

mobilis · 28/04/2011 21:32

Just to clarify - we are all in different countries. Her husband is in the UK and I am also abroad, in a different country. Her husband will presumably travel out here and meet up with her in a different part of the country, without bothering to swing by and say hi.

Their last visit was a couple of months after the death of our first child and they flew over at their own expense ostensibly to lend support. They also demanded a full coast to coast tourist programme and I ended up playing travel agent/tour guide. One evening everything all became a bit much and I was too miserable and depressed to join the family for dinner (after cooking it for them), and her husband had the effrontery to knock on my door and say "we've come a long way". They left without reimbursing me for a fairly substantial portion of the bookings I'd made on their behalf (internal flights, accommodation and so forth).

OP posts:

cottonreels · 28/04/2011 21:52

Wow, your last post sounds incredible. I suspect the the hurt this time is also being influenced by her past treatment of you. Is she younger than you, used to having people sort things out for her?
I think how I would treat this new request for the detour would depend on how much I would want to be among mt closest family/friends. Although I would also consider - would she do the same for you if the situation were reversed?

cottonreels · 28/04/2011 21:52

sorry mt=my

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 21:53

tell her how you feel.

SpotsMumSally · 28/04/2011 22:07

YANBU. You really should explain how you feel, if her DH wants to see her, why can't he join her for your DS's birthday?

I am at their expectations after your first DC died (I'm very sorry). People travelled far and wide for my DD's funeral and would never have dreamed of making such demands. I'm afraid that would have crossed the line for me.

Cymar · 28/04/2011 22:13

Tell her how you feel and offer to pay for the flights to see you ONLY. If she wants to see her DH then they should pay for the flights to see each other.

pingu2209 · 28/04/2011 22:34

Say to her that as the time will be split between you and her husband, would her husband help to share the cost of the flights?

babylann · 29/04/2011 00:17

The previous behaviour of her husband would make me even more likely to refuse to pay for the flights, purely out of principle. That's a horrible story, what a selfish selfish man.

anonymosity · 29/04/2011 03:29

You and she have different priorities. Do you want her to visit your baby who will not remember her in the slightest and NOT see her own husband?
I think YABU to be honest, but then that's sisters for you.

Tolalola · 29/04/2011 03:49

I think you need to clarify some things with your sister. You need to ask her bluntly how much time she would be spending actually with you if she splits her trip between you and her DH.

Then you need to work out if it's worth it to you to spend whatever amount to get that much time with her.

If you decide you want to go ahead at all then she or her DH must pay the additional costs of changing and re-routing the ticket. For them not to do so would be extremely bad manners, to say the least (although from your last post, they sound pretty boorish, tbh).

sunnydelight · 29/04/2011 06:07

YANBU, you offered her to pay to come for your son's birthday, you weren't offering a random holiday. (I am totally un-precious about small kids' birthdays btw, but if you have lost a child I am speechless that she can't see how this might be a particularly special occasion for your family.)

Personally I would cancel the flight if it doesn't cost you much and just say the invite was to your son's birthday, not an offer of a free holiday. If you can't get a refund I would tell her that you are willing to pay half of what the new, re-arranged, flight will cost but obviously she can't expect you to cover any more as she has declined the original invitation.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 29/04/2011 06:16

After reading your last post I have to say I'd tell her to get knotted. That was awful behaviour and I don't think I could give either of them houseroom after that, let alone pay for holidays for them. sorry, not very helpful, I was just at that post. They sound selfish as hell.

niceday · 29/04/2011 22:27

Well, of course you are hurt by her last visit. Tbh I would let her come when she wants, understands and is ready.
And this is not this time.

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