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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIl and money

19 replies

IhateMarlo · 28/04/2011 15:46

Just a quickie, am having kitchen re-fitted by BIL and his cousin. They've come and stayed. We agreed a £100 a day each and they have done great work etc., no issues there.
BIL offered OH had been on phone to his 'D'S and he offered to , OH was meant to be helping them too but can't due to recent sudden serious health issue, this was known before money was discussed.
SIL is down too but preferred to stay at her Mum's but has been here for all her meals Smile

The day they arrived I cooked a full 3 course roast dinner,, all the trimmings and various alcohol etc. Got up to a full cooked breakfast, we went got them lunch, and then OH took them out for several drinks while I waited in for the sparks, and them took them all to dinner. Bought them in breakkie yesterday and today, same with lunch, last night I was shattered, offered to get a takeaway in for us all, no they wanted to go out so SIL/BIL/his cousin all went down the pub with the idea that OH might join them depending on how he felt but it would be only for a quick drink..once they had gone he realised that he felt crap so went to bed he then got a text from SIL asking when we were coming down as the tab in the pub needed paying. . . which I picked up and texted back OH in bed, and I assume you're joking. and got back a 'yes of course I was. Have since found out OH gave SIL £30 to buy the 'boys' a drink.

Sorry this really isn't a quickie but don't want to drip feed, anyway OH has got text this am, saying that shes bee thinking about it and really we should pay their petrol costs and since that would be another 100, we could round it up to £1000.

OH feels we should do it, but is a bit annoyed, my attitude is not on your nellie, OH said it came up when we went to dinner that normally they would get £150 a day, it was SIL who said it.
My feeling is the agreement was that yes we were getting 'family rates' but [a] we're family, which is the excuse SIL uses whenever she wants us to do anything for her [b] because they're family we have feed and watered them well, i have figured that we have spent at least £50 a day on them in food and booze. [lots of booze]
[c] an agreement is that!

Now SIL has said nothing to me it's all been to OH,who is 10 years older than her and has always spoilt her a bit, but in recent years I have forced a pull back on this, she actually earns more than either of us. She and BIL own their house outright we still share ours with the bank Grin. BIL also has a good job, and does the kitchen thing on the side.

So AIBU? should we round it up, at the end of the day we have saved on having them do it, but on the other hand an agreement was made, they have been well looked after, and it's quid pro quo, we have done a lot for her in the past and to quote her we're family. . . .

Fire away!

OP posts:
Eglu · 28/04/2011 15:50

YANBU. It isn't really up to SIL as she isn't the one doing the work, and as you've said it had been agreed in advance. Your OH is obviously one for a quiet life, but she is clearly taking the piss.

LDNmummy · 28/04/2011 15:50

Cheeky little mare! Tell her where to get off. She is manipulating the situation by going to your husband as she knows he will most probably give in. From now on If I were you I would make sure all financial matters however minor are taken care of in your presence.

LDNmummy · 28/04/2011 15:52

Oh and no other work they do would include taking care of meals and their general welfare so you are actually not getting the 'family rate' as you are spending to maintain them.

CareyFakes · 28/04/2011 15:55

YANBU, I'd reiterate the original deal and say that you are sticking to that, as agreed.

DurhamDurham · 28/04/2011 15:57

This is the reason I never get family or friends to do work which needs to be paid for. It just ends in bed feeling. We either help each other out, for free, because we want to, or we pay professionals to do it.

Original poster
IhateMarlo · 28/04/2011 15:57

Sorry meant to add this before I got any replies, but OH's illness will mean he will be out of work for several weeks [is self employed], SIL knows this and that is assuming that his treatment works. So while we won't be in the poor house things are going to be tight.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 16:05

I would say to her that it is £100 plus food and board and as this was agreed at the outset that is what you will be paying.

Tell her that the food alone is costing a fortune.

ShoutyHamster · 28/04/2011 16:34

I suggest you reply along the lines of, if they're now thinking of what the actual cost is - i.e. petrol etc. - then they'll be wanting to see the food/board/drinks tab, so they can take into consideration the other side of the 'doing a favour for the family' scenario. Hidden costs for both of you - that's favours for you.

Because if you'd hired people for £150 a day you certainly wouldn't be subbing them food and pub time. You could even muse along the lines of if you look at the actual cost, hiring in someone might even have been cheaper. And the work would be insured too, wouldn't it? Because when you pay professional rates you expect to get a professional service, unlike mates/family rates where you understand that of course it's totally different...or are they now saying that they'd like professional rates, plus family extras, for a job they won't have a professional responsibility to?

SIL is taking the piss!

Cymar · 28/04/2011 16:35

If they agreed to whatever amount per day, then stick to that and pay them no more than agreed. As for your SIL, she seems to be expecting you to feed her and pay for, say, drinks at the pub. I was Shock at her texting you tell your OH that the tab needs paying. That's just taking the proverbial.

I think you should make it politely clear that, from now on, you'll have to keep money back to see you through the next lot of weeks while your OH is off work and can't afford to pay them AND provide meals/takeaways every day. Which means that if they want to go to pub for drinks and/or a meal, they'll have to pay for that themselves

kitbit · 28/04/2011 17:15

Say no problem and present her with a cost nreakdown. £150 a day minus what your costs in food are. Chances are it will come to less than 100 a day so pay her what the new total is. She'll be worse off than if she kept her grasping ways to herself.

She should be careful what she wishes for.

Original poster
IhateMarlo · 17/05/2011 12:23

Hi, as I?m one who hates not finding out what happened on threads and I finally have 5 minutes, here?s what happened.

OH and I had a chat about it and he was a bit ?Oh well they?ve done good work, it?ll keep the peace etc etc?
I pointed out that (a) they hadn?t done 4 full days work, (B) the cost of food, drink b&b etc, and also pointed out that this had come from his sister as BIL was the one doing the work surely he should have brought the subject up?
I didn?t make a big deal of it, was just very matter of fact and said at the end I would go with what ever he thought was fair.

SIL turned up about an hour later, just in time for lunch in fact Grin, and when OH went to pick up lunch from the local sandwich shop she volunteered to help, was not impressed when I tagged along.

BIL and mate finished the work that evening, mate was leaving for home that night but BIL was staying the night. So OH said to him shall I give you the money for Mate or shall I give it to straight to him?
BIL said give it to Mate, and OH said is £400 still ok?
To which BIL said yes that?s what was agreed, actually we feel a bit guilty as you?ve looked after us so well!
OH just laughed, paid Mate and we all got ready to go out for dinner.
It gets better!!

While we were out BIL got very merry, and while OH and SIL were at the bar/ loo he felt the need to tell me how guilty he felt about taking any money from us at all. That yes Mate needed to be paid as he had turned down work to do ours (if you know what I mean) but SIL had told him how proud OH was and how insulted he?d be if BIL had offered to do the work for free????????Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry
I?m still not sure how I didn?t punch her.

I actually haven?t told OH this bit as I know how much it would hurt him, however I did have a word with SIL the next morning and let her know that I knew exactly what had been said and that I was prepared to keep my mouth shut for the sake of (a) OH?s feelings (b) family peace, but if she ever tried anything like this again I?d break her neck.
I also pointed out that I didn?t know how she and BIL organized their finances but that any money going out of our accounts would be run by me.
That there would be no more loans for holidays or cars etc, all things OH has loaned her money for before, and that if there ever came a point where we did loan her money again I would expect it to be repaid in full, in the past OH always was indulgent and when she had borrowed money in the past he only let her pay back ½ to ¾, never the full amount.
But to consider the Bank of OH firmly closed till future notice.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/05/2011 12:25

Hey that's excellent! Well done you.

bogle · 17/05/2011 12:30

Good for you OP, wish I could be as straight with my family. Well done.

tokentotty · 17/05/2011 12:33

And what was SIL's response to this news??

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 17/05/2011 12:41

well good for you OP.

But I need to know what SIL said to that! Was she so taken a back she said nothing or did she get all arsey...

come on.

Grin
Original poster
IhateMarlo · 17/05/2011 13:21

Gobsmacked is the best way I can describe it Grin.
I was devious enough to speak to her in our house with OH and BIL in the next room so she couldn't kick off.
I?m sure it?s not the end of it, but am not too worried.
There is a very very long back story to the relationship between me and OH?s family
Short version is they are all racist, tradition bound nutters, who OH and I have basically ignored and carried on with our lives.
OH?s Mum being the worst, but due to OH been very firm with her (if she bad mouths me at all he leaves her house) and me just refusing to react/engage things are now at a truce.
They saw my refusal to react/flare at them as weakness.
So they don?t know what I?m like when I?m riled, and with OH been so ill, and FFS she?s bloody family and tried to con us out of money, anyway I think it showed in my face that I was not to be messed with.
I didn?t really give her an opening to reply, it was more of a statement than a discussion.

OH did say yesterday that he had been chatting to BIL on line as he wanted some advice on replacing the loft insulation and that BIL had suggested that they i.e.: BIL and OH board the loft (I think they mean replace the insulation and put down floor boards so that we can actually use it for storage). BIL has offered to come down next bank holiday and help do it and suggested that if they come on the Friday night they should be finished by Saturday evening and then we could all go out somewhere nice on Sunday.
I?m assuming from this that SIL hasn?t said any thing to him, and am wondering if he has run this idea by her yet??

Am guessing that there maybe a withdrawal of this offer in the next day or two Grin

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2011 13:52

That sounds like an excellent offer by your BIL - who sounds a thouroughly nice bloke! Could be foun for you and SIL too [evil grin emoticon]

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2011 13:53

fun not foun

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 18/05/2011 11:15

cheeky bitch .

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