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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my gran is best cared for in residential care?

23 replies

ohyouknow · 27/04/2011 23:42

I have been told by some family members that my gran being in a residential care home is a disgrace. I do not think so, considering her care needs are beyond what the immediate family can cope with.

She is incontinent, will piss in a bucket or just on the floor rather that use the porta loo or toilet, refuses help of carers who visit, hides wet pads down sofa, been a hoarder all her life, needs daily meds for blood pressure and heart, has forgot that her parents are dead, this list is not exhaustive. She is a lovely, funny, sociable happy go lucky type who seems happy in her new home - residential care.

What do you think, is it a disgrace to "put her away" as they say?

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 27/04/2011 23:50

No.
Unless you can afford round the clock nursing, or very close to, she needs to be in residential care

niccibabe · 28/04/2011 00:02

No. You are ensuring your gran is cared for. If your gran is happy where she is, she's probably getting benefit out of the social aspects of residential care, which are difficult to provide at home.

If your relatives didn't want your gran to live in residential care, why didn't they step in and take on the full-time caring roles? I suspect they wouldn't want to do all the hard work that you have had before your gran moved into residential care. It's easy for them to judge when they haven't done the work.

Original poster

ohyouknow · 28/04/2011 00:02

she won't respond to the carers who come round.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 28/04/2011 00:08

YANBU

Tell those family members that if they think it's a disgrace they can take on her care 24/7. I suspect that will soon shut them up.

Original poster

ohyouknow · 28/04/2011 00:08

one family member is resisting, i think because he doesn't want to pay, i.e. sell her house (which isn't worth much anyway). we have all tried to care for her, but she has always resisted basic care from even us, showers etc. She has had undiagnosed problems that we are all well aware of. Since my granddad died, it has all come to a head and one side of the family says ney and the other yay.

I honestyl believe it's best for her but the other side doesn't. They can't even care for their children very well which also concerns me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohyouknow · 28/04/2011 00:09

they want to look after her and move her in with them but i know they are not able to care for her properly.

OP posts:

lyradaemon · 28/04/2011 00:21

No yanbu it sounds as though she has gone beyond independent living and needs a lot more care for her own safety and well being now.

It's very easy for people to have an opinion, but unless they are willing to take on the full time care themselves their argument is invalid as far as I'm concerned.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/04/2011 00:57

Sounds as if your gran is suffering from senile dementia as distinct from Alzheimer's.

As a grandchild, is it your place to make decisions as to your gran's current and future care needs when, presumably, her children should be reaching some accord based on advice from her health professionals?

If your gran has already been moved into a care facility it may be difficult for any dissenting party to remove her.

Original poster

ohyouknow · 28/04/2011 01:05

no izzywhizzyletsgetbusy it's not my place per se, but i seem to be acting as mediator between two warring siblings. They say she has a personality disorder, mild dementia amongst other things.

The professionals apart from my grans advocate all seem incompetent and disinterested in her case. Basically the kids - my elders, can't agree.

Do people still think it's cruel/uncaring to move someone who seemingly enjoys life better in the company of her peers than make her suffer with incompetent relatives.

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/04/2011 04:43

Your gran's needs are paramount and, if she is currently happy in a residential home and is not expressing a desire to return to her own home or live with one or other of her children, it would seem unneccessarily disruptive to move her particularly if she has settled well and is deriving enjoyment from being with her peers.

Does the sibling who wants to care for your gran have room for her, and do they have the resources to meet her needs 24/7? Would your gran be able to attend a day centre where she can socialise with her peers?

If they haven't experienced living with a relative who has dementia they may have no idea what they'll be taking on, or any appreciation of what being a full-time carer involves.

So many factors come in play in these situations. There may be an underlying money issue particularly if one of your gran's children believes another is seeking to control her finances/estate.

Also, people can feel immense guilt at the thought of an elderly relative going 'into a home' or being 'put away', and they may fear that others will judge them as being uncaring.

If you are to be effective as a mediator it's advisable for you to take a neutral stance, and avoid casting aspersions on the other party's competence to care either for your gran or for their children. Your sole objective should be to facilitate mutual agreement.

TBH you're between a rock and a hard place as family differences can run deep and these particular circumstances can bring out the worst, as well as the best, in hitherto harmonious families.

If you cannot bring about an accord please don't hesitate to ask your gran's advocate to intercede. This professional has an overview of your gran's current and longer term needs, and may be able to reassure other family members that your gran is in the right place and that there is no stigma to her being in a residential unit.

This isn't a simple issue of cruel v kind, or which sibling occupies the moral high ground, It's solely about providing the right care package that will meet your gran's needs and, where possible, enhance her quality of life.

It should also be borne in mind that dementia may lead your gran to exhibit increasingly challenging behaviour, and a care package that will meet her present needs may require review in the not too distant future.

I wish you the very best of luck, and I sincerely hope that your gran continues to thrive in the company of her peers.

camdancer · 28/04/2011 06:40

Both my Gran's live in a residential home. They absolutely love it. It is basically like a college dorm for old people. There is always something going on, or someone to talk to, or an outing to go on. But there are also people there to care for their extra needs - which being around 90 they do both have.

But not all homes are as good or nice. It does depend very much which home is chosen/found.

flickor · 28/04/2011 07:24

If she is happy there and safe then what the rest of the family think does not matter. Its her life not theirs.

onceamai · 28/04/2011 07:30

No, I don't think your gran being in residential care is wrong at all but it might have been helpful if the other side of the family had been allowed a shot at caring for her. It would possibly have delayed her moving to a residential home by no more than a week or two.

I will face a similar situation in a few years. My MIL is 76 and becoming forgetful already. My SILs have made is crystal clear that they will not contemplate seeing their mother put in a home when she gets older - it is not what she would want and they will not support it. Well we'll have to see who looks after her and as a bit of back story one lives in Australia and one in New Zealand and I'm an only child with my own mother to care for. One has visited about half a dozen times in the last twenty years - the other - three times and didn't come home for her father's funeral.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 07:45

I thnk you should speak to Age Concern. If the professionals are of no help AC can be very very helpful with advice.

Ephiny · 28/04/2011 07:53

You're not being unreasonable at all - this is exactly what residential care homes exist for. If she's happy there and her needs are being taken care of then I really can't see the problem. Is your gran able to express an opinion on whether she'd rather stay in the care home or live with the relatives in question?

juneau · 28/04/2011 08:06

What is more appropriate for your gran? That's the only thing that matters. And it sounds, from what you've said, that residential care is by far the best place for her to be and have her needs met.

Tarenath · 28/04/2011 09:50

YANBU as long as you've done your research on which residential home you've placed her at. I used to work in those settings and believe me, while some are absolutely wonderful, some are downright awful and you wonder how on earth they pass inspection!

manchestermummy · 28/04/2011 10:12

YANBU.

This type of attitude makes me really, really angry. My DH's grandmother needs to be in a residential care home, but MIL won't hear of it. She's running herself ragged, has given up her job (so has no money and cannot afford to maintain her own home) and countless other things. She's horrified that her sister (with whom she shares the care) has suggested a home, but at the same time thinks it's awful that her sister tries to have some semblence of a life herself by going out for meals and going on short holidays. There is a feeling that she has either dementia or Alzheimers (I suspect the former) but MIL won't even look into getting this diagnosed as there's "no point" as "nothing can be done and anyway, I'm going to look after her".

My grandparents both lived in an excellent home: they were, however, very wealthy and could afford it. I accept that this is not very often the case. MIL has told us already that she expects us to look after her in old age and that she will not "rot away" in a home.

I am FURIOUS. My grandparents did not "rot": their lives were extended significantly by getting proper care. Grandfather was 89; grandmother was 97. It makes me very upset that MIL is passing judgement on my mother's family for doing what was best for my grandparents.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Really hope it all works out for you, whatever is decided.

Ephiny · 28/04/2011 10:16

It's a really strange attitude - similar to the one about 'why would you bother having children if you're just going to farm them out to a nursery or childminder' - I wonder if it's the same people who tend to hold both views?

I appreciate some care homes are better than others, but do find it odd that people seem to take offence at the general concept, rather than a particular home which they might consider inadequate for some particular reason.

manchestermummy · 28/04/2011 10:19

Ephiny I think you've got it spot-on there: my MIL has the same attitdue towards childcare. And while it's preferable to keep people at home for as long as possible, it can get to the point where that may cease to be an option, as in the case of the OP.

x2boys · 28/04/2011 12:14

absolutley not i work on a ward for dementiapatientsand know just how difficult and demanding people who suffer with this dreadful disease can be lots of families dont want to put their relatives into care as they feel guilty but it is a thankless enough job when you are paid to do it [ although we care about our patients very much] so get all the help you can

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/04/2011 12:41

YANBU - My MIL is suffering from Alzheimers and lives at home with her DS - She would be better off in a nursing home.

Like someone else said - tell those complaining to look after her instead then, they will soon shut up xx

crw1234 · 28/04/2011 12:59

yanu - if she is happy that is great -and it does really sound like the best place for her
my grandmother also got past the point of being at home but she did stuggle with being in a home a bit
As someone said could be impact of finances coming into it - or that "someone" not them of course - should give up their life to look after her!

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