Really? Am I?

[NorthernGobshite]

My dh suffered from depression and managed to get us in a whole load of financial mess due to crazy spending. We are finally getting on top if it, and he is much much better too.

After I found out about the mess he caused he agreed to have his salary paid into my bank account, that I would control money, give him an 'allownce' for jollies etc and this has worked well. However, I don't enjoy feeling I have to control him and he feels a bit imasculated, for want of a better word.

He now says he wants to have his salary back into his account and I am scared he will fuck it up again! I don't feel ready yet, and don't trust him 100% yet, plus debts. whilst still better, are a long way from being completely paid off/managed.

AIBU?

Can you have his slaray still paid into your account but a monthly DD to his and increase the amount slowly? As a sort of compromise.

How about meeting him halfway? Make him responsible for a couple of bills and pay half his salary into his account. See how it goes.

I think I'd be a bit loathe to just hand everything back in one go, but if he's getting better he probably needs to get some responsibility back in manageable chunks.

I have always paid all the bills, but some of them went out of his account and kept getting refused because he was overspending. I hate giving him 'pocket money' but think its going to feel like that unitl he takes full control of his spending.

is he still on medication for his depression??

Your not being unreasonable no, your clearly going to have a phobia there of this all happening again, how long has it been since all the mess came out and you started managing it with your account?

Has he had enough time to get his head around managing money better?

From a personal point of view its taken me years to realise being ruthless with money isnt a good idea, it takes time to start looking at money in a different way esp if you have got used to spending it like its on tap.

I now have no o'draft, credit cards etc so there is no temptaion there to overspend and literally whats in our bank has to last us,,,,, which some months is really hard! But if you can get your head arpund being practical with money rather than ruthless this is a start, do you feel he there yet?

xx

How about you have a joint account for salaries, bills etc and then you each have a separate account that is topped up each month with a standing order from the joint account for casual spending.

That way you are each being treated equally, but it is easy for him (and you) to control your spending without risking the money in the joint account, which you can easily monitor.

Could he get his salary paid into his account and then DD a set amount into your account to pay the bills? Would this make him feel OK about it?

(You would know immediately if it wasn't done, so you couldn't get into more of a mess.)

ILoveTiffany he has never been on meds, refused point blank, which I was happy to support as work in MH and know its not always the answer. He had grief counselling though as depression triggered by traumatic loss of his parents within 3 years of each other. Looking back he has always teetered on edge of depression. He's not completely well yet, but so so much improved.

Some good ideas, all of which we need to talk about. Sadly money is the one thing guaranteed to cause a row in this house.

Luckily I start a new job soon, with a lot more money, which will make life a lot easier and once we are in the black I would feel better about giving him control back....I think. The mess was caused over a number of years - i would then catch him out, he'd be repentant, swear never again - and then guess what? It would happen again. It nearly broke us - both emotionally and financially. I think its harder because each month we struggle for money and I still have a little piece of me - only a little, but it is there - that resents him for the mess he caused. Is that awful?

It isnt awful Northern, it is very natural you would feel like that. You've been very forgiving - money is an insanely contentious issue in most relationships.

My DH is a bit like that, although on a much smaller scale, i.e., he gets a credit card, uses it all up with no meaningful way of paying it off, he 'fesses up when avenues of credit dry up, I reshuffle finances to sort it, he cuts up credit cards and vows not to do the same again, a few months pass and his credit has improved because I've sorted him out, he promises to use credit wisely to improve his financial/credit profile etc ...

We have a situation now where I simply control the finances. We have agreed that he isnt great with money and it is better if I control it to prevent messes occuring. I tell him each month what he has to pay for and he does that immediately and then has the rest for jollies. I have access to his bank account (with his permission) so I can check. He doesnt like it that he often runs out of money before his next pay day but it is the only way he can operate as he acknowledges that he cant really be trusted with credit. He does have very limited credit which he generally informs/asks me before using. He also is a second cardholder on my credit card for emergencies. We've both accepted this is how it has to be, and there are no longer the same circular arguments now.

It is emasculating for him and he hates that he can never treat me or surprise me because I know what he is spending and when, but the alternative makes me literally shake with anxiety over what debts he is building up which translates to big arguments.

I do the same as Sarky said, our money is paid into a bills payment account, I work out how much disposable income we have (for food and petrol) after all the deductions for the month, I then transfer it over once a week to one account that we both have access to, I check the balance about once a week and my OH tells me when he is taking money out. We have no money problems its just the way I like to organise it, I do all the shopping and he fills the car and takes the odd tenner out for whatever he needs. Works well for us.

overthehillmum thats what my ideal would be once we're financially secure.

Controlling or not there is no way I would allow anyone to jeopardise the roof over my head or that of my children. I'd take the view that until I was 100% convinced that we were not going to end up back to square one I would continue to be in charge of earnings and bill payments.

Feeling guilty about controlling a grown man is one thing... but how guilty would you feel if you didn't and as a result your children lost their home?

I'm a proponent of tough love in these matters I'm afraid.

Think you need to stay strong on this one. You getting a bigger salary won't deal with the issue.

If it helps to know how other people work their finances - our salaries are paid into our own separate current accounts, but the very next day, a standing order pays some of that money into the joint account, which is purely for household bills etc. That way, the bills are covered, but we still have separate money for our own discretionary spending. Would something similar work for you?