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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so protective

17 replies

youngmummy17 · 27/04/2011 10:28

my ex partner also my childs father wants too see our child without me there I won't allow it as I'm very concered of my childs safety as my childs father is only 17 he doesn't understand my childs needs and I worry where he will take my child as my childs fathers house is untidy and he lives with a violent alocholic and a smoker, my child doesn't know his father well either as he doesn't show to see him when we arrange he threatens me with court which scares me as he may get unsupervised access but his not on the birth certificate as he didn't show up when I went to register my child, I don't know if I'm being to protective and should give in so I don't have to deal with courts or should I stand my ground?

OP posts:

zikes · 27/04/2011 10:31

If you genuinely think there's a safety issue for your child, you should stand your ground. You can arrange for supervised visits at a contact centre to start with, which would keep your child safe and mean the father gets to see the child without you.

millie30 · 27/04/2011 10:32

How old is your child?

hairylights · 27/04/2011 10:32

If you have genuine concerns about safety you are better off going to court and looking at supervised contact.

worraliberty · 27/04/2011 10:34

I think court is probably the best solution.

Original poster

youngmummy17 · 27/04/2011 10:34

My child is only 4 months old

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/04/2011 10:36

If you genuinely think there's a safety issue then you should stand your ground, tell him he is welcome to come and see him but that he is not having unsupervised contact - that he will have to go to court if he wants that.

However, not all 17 year old lads are hopeless with babies, some are pretty good - just make sure you aren't doing it out of some need to punish him for not being with you or supporting you how you feel he should have.

FabbyChic · 27/04/2011 10:37

He was clearly old enough for you to sleep with and have a child with, but now you say he is not old enough to be allowed to be a father.

Start with supervised visits at your home or a contact centre, and let him build up trust in order that he can see the child on his own.

Children need their fathers.

millie30 · 27/04/2011 10:38

If you are concerned about safety then going to court and offering immediate access at a contact centre is probably the best thing to do. That way you are proving that you are willing to facilitate contact, but are clear in the need for there to be some supevision in place.

hairylights · 27/04/2011 10:38

fabby people make mistakes

evilgdil · 27/04/2011 10:42

you thought he was old enough to be a father when you decided to have sex with him and make a baby. what exactly has he doen that has put your child in a dangerous situation?
have you ever allowed him access? let him proove himself?
how old are you? how would you feel if someone told you that you shouldnt be allowed your baby because of your age?

Original poster

youngmummy17 · 27/04/2011 10:45

I'm not saying his not old enough to be a father he should be a afther no matter what age but as his 17 he is very immature and doesn't bond with his son just leaves me to do the hardwork as I'm only 17 myself I'm under a lot of stress as I get a lot of negitivity when all I want is a real father for my child

OP posts:

Bloodymary · 27/04/2011 10:46

Stand your ground, allow him to see the child only when you are present.
If he threatens you with court, do not worry as i am quite sure they will be behind you, I mean he is not even on the birth certificate because he could not be bothered to turn up!
Do not let him bully you.

knittedbreast · 27/04/2011 10:47

I can see why you are upset but i think you might be over reacting a tiny bit. your ex probebly dousnt have a choice where he lives, i imagine he would like to live elsewhere too. can you imagine having your child live with someone else all the time and have to ask to see him/her?

hy dont you let him take the baby to the park for an hour, make sure he knows to be back in time. give your ex the chance to biuld up your trust and bond with the baby. maybe your ex could have baby at your while you go to town?

eventually your ex will want to show off his child to his own family in his won home and he has every right too, im sure your little one would be ok for an hour at his palce.

also he wont leanr how to look after his child unless you give him the chance. you know yourself that no amount of intructions help, it all instinct led. give them that time together

knittedbreast · 27/04/2011 10:48

excuse that awful writing. this laptop has funny keys

evilgdil · 27/04/2011 10:48

you only gain maturity with experiance of things, if you wont let him be a father, how can he proove himself?

Original poster

youngmummy17 · 27/04/2011 10:55

He hasn't proved himself he doesn't show when we arrange his thretened to chop my arms off to take my child away from me but I still continue to let him see my child as its his father even though he doesn't help with looking after our child I don't justify what you're saying that I was old enouggh to have sex with him but won't let him be a father no matter my age hif I was 10 years older I'd see have no respect from my childs father he only wants to be a dad when my child is older so he can take him to football, I was a mother from day one I feel the father should be just because I feel my son would be indanger shouldn't stop him seeing his own child

OP posts:

olderandwider · 27/04/2011 11:32

Have you anyone in RL to talk to? From what you have said , this man doesn't sound terribly safe to be left with a 4 month old baby - "thretened to chop my arms off to take my child away from me".

I think your priority should be you and your baby. Ask for whatever help you need from family, friends and SS, and if you really think this man is a threat, be firm about only allowing him to see his child when you are there. You may need legal advice too about his rights.

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