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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to buy house with DH when possibly splitting up...please read

19 replies

littlemisslost · 27/04/2011 10:08

Okay, so its sounds stupid but I will explain. Currently four months into separation. I earn but not on a permanent contract and Im a student nurse (almost finished) so at present although I can afford to pay a smallish mortgage I cant actually get one. We need to sell our current house because a. I cant afford it on my own and b.We have never been happy here anyway have always wanted to move and c. we have debts which are costing almost what the mortgage is!
It is me who initiated separation for many reasons and we are now getting along better and he is making alot more effort, I am starting to wonder whether a new house, new start, big increase in income (once I qualify) and a kick up the arse of the last few months separation might go some way to making us work???

I have asked dh if we can get another mortgage together, buy a house for less than our current one because we have seen a few, pay off all the debts, keep a lump aside from the equity and see if were happier and can make it work? If we can't I can keep that house on by myself as it would be cheaper and he can go with the equity saved without me having to sell up and lose my and dd home. Does this sound reasonable? unreasonable?

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/04/2011 10:12

It sounds like it's worth a shot to me. Just be aware that it's probably the separation that's making things feel better - when you're back living in the same house as him you might well immediately remember what it was about him that made you want to separate in the first place. So tread carefully.

Do you mean that once you've qualified you'll earn enough to take on the new mortgage if things do go wrong again?

FabbyChic · 27/04/2011 10:13

Do you still love each other? Can you have a future together?

Tying yourselves into a joint mortgage when your marriage is on the rocks is risky.

If he has a joint mortgage with you, if you split up how will he be able to get a another mortgage? You would have to buy him out and have to get your own mortgage can you do that?

compo · 27/04/2011 10:14

I'd have him move back in first and then see if you want to buy a house together
money worries gone won't mean any other problems disappear

Original poster

littlemisslost · 27/04/2011 18:22

I would be able to afford the mortgage on my own once Im working full time from end of this year. I thought that by getting a cheaper house we could put aside some equity which he could take if things dont work out. I told him I wouldnt let him take the equity until the house is signed over to me though. As for getting a joint mortgage with him, we have already got on on this house so its no difference. Neither of us can affford this place on our own.

OP posts:

biffandchip · 27/04/2011 18:26

Are you sure you're not just thinking about getting back so you can get a mortgage and if it doesn't work out you have the house you want and he can move out?

nightshade · 27/04/2011 18:30

even if you can afford the new mortgage on your own, there is no guarantees that mortgage lender will give it to you, meaning your husband will continue to be tied in, not allowing him to get a mortgage on his own.

i have personal experience of this!

i suggest you sell up and rent together for a while before buying anything else together.

roadrunnerbeepbeep · 27/04/2011 18:36

I agree with nightshade. Sell your current house, pay off the debts which will take off a whole load of pressure and rent for a bit. You can both test the water without worrying about what happens if it doesn't work out.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/04/2011 18:39

It sounds entirely reasonable to me, and it could be that a new home and less debt stress will do wonders for both of you.

Of course when the novelty of reconciliation, and the diversion of creating a new home, wears off the marriage may well go down the pan but at least by that time you'll both be in a better place financially.

Good luck - I hope it works out for you.

PigWhisperer · 27/04/2011 18:47

Agree with Nightshade and also have experience! You may want to take over the mortgage but the mortgage provider might not let you. Therefore you are both tied to the house.

It is easier to get divorced than it is to get out of a mortgage!

Good Luck

Original poster

littlemisslost · 27/04/2011 18:49

hmm yes of course thats an option, have never rented in my life, bought my first house when I ws 19!. Also we will have to pay a hefty penalty with our lender if we end the mortgage at the moment as we signed into a new fixed deal last year. If we get another mortgage with them we dont have to pay the penalty.

Im not just doing this so I have a nice house when I kick him out lol
It is difficult at the minute as I cant get another mortgage in my own name alone for a while but when we bought our current house he was unemployed and I was in a good full time job so I got the mortgage and we used all our equity as deposit so it all kind of evens out.
I think to be honest, past few months without him I have been through various stages and chatted to alot of people and I just dont want to be one of those who thought the grass was greener and found out too late that it wasnt! Money has been an issue as we have pretty much always just had one income due to either me studying or him being made redundant

OP posts:

maighdlin · 27/04/2011 18:52

i think given what i know of your situation it would not be stupid to move house. debts and lack of money put a serious strain on a relationship and if you have the chance to sort it i would say go for it. it sounds like you are in a transitional phase in your life and once you qualify and settle down then make decisions re separation.

Goblinchild · 27/04/2011 18:55

Renting gives you a lot more flexibility with jobs as well, unless you have one already lined up with security.

Original poster

littlemisslost · 27/04/2011 19:07

well I have a couple of options at the moment and I already work part time somewhere who have told me there will always be a job for me so im not too worried about work. It will be prety much the first imt in our 10 years together that both of us will be earning, we might even be able to afford a proper holiday and definately living somewhere quieter where our dd can play out and make friends and we can sit in our garden with a glass of wine without the horrible neighbours peering over and listening to us or sweaing and shouting at eachother will be heaven!
I can see how much my dh wants to make it right and is trying to do so and that makes me want it to work, also ive been going out and looking at whats out there and there isnt much lol

OP posts:

roadrunnerbeepbeep · 27/04/2011 19:18

Another thought. Will your current mortgage provider let you rent out your house? If you can cover the mortgage with rental from somewhere else you might be able to do a 6 month rental with your H. If its all going okay you could then buy another place together without the fixed penalty.

All depends on the maths of course - and may not work out moneywise - but might be worth looking at.

chocolatehobnobs · 27/04/2011 20:09

Bad idea. Buying and seling a house is time consuming and very stressful.

Northeastgirl · 27/04/2011 21:06

I'd concentrate on exploring whether you can save your marriage, rather than focussing on the financial details of perhaps buying a house together in these circumstances, which sounds risky to me. You may find that you're getting on better at the moment because you could see the end in sight (ie the separation), so you have been more willing to accept imperfections in the relationship. Good luck

Original poster

littlemisslost · 28/04/2011 16:13

roadrunner, chocloatehobnobs, Northeastgirl: I am trying to save my marriage, one step towards that is getting out of this house that we both hate being in. As someody said to me, if youre not happy in your home youre not going to be happy anywhere. We havent been happy in this homs since we moved in because we have horrible neighbours and the road is so busy we can never park our car, our dd and dog are stuck indoors driving us and eachother mad and because its in a suposably nice area its costing us a fortune. We have friend who are in average little houses in average little estates full of children and play areas and we could buy one of these and have enough change to be totally debt free. This move would address several stressors on us in one swoop.
For the last four months or so since we split I spent the first two months going out alot with friends and being chatted up by losers and being told by most people that they hope I know what I am doing and that there are not many men like mine around.For the last few weeks Ive started to miss him and think that providing he does step up to the mark and has learned from this I think I would like to give him another chance and thats where I am right now.

OP posts:

Northeastgirl · 28/04/2011 21:16

Best of luck. Don't let a good man escape!

HellNoSayItAintSo · 28/04/2011 21:59

Sounds pretty sensible to me.

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