to want to rant about my toxic mother?

[darleneconnor]

Would I be unreasonable to cut this bitch woman out of my life?

I ended up spending a lot more time with 'it' over Easter than I know is good for me. DP has directed me here for a rant because he is sick of hearing about it (fair point, the same thing happens every time I spend more than a few hours with her).

Things I'm pissed off about:

1. I'm overweight, borderline obese, but sensibly dieting, losing some weight. She HATES fat people. She regularly finds some way to bring this to my attention eg after going to the shop she revels in telling me about the 'disgusting' fat person she saw eating, in the street. Later, I mentioned an article about how so many of us will live to 100, to which she retorted that it wouldn't include all these disgusting fat people. Then she sits and eats a bag of crisps in front of me (she's a skinny minny who can eat what she likes and stays slim) and gets offended when I refuse her offer of some because I remind her I'm on a diet. I mean would you offer an alcoholic a drink???

2. She shows blatent favouritism of my DS over my DD. She plays games with him and doesnt attempt to include DD, then chastises DD for getting upset. She says how 'DD will be trouble when she grows up'- dont know where she gets this from DD is v amenable unlike DS!

Another time, DS took apart DD's toy, which, ok she wasn't playing with at that exact moment but as she's 3 was obviously going to get upset at seeing broken up and left on the floor. I told DS he shouldn't have done that without asking first (he's 8) and my dearest Mummie took his side!

She always plays the good cop bad cop routine with me and DS, making herself out to be the 'nice gran' by letting him do all the things I tell him not to. It makes it v difficult for me to parent him in front of her when she always paints me as the baddie. She lets him stay out playing with friends until 10 pm, watch any non-sex 18 film, go on long road bike trips without his helmet, stay up past midnight every night, etc etc. He pulls faces at me when he gets away with this stuff, knowing that I disapprove.

3. We had a meal together for which she insisted on making chips even though we had plenty of mashed potatoes and I said that serving chips would make it difficult to get DD to eat anything else. We were 5 mins into the meal when I remembered that the chips were still in the oven. She took them out and sure enough DD wouldn't eat anything else until all the chips were gone. I said to Mum that this is why we hardly ever have chips at home and she said it was my fault for remembering that they were in the oven!!! FFS the woman is a nutter!

She also insisted on not having dinner until 7pm, which is an obvious PITA with DCs bedtimes and poked fun at all the people who eat at regular times ie 1pm for lunch, 5 or 6pm for dinner saying that she doesnt eat at those times 'because she has a good breakfast' (undertone of another dig at 'fatties'). DD was so tired by the end of the meal that she had to go straight to bed so then Mum had a go at me for not giving her a good wash before bedtime. I bloody would have if we'd had an earlier dinner!!!

4. She said DD 'was starting to look a bit podgy' but then let her eat loads of chocolate, ice cream, crisps against my express wishes and the aforementioned chips.

5. DD had a runny nose due to hayfever but Mum insisted it must be a cold. (She believes most allergies are 'in people's heads') WTF! (Dont even get me started on her DM esque opinions on dyslexia and ADHD)

6. I'm a student and she knows I've got lots of reading to do but insists on talking to me about crap when I'm trying to concentrate. Is this not extremely rude?

7. I think she should go on that 'grumpy old women' tv show. Every day, without fail she picks up the tv guide (she wont use the one on the digibox) and complains that there is nothing on. I try explaining to her that it's not the 70s/80s anymore and that tv isn't at the centre of people's leisure time anymore but she just likes to hear herself moan I think. I tell her that people spend more time online now than watching tv but she says she 'doesn't like or see the point of 'that internet thing''- as if it's one thing! She says it's anti-social (concede microscopic point here) and 'how can anyone possibly have 100 friends anyway?' She is such a dinosaur. She is totally hostile to anything new or modern and she's only in her 50s.

8. She's recently and for the first time in her life out of work and on benefits atm (prob slim chance of ever working again, though, tbh). Her downturn in fortunes is partly due to her being disabled but partly due to her for no good reason leaving Dad, very poor money management on her part including smoking away 10s of 1000's, and a little big bit of fraud. Ok so it's shit that her life has turned out like this but she did bring a fair bit of it on herself (against my advice, might I add). A few years ago I found myself on benefits less than hers and not only did she not help me out financially but she actually took money I'd been given from a charity for Xmas off me! She was rolling in it at the time but seemed to take satisfaction in seeing my misfortune. Now that I've dug myself out of that hole and have some money access to debt she keeps hinting for me to 'help her out'. Not with bills, but for holiday money!

I could go on but better stop there.

Thanks for reading all that. I do feel better for getting it out.

Sorry about tyour mum only thing I can realte to is the weight thing , tried telling her one ear..out the other.

I stay away from mine when she's like that. Usually when drinking!!! If she's sober I can cope. I would cut her out if it's making you so down.

I wish she was only sometimes like that. She can put on the pretence of being 'civil' for a few hours, enought for a meal, but then her guard comes down.

She doesn't even need alcohol to be toxic. She never gets tipsy/drunk because she 'hates being out of control'. I wish she would just get pissed and lighten up!

I tried to escape her before by moving away. but a couple of years later she bloody followed me!

YANBU.
Well done for losing weight. Although in the same way that you dislike it when she makes fattist comments, I really dislike skinny-minny.

It sounds like you have decided what you want. If you can't cope with her for more than a few hours, then don't see her for more than a few hours, and perhaps not so regularly. 'We have plans' is a great line. I certainly wouldn't help her out financially. With regard to food issues, perhaps only see her for meals you have prepared? Picnics are controllable meals. I don't know how to deal with favoritism. I'm sure another mumsnetter will be along shortly...

You need to be asking yourself three questions -

Is she ever likely to change the way she behaves? If not, can you live with her like this?

How does reading the list you put in your OP make you feel? Angry? Stressed?

Would you put up with this behaviour from someone who wasn't closely related to you?

She doesn't seem to enhance your life, so you're within your rights to stop seeing someone who makes you constantly feel like shit.

There will be repercussions of course, the rest of the family will notice, and what about her seeing your DC?

It's a big decision, but looks like this has been building up for you for a while.

Perhaps you could condense your OP and tell her the shortened version saying that you think you'd like to withdraw contact with her and if things go on as they are, you will.

I think the individual examples of her behaviour are less important than the entire context of your relationship, which doesn't sound like a happy one - by which I mean a lot of those things would be mere annoyances if you generally got on well (for example, my own mother sees fit to tell me my hair looks hideous every time I have it cut )

Agree with Agent ZigZag that you need to ask yourself some questions and think about the fallout, but you clearly can't go on like this.