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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think eleven years olds are too young to be dating?

48 replies

wordfactory · 26/04/2011 11:45

Am I living in cloud cuckoo land and it is perfectly okay for year sevens to be dating?

Apparently, other parents are happy with this, but it just seems so very young to me...

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 12:25

I had a boyfriend when I was 11. We used to go swimming and kiss sometimes, not often though.

Most of the time they just see each other in school.

allgonebellyup · 26/04/2011 12:29

im sure its all innocent. And the fact you are worried means you care.

Having said that, we have a year 8 couple (age 13) at our school who are becoming parents soon

Shineynewthings · 26/04/2011 12:33

My personal opinion is that children should not be encouraged by adults (as well as popular culture) into playing relationships at a young age and 11 is ridiculously young, even if it is mostly innocent. I think it sends the wrong message. I knew one parent who brought her son a ring so that he could gift it to his 'girlfriend' who he said he was 'in love with.' He was 8. She was 10! His mother was bonkers in my opinion.

Original poster

wordfactory · 26/04/2011 12:33

Oh that is tragic isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

wordfactory · 26/04/2011 12:36

shiney that's sort of how I feel.
That way we all know where we are vis a vis adults and childhood.

OP posts:

Ooopsadaisy · 26/04/2011 12:38

My friend's DD has been asked out by a lad at school just before Christmas.

We were mildly about it at the time.

They are now "going out together".

We find this hysterical now because they've never been anywhere.

He bought her a teddy bear for Christmas and gave her a peck on the cheek and ran away. She got a Valentine's card too.

I don't think they've ever actually had a proper conversation. Just a few furtive glances followed by "OMG,OMG .... he looked at me ...."

I think it's all very sweet.

Obviously there are serious issues if they start actually going out and snogging and groping ..... and things lead towards sex etc, but it really depends on the children's interpretation of "dating".

Original poster

wordfactory · 26/04/2011 12:45

Some of the girls DD knows are certainly going beyond the 'I'm going out with a boy but we've never spoken' thing.
They meet up. They snog.

I guess I'm just shocked that there are parents who are okay with that.

Then again, I'm always shocked that there are parents who let their young DC wear high heels and thongs. Or join Facebook.

I think I belong in the stone age.

OP posts:

nokissymum · 26/04/2011 13:09

Wordfactory, you're not alone!

Original poster

wordfactory · 26/04/2011 13:12

It's hard.
On the one hand I don't want DD to be a socail misfit because of me, on the other hand, I don't want to allow things just because others do...

OP posts:

Chocolocolate · 26/04/2011 13:24

When my brother was four years old, much to my poor Mother's embarrassment, he nicked my Mum's wedding ring to give to a girl. They declared themselves married and held hands all through primary school.

They are still friends now, although they never snogged.

On the other side of the coin one of my cousins got pregnant at 12 (baby at 13), but that was very complicated. She had a very difficult life and it was far from normal 11 year olds holding hands.

YANBU to be creeped out OP, but I can't really see that there's anything that can be done about it as, from my memory, most 'going out' was done at school.

MillyR · 26/04/2011 13:28

Someone said girls and boys should not be going out solo together, and go out in groups instead. I'm not really sure how that can work. DD is 10 and her best friend is a boy. They spend lots of time together, including lots of time alone in her room, and have done for years.

I think it is fairly normal for children to have close friendships with children of the opposite sex, and perhaps saying you are 'going out' is just for the benefit of other children.

cantspel · 26/04/2011 13:32

My youngest had his first girlfriend in year 7. It consisted of him taking her shopping on a saturday and then to the pictures or kfc a bit of hand holding, lots of hugging and the odd kiss.
Now in year 8 they have parted but still part of the same friend group and he has given up girls until he gets his grades up.

wannaBe · 26/04/2011 13:39

I had a couple of boyfriends when I was twelve/thirteen. Both were older than me and in both cases we went out for oh, about three weeks. I was heartbroken when they broke up with me.

I am still friends with both of them 25 years on although from a distance as we now all live in different countries. One of them I suspect is gay although sadly the country he lives in it is not as tolerated so I suspect he has never felt able to come out.

I had two boyfriends who were five years older than me - one of them when I was fourteen. At the time I suspected his mother didn't like me, but in retrospect I suspect she was concerned because I was so young.

I never had sex until I was 21.

I think that forbidding "relationships" is a bad idea, because in truth unless you forbid your children from having friendships with children of the opposite sex you won't be able to prevent attractions from developing. And if you've forbidden them from going out they'll find a way to do it anyway.

Being attracted to one another is part of growing up - it's normal, and just because they're attracted to one another doesn't mean they're having sex.

It's better to be open about, and supportive of the friendship/relationship because if it does reach a more serious/concerning stage you're more likely to be more aware than if you've forbidden them from seeing each other and they're doing so behind your back.

EverythingInMiniature · 26/04/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nokissymum · 26/04/2011 14:09

"Someone said girls and boys should not be going out solo together, and go out in groups instead. I'm not really sure how that can work."

"DD is 10 and her best friend is a boy".

Nothing wrong with DD bestfriend being a boy, i believe this is quite healthy for their development. Infact my own best friend at that age was a boy.

"They spend lots of time together, including lots of time alone in her room, and have done for years."

bearing in mind that best friend is of the opposite sex and that they are growing, this is where you need to set boundaries. I would not allow Time alone in her room. There are other ways in which they can spend lots of time together, but not in seclusion.

I would also draw the line with solo outings with this male friend, if DD is upset you will just have to explain to her why you feel its inappropriate as you would with staying out late etc, its for her own good, and may not seem pleasant at the time, but im sure she will appreciate these boundaries when she is older.

MsToni · 26/04/2011 14:18

My BMF has 2 girls - 9 and 12. He drags me along on 'dates' with the 12yo and her 'bf' - shopping, cinemas etc. It seems innocuous enough, a bit of hand holding and the 'bf' blushes furiously when they kiss hello and goodbye. She promised she'd tell me if it goes beyond that and I hope she does.

If you have a good relationship with them and are open to all sorts of conversations and tough questions and are honest with each other, it should be okay.....I think.

MillyR · 26/04/2011 14:37

NKM, my daughter isn't that way inclined, so I'm not going to set such boundaries. Even if she was, I'm not sure I would invade on her privacy in such a way.

nokissymum · 26/04/2011 14:42

MillyR, your daughter maynot be that way inclined, but you cant assume the boy isnt either.

Its totally up to you if you dont want to set boundaries, im simply stating what I would do.

As far as invasion of privacy, our thoughts obviously differ, to me if my child is putting herself in a situtation that i feel may have repercussions, i will stuff privacy, (we are talking about 8-11yr olds here), my role is to guide her.

empirestateofmind · 26/04/2011 14:54

There are fewer than a dozen couples in DD's year at school out of nearly 200 students in Year 10. I like that there is no pressure on the boys or girls to pair off, they can just be friends.

SueSylvesterforPM · 26/04/2011 15:20

not sure tbh, there 11 year old 'dating' then theres dating

I aggree with one other poster don't label it that way, you dont wanna encourage her to think boys are only ever bf material.

cory · 26/04/2011 21:44

We had dating when I was 11 (which is now 36 years ago), handholding a little later, then kissing; I still didn't have sex until I was 20. Though as a matter of fact I had reached puberty by age 11 and did already have quite serious feelings for boys; but there was no expectation that those feelings would find an outlet.

Seems very similar to dd's school really.

cory · 26/04/2011 21:47

fwiw I think it is healthy to have a few years of practising/playing at relationships before the serious stuff starts.

Mumcentreplus · 26/04/2011 22:08

No you are not being unreasonable imo...'playing at ' & 'practising' are 2 different things imo..I had a love when I was 8 we held hands and once he kissed me on the cheek! ...I knew a girl who used to snog...she was pregnant by 14

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