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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family feud is ruining my pregnancy...help!

20 replies

millskii · 25/04/2011 19:06

I am 20, boyfriend is 21 and we are expecting our first in July (not planned but now really excited).

We are about to graduate from University in June, and my bf will obviously get a job ASAP after this. However, we are worried about where we are going to live & how to pay for it. I think I am right in thinking renting somewhere privately before we establish stable income would be a little irresponsible.

My grandparents have a massive 8 bed house with an annex that they have offered us to live in with them basically for free until we find our feet.

BF and I are so grateful for this and agree it would be the best decision for our new family. However, we have one big problem in the way. My parents fell out with my grandparents a few years ago and refuse to have any kind of contact. Grandparents still send b-day card's and try and make contact but parents wont have any of it. I dont really know the in's and outs of the situation. I maintained excellent relationships with both parents and grandparents but it's been really hard to do so.

I mentioned to my parents that living at grandparents may be the best option for us... but they dismissed it and said I "wont be doing that because then they wont be able to come and visit", and "I chose not to have an abortion so I have to be independent".

AIBU to expect my parents to get over themselves for the sake of me and my baby? Or should I be understanding of what they want me to do in this situation?

I want to do whats best for my little one but at the same time I really don't want to lose my parents over it, as I am young I am going to really need their support when baby arrives. I would really appreciate some objective, adult, and honest advice!

Thank you

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 25/04/2011 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 25/04/2011 19:08

YANBU Your parents need to grow up. Not entirely sure how you can make them see that though.

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 19:09

You are not a child, so you are entitled to know why there is a feud. If your parents refuse to visit you at your grandparents house, then you can always go to visit them.

Ultimately, you are soon to be a parent yourself, and have to make the decisions yourself, for the best interests of your child, and not because it keeps your parents happy.

hairylights · 25/04/2011 19:10

I agree with Beertrix

Rhinestone · 25/04/2011 19:12

Your parents are behaving like 2 year olds having a tantrum.

That's a wonderful offer from your grandparents and will be of enormous help to you. Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn such as an unplanned pregnancy but the very best 'social safety net' is a loving and supportive family. Your grandparents are providing just that.

You're about to be a mother, not just someone's child, and you do have to do what's best for your new family.

Tell your parents to get over themselves and accept your grandparent's wonderful offer. I think you'll find a huge weight has been lifted. They sound wonderful by the way and I'm so pleased for you that you have them!

TheVisitor · 25/04/2011 19:13

Your parents are thinking of themselves and not you. Of course this would be the best option for you both and they are being selfish in trying to emotionally blackmail you out of it.

Pheebe · 25/04/2011 19:13

You need to do what best for your little family. Staying with your GPs is ideal and a very very kind offer. So on the face of it YANBU to accept

Its difficult to say whether your parents are being unreasonable without knowing the reasons for the falling out. Whatever it is though it doesn't sound like they've involved anyone else at this point.

Have they asked you to limit contact with your GPs prior to this? If not, then I would definitely accept your GPs offer. If it means you have to visit your parents instead of them coming to you then so be it. They should not be asking you to be in the middle of whatever issue they have with your GPs, that's their business especially as they haven't told you the full story anyway.

Congratulations btw

DontGoCurly · 25/04/2011 19:14

Well It does really depend on what went on between parents and Grandparents. Who was in the wrong sort of thing.....because your Grandparents inviting you there could be a way of punishing your parents iyswim.

I'm very much of the opinion that there is no such thing as a free lunch. There will always be a price to pay.

It does seem a bit manipulative of them to be tempting you away with such an offer.....it's obvious your parents will become the outsiders in this situation.

It's really hard to know what's up without knowing more background. I would try to get your own place if you can at all, because otherwise you are getting sucked into a war!

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 25/04/2011 19:15

You do realise you don't need their permission, don't you?

But tbh, you made a baby. and while it is nice to have support and it does make a difference, there's no denying it - you have got to be able to go it alone if you have to! If you cannot have a baby without the support of your parents, then you are not ready to have a baby.

You have a baby. That means you have to put a roof over its head, you have to put food in its mouth. you have to clothe it.

If you rely on others to do any of this, then you are in trouble.

Appreciate support, but neither rely on, demand or expect it. you have to know that you can go it alone if you have to. Anything else is a bonus.

bubblecoral · 25/04/2011 19:16

This is nothing to do with your parents, it's about what is best for your new little family. If you have been lucky enough to be given such a generous offer you should take it.

There is very little chance your parents are going to miss out on their beautiful grandchild because of a rift. And if they want to be stubborn, it just means you taking the baby to see them for a while instead of them coming over.

Journey · 25/04/2011 19:24

Stay with your grandparents. It makes financial sense plus it might be quite nice for you knowing that your grandparents are close by for company when the baby is born.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/04/2011 19:31

I agree with Hecate, your an adult choosing to bring a child into the world therefore you need to ensure you have the means to financially and emotionally support it.

I'd accept the short term help but would be actively seeking work to enable you to get your own home for your family.

MadameCastafiore · 25/04/2011 19:36

Grab the help and tell your parents that you will visit them so they don't have to come to you.

How many people on here say 'you have to be able to support it' and then gladly get their tax credits every month - the hipocrisy is hilarious.

Families are there to help you - if you were my daughter I would be glad that you had somewhere to live if I couldn't offer that to you.

MadameCastafiore · 25/04/2011 19:37

Really happymummy of one - would you be willing to stand up and tell that to all the parents who decide to have kids whilst on benefits??

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 19:40

You have to do what is best for you and the child, your parents are trying to emotionally blackmail you and that is wrong.

You need the support of your grandparents more before you find your feet as it were as an independant couple.

RunAwayWife · 25/04/2011 19:40

YANBU it is your parents that are behaving like children.

MOVE IN WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS

Your parents will have to grow up and get over it

Serenitysutton · 25/04/2011 19:41

YOu poor thing, I really feel for you. You've had some great advice here and I agree with it. I hope things get better

heliumballoons · 25/04/2011 19:44

I agree with others and what Hectate said about you now being a parent and making decisions for yourself is true and you need to be financially stable.

I am shocked your parents said you decided not to abort so get on with it, and when you do try and dictate.

Things happen, life doesn't alwys take the path you plan - but you are looking at the long run with the situation you've got. Thats all you can do.

Congratulations btw.

heliumballoons · 25/04/2011 19:45

Oh and BTW stick with MN theres loads of great advice here.

kaid100 · 25/04/2011 19:52

If both parents and grandparents were offering a place to stay I might suggest taking the parents offer first as they are the closer relative, but it seems like your parents are being fairly unhelpful "[You] chose not to have an abortion so [You] have to be independent". It's an awkward one, but I would take up your grandparents offer, tell your parents that you love them, and maybe this will be the trigger that will get them talking to your grandparents again. Can I suggest given your condition, either not being present when they are informed or waiting until the baby arrives before telling them. If they start to blow out, make sure there is another responsible adult (like DP) present to remind them how important it is things aren't too stressful for you.

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