I think I am... I should be ecstatic, not bloody miserable!

[HelpMeWanda]

So after a long and horrible three months of fighting, soon-to-be XH and I have agreed the divorce arrangements.

He has a history of violent behaviour - cutting DD's (2yo) hair off after an argument, smashing things when he's upset with me... and the playing "The Victim" a la Lundy Bancroft to the hilt. After six months of Relate and leaving him twice I made the final move in January and have never been happier. He however has been loathe to let go - saying he loves me still even though he is on the online dating sites only three days after we split - and his profile saying that he doesn't have kids...

Anyway, it's been such a nasty fight - he agreed a visitation schedule, then changes his mind. He threatened to go for 50/50 custody, then enlisted the help of Families Need Fathers to help him get 100% parental responsibility. The goalposts were shifting every day and it was so draining...

When he realised how much all of this would cost in legal fees, he finally agreed to a round table meeting today with a mediator and an independent witness so that we could agree arrangements one final time. I was totally prepared with all my logic, facts and proposals and I managed to get him to agree to everything I had suggested! It took all day and a lot of persuading but finally the arrangement has been settled, signed, witnessed and is ready to go to court.

I was over the moon earlier - not only do I remain as custodial parent, with a generous maintenance agreement and one overseas holiday together once a year to visit all our relations back in RSA - but he also has her every second Saturday night, giving me some well-deserved "me-time"!

So if all this is exactly what I wanted - and more - WHY do I feel so wretched? I've cracked open a bottle of Moet to celebrate but I'm sitting here sobbing over my keyboard... I should be happy, not sad! What's going on?

Anyone want to join me in a sympathetic ?

Of course you are going to be sad, not because you miss what was but because you are mourning what should have been. I will join you in a and when you have this behind you it will be easier to move on and begin to enjoy your new life and freedom from the bad times.
Good luck.

OP

I think you are crying for what could of been, everyone goes into a marrige full of hopes and dreams for the future and it all turned to ashes for you through no fault of your own. No wonder you are sad its awful for you but you will pull through have a good wallow for awhile then pull round and move on. It will get better.

for you. It must bring a lot back.
Good luck x

Because it was horrendously stressful and you now need the release of crying to come to terms with it. It will have taken a terrible emotional toll on you.

Today will have had you going through the emotional wringer, and you're going to be mentally and physically knackered. You'll feel the joy when you've had a good kip. x

Been there and done that OP. As the above posters said, your're sad for what might have been.
But give yourself some time, and you'll realise that it will be the best decision you ever made.
And, if you're anything like me you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier.
I'm a very content lone parent and wouldn't have it any other way.
and

That's exactly it - you're right! It's the sadness of how it should have been as well as the relief all flooding in at once... no wonder I'm a "bit" emotional...

Can I just say that this tasty glass of Moet I got on offer from Sainsbos today is definitely hitting the spot?

And this is why I heart Mumsnet... because you all understaaaaaand! Thank you ladies!

sometimes letting go of your dreams or what could have been is harder than letting go of a person, also the anger towards him for ruining them

and the stress of the last few months too must have been a real roller coaster of a ride

it will get much better. must pop to sainsburys myself tomorrow