Dd is starting to prefer my mum to me!

[Pinkjenny]

I think I accept that every situation has it's price. My mum has looked after dd (and now ds) two days a weeks since she was 9 months old. I am an only child and my mum is a massive part of my life, we see her most days.

Dd adores my mum, and they have a wonderful relationship. However, just lately, we are starting to experience a few problems. My mum obviously wants dd to be happy, but she is, to be frank, an absolute pushover. Dd has started to talk to her in quite a disrespectful way, and I am becoming concerned about her manners, and the fact that she never seems to do as she's told. I think my mum thinks I am being too harsh on her, and I know my mum is concerned that I prefer ds - which is f*cking ridiculous and completely untrue.

On Thursday, I went away with some friends and dd stayed over at my mum and dad's for the first time since she was about 12 months old. She had an absolute ball, they took her out for tea, took her to the shops for ice lollies at 9pm (!) and she went to sleep at 10.20pm. The next day, she was exhausted. When I arrived to pick her up, she went ballistic, and when we got home, she screamed for an hour (I kid you not), saying that she wanted to live with my mum and dad. I was really, really upset, which annoys me, because I know I should have just ignored her or told her that it was lovely she enjoyed staying there but that she lived here. I didn't do that, I showed her how upset I was, which made the whole thing worse.

Yesterday, we went to my aunt's house for an Easter party, and when we left, dd said, in front of everyone, 'I want to stay with my nan, I don't like you.' Which was rather embarrassing. My aunt was pointing out to me that this is perfectly natural, that my mum never says no, blah blah blah.

I am upset on a few levels, I think. Firstly that she says things like this and demonstrates such a preference to my mum, and secondly, I feel my mum should be a little stricter with her.

How do I handle it? Do I accept it and ignore it? It's quite hurtful, tbh.

Am I overreacting? Dd is 4yo next month, btw.

apart from the 'discipline' boundary issue, children saying they prefer someone else is quite normal, they start realising the impact their words/ actions can have on others but really without malice
I recall mine saying she would rather go with her friend's mother as she was much nicer, I took no notice and carried on although it stung a bit
but I did not blame her or got angry with her either

Thing with grandparents is that they do all the nice stuff, have loads of time for them etc...my mum told me you love your grandkids as much as you love your own kids. By the time you've got grandchildren you're generally financially secure and can afford more treats etc. I honestly don't think I can recall a time my mum has even told any of mine off.

Don't feel bad about it, be happy they have such a good relationship. There can never be too many people who love your kids so much.

Completely normal, my dc are the same but they get the shock of their lives when my mum tells them off for something and comes running back to me and when they've stayed with her for a couple of days they start to ask when we are coming back.

Mmm. I suspect I handled it all wrong. I think part of the problem is that my mum spends hours playing with her, and I don't do that, as clearly I have things to do. I do try and organise things for us to do on our own, as I'm conscious that ds takes up a lot of my time, we went to see Disney Live Music Festival on our own on Saturday, which was lovely.

Bottleofbeer - I think you're right, my mum gets to be the fun one, and I get to be the one that dd must feel like is always saying no to her.

I'm not a fan of being the bad guy.

No but i bet she feels more secure with you, children need boundaries long term don't try and compete with your mum and your not the bad one, this is normal behaviour for her age, give her 2 years and she'll be playing you off against each other

don't be too hard on yourself either just laugh and play with her as well as laying down the law, when mine complains I tell her it is my job to tell her what to do and make a joke of it, although not all the time

parenting is hard work, it is nice that she has a good relationship with the grandparents and that you have the help

This is all too familiar to me. I have an identical situation with my parents. They look after my children 2 days a week (in my house), and spoil them rotten. No rules, no discipline, all playing, and no tidying up either, so when I get home from work the house is a tip. I'm the bad guy, the one who says it's bed time etc. It drives me mad.

And the worst thing is this - the other day my 5 year old was quite rude and cheeky to my Mum. She didn't like it, so told ME off for his attitude, saying he must have learned it from me! This is the woman who has let him say and do whatever he likes for years without ever telling him off, so no wonder he thinks he can get away with it!

I get upset too when he says he wants to live with them. Sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I can't, but then I always regret it afterwards. Good relationships with grandparents are precious, so on balance it's worth the stress. But it's not easy.

I think in these situations it would be a good idea to draw a line between a GP/GC relationship and childminding.
If the situation is deteriorating to this level then the child/ren should go to a nursery or childminder and they should see their grandparents purely as much-loved family.
Unless of course, the GPs would listen to reason...

All very comforting to know it seems relatively normal. It does hurt, though.

Nanny - I don't actually agree that that is the answer. However, dd starts school in September, so that will change things somewhat.

I agree with nanny. For regular care you want it to be done your way, with basic boundaries, manners, house rules etc as you do. Children need consistency more than anything, so if they are being looked after several times a week by gp's who let them leave toys lying around, eat unsuitable foods , speak disrespectfully and not stick to routines, then it's not really fair to the child, it confuses them. All of the above things are ok as occasional things (well not being disrespectful - thats never ok) but as regular care, it's too inconsistent. I agree with others that its very hard for gp's NOT to be the fun ones who treat their grandkids, which is why gp's and
Child minding rarely mix

Dd1 once told me she would rather phone childline and live with them. The people from childline would not make her learn her spellings while her friends were playing out . I explained that SIL is a foster carer, so if Childline did come for her they would take her to SIL who would most definitely make her learn her spellings

It's perfectly normal. I try and just laugh it off most times, but it can sting sometimes.

Yes I agree totally normal for kids to say at certain times that they want to live with someone else, or that they will phone childline or that they hate you! But I do think I a child is in a situation several times A week where the rules are very different , specially from 9 months old like op, it makes it harder for the child to know which boundaries to accept

I can remember my nephew aged 3 telling his mum, "you're not my best friend anymore, sims is." He is now 18 and I'm lucky to get a hello out of him when I see him.

My niece, between the ages of 4 and 7, would cry for me each time I visited then left her house. She's now 10 and still fond of me but too busy with sleepovers, dancing, drama and friends to want to see me too often these days.

It is normal and it will pass.

Your Mum is your DD's grandmother, it's not her job to be strict with your DD, it's her job to be a grandparent and do more 'extraordinary' things. Of course your DD wants to live with her gran, her gran doesn't discipline her and lets her do pretty much what she wants.

Your DD needs to learn boundaries, to be parented. That's your job, not your Mum's.

The dynamic has been changed... you've arranged things to fit in with your work and that's understandable BUT you can't impose a parenting role on your Mum to her grandchild, that's unfair. Your Mum is already making sacrifices for you, her grandparent role has been blurred and instead of being a source of surprise and 'rarerity', she is now a scheduled childcarer. :(

Sorry, OP, but you did ask. I feel really strongly about this although I understand that it's difficult for families nowadays with so many calls on time and money.

Yes lying, you have said what I meant but much better!
I don't think its about side lining the gp's or making anyone feel bad, its about being fair to everyone , your parents and your daughter included. It is almost like asking your parents to go against the grandparent grain, to expect them to instil the sort of discipline you want. They have done that with parenting their own children and should now just get the fun of being granparents

I do agree with many of the posters, but -
As a grandparent, I want to have a really good relationship with my GCs, but not at the expense of the relationship between the GCs and their parents and the parents with me.
Whilst I can (and do) spoil them when I can, if the parents have rules then it is my job to uphold and support them, not defy them.

I remember my niece saying she wanted to stay with Grandad, it was because he fed her ice lollies for breakfast if she asked. Grandparents are there to be fun and get to do things which parents won't experience until they themselves are grandparents. Dd is 11 and hard work and we've already spoken to the inlaws about the day she packs her bags and heads round to the inlaws.

My inlaws are quite strict with the children but only when they need it. Dd was very surprised when she was rude to Grandad and he told her off. I do think grandparents deserve respect and should say if something is not acceptable.

DD has told her godmother she would rather live with her but I reckon she would last a night.

When I worked, my mum and dad looked after DS. It is possible to be a loving and indulgent GP and support the parents when it comes to basic rules. My DS had a fab time with my mum, she took him to the park and playgroups and did all the craft stuff etc, but she still corrected his behaviour if he was rude. If he wanted to do something that I wouldn't have allowed, she simply said no, so that we were consistent in our approach. DS still loved going there.

He is 14 now and still loves going to their house (as do his brothers and sister). They still give him lots of treats, but they do also still say no to things. It hasn't impacted negatively on the relationship and they love my parents as much as they love my MIL, who never says no to anything.

So OP, in your shoes I would talk to my mum and agree some basic rules that suit you both. I'm sure that your mum wouldn't want you feel this way. You could ell her what DD said and that it upset you. I'm sure she would want to help you put that right.

Lying - we'll have to agree to disagree. My mum looks after them 2 days a week, she offered to go pt when I was pg and I constantly tell her that we can change the arrangement whenever she wants to. I don't want her to 'parent' them, I want her to expect that they treat her with respect, and reinforce that whether I'm there or not.

I suppose it's two issues, really. The discipline and the fact that the lack of discipline, or rules of any description are not enforced. I wouldn't expect my mum to let dd walk all over her whether she assumes some of the childcare or not.

I agree your children shouldn't disrespect her whether she provides regular childcare or not. That's basic manners.
But I think it's very hard on gp's who provide regular care to enforce the boundaries. My parents spoil my ds's rotten and when they have them for the day they find it very hard to say no. Eg if they are out and ds's ask for sweets etc my parents would be very likely to give in, also being bit too flexible about tidying away, bed times etc. I think its a mixture of having more money and time and just the fact that being a gp is different from being a parent. My parents would never have bought me' and my sisters sweets whenever we were out when we were little, and my dad was quite a disciplinarian over bed times etc, so it is interesting to see how they feel they have a different role now. It is not a big problem for us because we usually see my parents as a family at the weekend, or occasionally one of the ds's will stay over, or I may ask gp's to babysit, so i go on the principle that occasional treats and bending of rules wont hurt. However I would feel very differently if this was a regular weekly thing and I think you will
Need to have a very honest talk with your parents about how you want them to change

It is hard, yes. Not really been a problem, it just seems that dd is full of attitude these days, and I'm keen that we are all sending the same message as regards it.

I see why you were upset pink - but I think you need to take the long view here.
Some of your DD's behaviour is because she is three - not necessarily the indulgence she gets from your parents. With DS, I found three and four to be THE most challenging ages - they're more headstrong, more determined, more verbal and thus more able with the 'attitude'.
I really think that as your kids get past the pre school years this problem will diminish; they clearly have good boundaries with you, and full time school also teaches them HUGE amounts about social skills and appropriate ways of talking to others. This will give them the strong foundation they need, and one or two days a week's indulgence won't ruin that. Have faith that the parental influence is stronger than any other.
With her attitude, I would try not to fight battles that you won't get support with; in other words, if she is rude at home, you deal with that. If she is rude to her grandparents in front of you, simply tell her you'll have to take her home if she can't talk to them properly but don't put too much effort in if you don't think they'll back you up.
Get through the next year, and I think you'll find things naturally improved as your DD gets older.

hi Pink Jenny
I totally understand how you are feeling, i have a 2 half year old (3 in july) she is so independent and is very good at communicating, she is very able to say how she is feeling etc. My little girl absoloutely adores my mum, i work 4 days per week and i feel like im mising out, my mum does all the fun stuff with her, never tells her of and always comes back from a sleepover exhaused and really naughty for us! my partner works nights so when we are together we like to enjoy our time, we also went to disney show on sat,however little one ended up having a huge temper tantrum(which are new) as i wouldnt buy her the £14 flasing toy!i often feel that my ma undermines what i say to her and if i say no to example her not having sweets before teatime, mam will give her them anyway,its got to the point my mam can often phone daily (more than once even when she sbeen with them all day) to see what we are up to! i feel like im the second parent and my own daughter doesnt love me as much as her grandparents,it breaks my heart! im so glad i have found this site tonight, little one has been at farm with myself anfd fella today, she was very good for daddy but just spent most of the day hitting me, then when i ws telling her of, she kept just crying and then wanting to be cuddled by me! im hoping this is normal and she is just expressing herself? i love my little girl more than anything and wish i could give her more time x