To think my friend was being a bitch

[didshereallysaythat]

I have just got in from my first night out since having dd nearly 5 months ago and I am not sure what to think after the way my friend reacted to a comment from some bloke. I'm really upset and have actually cut the night short as a result but not sure whether I'm being silly. Have name-changed as I'm a regular but feel a bit embarrassed about this.

Anyway, to give a bit of background friend is a fair but older than me but pretty, slim and, tbf, far more intersted in clothes, make-up etc than I am. I usually feel pretty happy with how I look, though I do admit I haven't lost all my baby weight yet. I had looked forward to tonight for ages and spent a fair while getting ready, though I did have to rush a it as dd likes to take her time over bedtime feed . Thought I looked ok though and dh seemed to think so .

Anyway, we had a few and then decided to go back to my friend's for a few more as it was so quiet (why did I choose Easter Sunday for my first night out post-baby?). We were waiting for her dh to pick us up and this man came up and said, smarmily imo, "Hi, ladies, oh no I suppose you're both married?" So far so corny, right? He then did a double-take and said to her "Oh no, don't tell me, you're married and she's the sister-in-law," to which my friend giggled ridiculously and confirmed her marriage and he walked off. I felt like a total lump . She then started gushing on about how nice he'd been while I'm thinking, "No, he implied I was too hideous to ever be married!"

Her dh turned up and she retold the whole thing, word for word. I think her dh seemed a bit taken aback as he didn't laugh or say much and seemed a bit unsure of what to say. I just felt lower and lower on the way home and got her dh to bring me straight back as I didn't feel like carrying the night on anymore .

Anyway, I may be still hormonal after having dd, and have had a few that I'm not used to anymore but, still, she was a bit mean, no?

YANBU.

She couldn't help that the guy was a twat but she could help sucking up to him. She was also hugely insensitive in repeating the story to her DH in front of you. My feeling is she is actually very insecure and therefore needs the validation.

I was once approached by some jerk who asked me if I was Cinderella as I appeared to be surrounded by the Ugly Sisters. Politeness prevents me from repeating the words I used in telling him to go away and defending my friends.

I don't get it?... what a stupid comment from the bloke; it doesn't even make sense, really!

I'm not sure how to take that. It's a weird thing to say.

Maybe he was hoping you weren't married becasue he really liked you?

Trying to make you feel better here

Sounds like she was flattered by his 'compliment', and didn't bother to stop and think how you might have felt about it, or her DH for that matter. I'd be tempted to mention it to her tomorrow - maybe call to say sorry for cutting the night short, but you were feeling a bit sensitive about his comment - and see whether she registers her part in it.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think she was excited by a possible 'compliment' and didn't actually process in her brain, what it said about you.

Although I'm baffled tbh about what the guy was actually saying ...I mean it's hardly a classic chat up line, nor is it a pithy put down.

He said you look like a SIL.

What do they look like then

YANBU - she was unpleasant towards you

Im sure you looked lovely :)

Ouch, that's an awful comment, what a bastard. I've had quite a few of these comments and it's very hurtful.
Please take comfort in that he sounds very superficial and perhaps only tries to chat up the kind of lady who'll actually look twice at him.
As for your friend, maybe she was flattered, bit drunk too and thoughtless to your feelings, as opposed to bitchy - perhaps trying to impress her dh?

Some guys make a bee-line for the woman who they think is likely to give them the most attention. Perhaps he'd been watching you for a while and her body language told him she was the one?

Guys are also known to talk to the ugly one first as they often feel intimidated by the better looking woman. You may be putting yourself down unneccesarily, it could have been you he was after. He was probably hoping he could spar with you with his crappy banter. Clearly he needs to get some new chat up lines!!!

Your friend was behaving like a person with extremely low self esteem, lapping up any possible compliment and making sure her DP knew (perhaps he's not giving her enough attention at the min?).

But I think you're reading far too much info into a casual comment from a stranger.

Do you feel that low to see it through a framework that he must have meant something negative towards you?

He did ask if you were both married to start with.

Honestly, don't overthink this.

I'm the queen of overthinking stuff people say, but even I have to stretch my imagination to take this as an insult to you

Sounds like he was negging you and she played right along with it. What a pair of twits.

Don't let it get you down. Maybe think about finding some new friends. You don't need that kind of crap in your life especially when your nights out are going to be rare treats!

Ouch! what a nasty twat

shes also behaved badly she should have at least said something in your defence. I have 'good mate until sone random bloke comes along' sort of mate.

not nice.

Have you seen A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe explains Game Theory in terms of chatting up women.

If there is a group of women together, always go for the unattractive ones. The lovely ones will probably just turn you down flat whereas the unattractive ones will be flattered and respond.

So don't feel low, just feel a bit sorry for her that a sleezey man can make her feel so much better about herself.

She sounds quite insecure and a bit nasty - tell her how she came across. As not very nice at all

I think he guessed that he'd get nowhere with you and guessed that if he flattered her that he'd get somewhere with her.

She confirmed it.

She sounds like the sort of girl we all knew when we were teenagers who, the second a boy came along, dropped her friends immediately. I'd try to make better friends, to be honest.

Messy hit the nail on the head! He went for the easy target...a smarm like he sunds will have spent time working out "lines" and tactics to get women to talk to him...he went for the one he thought he could get.

Been there, seen it.

:( how pathetic that she had to be all giggly?!

Some men say some vile stuff, once a group said to me, "I'd do you, for comic relief!" Cheeky little shit, I'm a catch!

I would have done him for any amount of money ;)

Does she have children? I had a similar experience on my first post baby night out. I didn't fit into much but was really excited about going out and seeing my friends and had spent a full week pumping to get enough for ds to eat whilst I was out. One of my very glamourous and lovely friends (who hasn't had children) decided it was appropriate to tell me that I was 'a bit frumpy these days and had let myself go a bit'. I think I was about 3 months post partum so in that really awkward nothing fits stage - I'd worked hard to find something decent to wear but wasn't going to buy something new which wouldn't have fit once I had lost the weight - and had been feeding up until the second I had to go out the door. I felt really shit but I do think that she will look back on that once she has had kids and feel ashamed of herself.

Do you think your friend might feel the same?

Pissed blokes on the pull have no sense, no charm and no wit.
I don't really understand what he was trying to say -it was random gibberish. You would need to want to find either flattery or insult in it.
The fact that she giggled is pretty sad tbh.

I would forget it. But be aware that your friend is pretty lacking in self esteem.m

I'm struggling to see why being a SIL is rude? The guy was lameass at chatting up clearly, I'd have been perplexed and asked him to explain.

I found the first night out after DD really hard and a bit daunting. Your friend was a bit idiotic in retelling the story in detail to her partner, and thus making you feel worse.

Hope you feel perked up soon

He must be single then because he acts like a wanker.
I think this says more about your friend than it does you OP. I bet you looked so good post baby she was feeling insecure and his (ridiculous) comment (which doesn't even make sense) was her way of feeling better about herself.
She doesn't seem worried about either you or her Dhs feelings. Perhaps he will mention it to her this morning.

What Tulpe said...

Also, does your friend have children or a baby? If not, I'm wondering if the reason she replayed the scenario to her husband was an attempt to raise her own value because she's envious/jealous? It's one thing to simper foolishly at what a strange man says BUT to repeat the conversation to her husband has TWO functions... Firstly, it reminds him that SHE is the prize specimen and secondly, it puts YOU firmly in 'your place' as the envied friend.

I think she envies you, OP, possibly has done for a long time and maybe the baby-glow you have has made her behave more ovretly nastily than she normally does. Oh the joys of female friendships, so.... Machiavellian.

Take heart, OP, the strange man didn't mistake you for your friend's mother or worse... but it's interesting that he picked SIL, given the dynamic they usually have. Perhaps he hoped that you were single and accordingly labelled your friend as married so that he wouldn't need to make further conversation with her. Perhaps he was just more perceptive than he appeared?

I think the man was suggesting he'd still go after your friend even if she was married, but oh no, your husband's sister is with you (hence the SIL comment), so that's out of the question. Not a slight against you.

If that's the case you are possibly a bit sensitive?