To feel so guilty & think I was a bad mother?

[jinglebelly]

I had DS when I was 24. My relationship had broken down so I was staying with my mum, she told me if I kept the baby I would have to leave. I kept DS but spent the whole pregnancy alone as I didn't see my mum, DP and I had split up and all my friends were busy partying. I lost a lot of confidence but was very positive about the baby. When DS was born we were very happy but I was lonely and found it hard being a mum, I didn't know many other mums as they all seemed older than me and quite well off. DS used to cry a lot and I longed for a social life we had no money at all and didn't get out much, I often felt like I wanted to be away from him. I met DH when DS was a year old and we now have two more DC's but I can't help feel guilty about DS's early years, infact it wracks me with guilt. AIBU?

You are being too hard on yourself, you done the best you could in teh situation you were in, your child will never know the hardships of that first year only you will.

Be positive you are in a better place now, it is hard when you are alone with a baby.

Er, yes you are (being unreasonable, that is).
Being a new mother is isolating enough. In your circumstances I can only imagine it must have been doubly so. The fact that you say you were both happy - to me it sounds like you managed very well.
Most new mothers find it hard in some way. It's nothing to feel guilty about.

You have done nothing to feel guilty about as far as I can see.:)

fwiw I was nearly 10 years older than you when I had my first baby; I was living with my (nice) dh in our own home.

However, like you I lost a lot of confidence and didn't get out much etc. Your feelings and experiences may have been partly to adjusting to being a new mother and not just your social circumstances.

If you are really preoccupied with this first year, and struggle to move on, ask your GP about counselling.

You are not a bad mother, your mother is.

Many people in many situations struggle with being a mum for the first time.

Don't look back, look forward, you may worry but I am sure your son doesn't.

You sound a wonderful mum and most mums are wracked with guilt of some sort. You chose your baby in difficult circumstances and were happy. I have everything (husband, friends and nice home etc) but have struggled so much with everything and so im in awe with how you managed. dont beat ypurself up and keep on loving your children. big hugs xxxxx

We all learn as we go along - really very little of parenting is instinctive. I know I was/am a much better parent to DC4 than I was with DC1 - I was young and self-absorbed and unhappy and all sorts of shit when he was born. But he was always loved and cared for, and he's a happy, secure adult now. Your DS will be fine too. As long as they're loved, they're fine.

You're not a bad mum, or need to feel guilty any more jingle.

Are you listening??

They're bloody hard work and you have to have some switch off time at some point, that's no reflection of the love you have for your son.

Leave the past where it belongs and concentrate on the lovely family you sound to have now.

Thanks for your kind words & support, it's opened my eyes to the situation!

Just wanted to say please don't feel guilty. You are not a bad Mum.

Totally agree with Hassled. That sounds like how I was.

Your OP has reminded me of my first born. I had her when I was 21 and 6 wks before she was born I had to go into homeless accomodation and move into a new horrible flat when she was just a few weeks old. I was all on my own and it took me months and months to get any decorating done. For the first few weeks we stayed there I slept on the couch with her beside me on her rocker chair which laid right back thankfully. No carpets and all my stuff in boxes for weeks and weeks.
But had no money, I had to go back to work when she was 6 weeks old for some income and it was so hard going that I felt so down a lot of the time.
I felt I was letting her down and I missed the whole early bonding experience through the total stress and worry.

Her dad was completely out of the picture since I moved to homeless and he took nothing to do with us either. My own family could only do so much and I felt that my daughter suffered a lot. Looking back I think I tried the best I could under such difficult circumstances but I still feel awful at times even though I KNOW she DIDN'T suffer and she's such a happy well balanced child that I must have done something right.
My DP came along when she was 18 months and we now have 2 children ontop of my daughter and he treats her like his own.
She's never wanted for anything either and I do have the feelings you talk about from time to time but I push them away because I can't change the past

Jinglebelly - please don't beat yourself up as it does no good and won't help. You've done great and you deserve to forget these feelings and let it go x

jinglebelly,
I honestly dont know any mums who have not gone through a difficult patch in their parenting. I had antenatal depression while pregnant with DC3, and my marriage broke down shortly after she was born. I did feel very guilty but an gradually giving myself a break .

You must be a good parent or you just wouldnt care. Try not to feel bad...you've done your best in the circumstances you were in, that's all any of us can do.

Not very mumsnet hugs (())

Look at it this way, do you remember every single thing from your early childhood? No of course not. Your child is safe and loved and even if the start was tough you gave it your best shot. Life can be really unforgiving but you can forgive yourself. Look forward. Good luck x

I think you should try to remember as many lovely things about his first year as you can and tell him about them, too. Just little things, like you remember coming into the room one time and he just gave you the most enormous beam, or how lovely he smelt when he lay on you, or how you fell in love with him at first sight and that you hadn't thought that possible.

I feel guilty about the first couple of years of my son's life - I had PND and my ex was carrying on with someone. I was unaware of that intellectually but I think I'd picked it up, because I just felt awful the whole time. I made a decision to do the above with my son - it made such a difference. I didn't dwell on anything bad at all, just thought about the lovely times and each time, told him.