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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Re DC's and Grandparents visits?

5 replies

MittzyTheMinx · 24/04/2011 20:06

My Mum is lovely, but my Dad is odd, tends to be all or nothing with the children, DD 8 and DS 13.
We don't see all that much of them and I have reduced visits because my Dad is getting odder (very recent) and had been quite inappropriate with DS especially. Using language and saying things that are quite Hmm.
But the DC's at the moment still love seeing them when they do.

My MIL (Nana) . Biscuit. I have found very hard work, she often makes DD cry, mocking her, she winds them up and also, more importantly, (despite the break up of mine and DC's Dad's relationship being as a result of EA, and things being very complicated with DS, due to his messy relationship with drink), has consistantly brought him Alcohol and made a point of giving it to them in front of the DC's Sad.

The kids hate going to see her and a visit was arranged this weekend which initially they agreed to when talking to their Dad, but voiced to me that they really don't want to go. I told their Dad and he was annoyed, but didn't insist.

It has just come up and Ex resents that the kids will see my parents but don't like seeing his Mum. He raised the fact that DS used to complain that He and my Dad used to talk a lot (to the exclusion of almost any of us) when we all used to visit to the point that my Dad rarely interacted with the DC's. He asked why they will see my folks after this but not his Mum.

I wouldn't see my Dad at all if it weren't for my Mum, he as an abusive, manipulative, control freak which as of yet the DC's haven't really seen. It is directed towards women Sad. I have already limited the DC's contact with him because of his unpredictability.

My thoughts are that they should have the choice to a great extent. And that the experience of GP's should mostly be pleasurable and fun, and insisting that they see someone who has consistantly made them unhappy is just wrong.

I don't influence the DC's re their Nana, I believe it is their choice, and despite them wanting to see my parents at the moment, if my Dad continues to deteriorate further, I would reduce their contact to keep it as positive as possible.

This came off the back of another 'heated discussion' where Ex had decided when he wanted to see the Kids this week as he has time off and I suggested an alternative (I am still working this week). He said 'no', when I questioned why he simply said 'because I said not'. I said I thought these things should be dealt with through negotiation and compromise so he walked away from me.

Actually I am a bit pissed off. Needed a rant.

He said IABU and he is not being given choices. I asked him to tell me what he meant because if I am being unfair, I need to address that, but he wouldn't, but said 'things were stacking up'. When I suggested we used a baby sitter to try and talk properly he said he didn't want to.

OP posts:
Northeastgirl · 24/04/2011 20:43

I think issues with your ex should be separated from issues between your children and their grandchildren. Perhaps your ex could take the children to see his Mum when they are with him?

MittzyTheMinx · 24/04/2011 21:16

The children don't want to go and see her. He had arranged to go during his time with them, but they both told me they didn't want to go. DS feels especially strongly.
I told him they had expressed this and he was annoyed. I don't say they 'can't' go but I don't know what to do. If he insists, they come back upset and DS refuses outright to see her again. Ex then 'beseeches' them to go because she is 'old and doesn't always think what she says - she can be a little bit 'naughty' 'Hmm

On the one hand, it is not my place to interfere with the contact he has with his family when the DC's are with him, but on the other, they really don't find her easy and she is, despite her age, capable of being quite vindictive and unkind. When they tell me they don't want to go I don't know what to do. Insist they make their Dad happy?

[glum] and fed up...

OP posts:
EasterIgg · 24/04/2011 21:55

The MIL isn't doing her son much good with that behaviour, is she? Making an 8 year old cry and encouraging her son to drink, she can't be that surprised they don't want to see her.
I think ex's piggishness is down to him not feeling in control? He can't make the DCs do what he wants, so is giving you grief instead.
As it's clear you aren't painting your own parents in any rosy light, surely he should be able to see the children really don't enjoy visits to his mum? Oh dear.
I don't know if there is an amount of visits to her your DCs could tolerate - 3 times a year or something? Might be easier if they knew each time it would be a very rare occurence. Though a shame they have to see her at all.

FabbyChic · 24/04/2011 22:09

Tell your ex that your children are old enough to decide for themselves whom they want to see, and if they don't want to see his parents then that is their choice.

MittzyTheMinx · 24/04/2011 22:47

I sort of did Fabby, but he is p'd off that for whatever reason they still choose to see my parents.

He is hard work at the moment, even though most of our contact is re the kids.

He is/was very controlling Igg and I think the fact that I am trying to stand my ground is making him a bit arsey. I am not (I think) naturally confrontational so although I have learnt not to just acquiesce, internally I find it really stressful Sad.

Their visits are limited now and probably about 3 times a year, and I go over as part of the deal with the DC's. I think ExMiL AND eX they think I am somehow influencing the dc'S but it just isn't my style.
I would love it if she was a lovely lady who enriched their lives. She just isn't. Sad

I have seen my DSS's this weekend which always upsets me. They are lovely and DSS2 especially seems torn.

Sometimes I hate the hurdles that life throws at me.

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