Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to feel sad for my dd - who doesn't seem bothered?

25 replies

tryingtoimprove · 24/04/2011 15:45

I have a 14 year old dd, who as a younger child was always very popular, would be out playing with school friends, or neighbours.

Now for unknown reason to me, she doesn't "play" hang out with anyone.

Take this Easter break 2.5 weeks she's been home - 1 week of that she was away at camp, but the rest of the time, she's not had any friends over, she's not gone to anyone else's house, she's not gone to hang out with them at the shops/park etc. I've encouraged her to invite friends over, I've suggested outings out that we'll pay. She's not done anything.

As a family we've gone out, and she's been fantastic with her younger siblings.

I just feel so very sad that she's not out hanging out with her own friends :(

OP posts:

Baileysismyfriend · 24/04/2011 15:48

I have a 12 year old dd and worry about this sort of thing too. I have found that it goes through phases and she wont be out much and then all of a sudden be out loads with friends and I wonder why I ever worried about it.

How long has it been for? What does she say when you suggest having someone over? Does she talk about friends when telling you about her school day?

Original poster

tryingtoimprove · 24/04/2011 15:55

It's been since September - October half term was busy so didn't notice it, Christmas was Christmas which can always be difficult to see friends, February was quiet and saw noone, and now we're at Easter.

She doesn't see people during the week, uses homework/tiredness etc as the excuse.

If I ask, she makes all the 'right' noises, yeah I'll ask I'll see what's going on etc, then when I say anything happening, she says 'I couldn't be bothered haven't done anything about it'.

At school she's in a group of about 8. She'll tell me about falling outs that others have had in the group, but rarely about any she's had herself.

OP posts:

Baileysismyfriend · 24/04/2011 16:00

Are the other girls doing much do you think? It could be that none of them are doing much, they could have hobbies etc that take up time. She could be tired, does she lack energy generally?

cory · 24/04/2011 16:00

Is she missing it?

At this age, I had decided that I didn't really have anything in common with the other teens at school: we were friendly and pleasant during school/break times but I would have been horrendously bored if I'd had to hang out with them in the holidays. There was no way they would have changed to accommodate me, so socialising would just have meant pretending I was somebody different. My own family were far more fun for what I wanted. And a lot of the things I wanted to do at that age were solitary things, anyway. I had a great time once I got to uni and found people who were more like me: I don't think I got home before midnight for the next seven years

Original poster

tryingtoimprove · 24/04/2011 16:04

I don't know if they are or not. I do keep seeing groups of teenagers out and about though, and feel sad that my dd's not out with them.

Although I have to say cory's post gives me hope - thanks cory

She's quieter than the she used to be (my friends/grandparents have commented on this as well), but she's got lots of energy and is bounding round the place. Currently she's outside decorating eggs.

OP posts:

zikes · 24/04/2011 16:09

Is she unhappy about it (or is it you?)

Maybe she gets enough of her friends at school at the moment and not seeing anyone is more about her wanting space than not getting along with them? It may be she's just going through a quiet stage.

I'd definitely ask if she's being bullied or having problems, but it may just be that she's not fussed on seeing them and genuinely isn't bothered. If she's happy with her own (and family's) company, that's not a bad thing. Loners aren't necessarily unhappy.

Baileysismyfriend · 24/04/2011 16:10

Im sure its nothing to worry about, I remember when my DD was allowed to have a couple of friends stay over and she went through her closest friends trying to decide and was saying 'not her shes boring', 'na, shes really annoying' and she couldnt think of one she actually wanted to spend time with, it baffled me at the time as these are meant to be her friends but it sounds like its the way kids are sometimes!

Original poster

tryingtoimprove · 24/04/2011 16:13

It is me - I think.

I would understand better if she hadn't been such a social butterfly previoulsy, now she's gone to nothing. But that maybe not what she wants at this stage in her life.

She is lovely round the house. And gets on so well with her siblings.

OP posts:

Teladi · 24/04/2011 16:20

Like cory, I was like this as a teen. Please don't force her to call anyone or anything like that. I still resent my mum doing that, she wasn't nice about it like you are - I felt like I wasn't welcome in my own house. If your DD seems happy enough, she probably is! Back then, I liked just hanging out by myself, reading books and playing computer games. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it was mine. If she is like me, you are right about this being a stage in her life. I was very social by the time I went to university. :) These days I have friends but still like reading books and playing computer games!

You sound lovely, by the way, it is sweet that you care.

exoticfruits · 24/04/2011 16:30

I was like it as a teen-the worst thing in the world would have been my mother drawing attention to it or 'encouraging' me. I got a nice circle of friends at university.
My DS was similar, vey happy go lucky, made friends easily and at about 14 it was almost as if a light switched off. My reasoning is that if he could do it when younger he still has it within him to do it again. I just found the teen years really difficult and hated them-I think he takes after me. He has friends-just never initiates anything.

Shodan · 24/04/2011 16:30

If it's any help, ds1 (15) doesn't seem to want to see his friends much in the holidays. He sees them a lot during term time- always at least one here, or they're off playing tennis, or something, but not in the holidays.

Like you, I fret about it occasionally but he says there's nothing wrong and that he's fine. I think it's just that he can't be bothered to get out there!

frgr · 24/04/2011 16:39

these things go in phases, it could be that she's sort of out grown some of her friends at school and is inbetween circles (this happened to me about 12 or 14 for a couple of years - i just wasn't interested in going out shagging older boys, and when my long term friends went through that stage i stepped back a little bit - much to my parents relief!)

i wouldn't be concerned unless she's generally withdrawn (but what you said about sibilings etc doesn't tally with that) or she's clearly unhappy - so YABU but you are NBU to look out for her - that's entirely normal!

Danthe4th · 24/04/2011 16:45

Does she have facebook and a mobile, as if she doesn't its hard to stay in contact with friends over the hols.

blackcurrants · 24/04/2011 16:58

I was like this, OP. I had plenty of friends and was happy at school, I liked my school friends well enough, but preferred to hang around at home during the holidays. I liked my family, and doing stuff at home, with my siblings, reading, etc.

I noticed it at my wedding - there were only 2 friends I've kept in touch with in the 15-odd years since I left secondary school, and about 100 from university and various jobs and hobbies since then. I suppose I made my 'real' friends at Uni, people I had more in common with than just "we have to be in the same place for 8 hours every day, five times a week."

I've got plenty of friends now, and like to socialise - but DH and I are homebodies too - xbox, reading, forums - watching films together - I like it, it's cosy :)

JustCallMeGrouchy · 24/04/2011 17:06

ds2 is like this same age to.Does have friends etc but is really not bothered about seeing them and enjoys time as a family and helps with his younger siblings

Tryharder · 24/04/2011 17:10

I don't remember hanging out with friends much at this age, really. It's a difficult age. Too old for youth clubs and organised kid's activities and too young for "going out".

I think also at this age, there is such pressure to act and be a certain way and put on a front for your peers that it is sometimes nicer to stay with your family and just be yourself!

PhishFoodAddiction · 24/04/2011 17:14

I went through similar around age 14- I'd had a massive falling out with my friends and this ended up with most of the class not speaking to me. I spent the whole summer holidays at home. I didn't tell my mum that I'd had this falling out.

I'm not saying this has happened to your DD, but may be worth bearing in mind.

Hopefully it's nothing like that and she just enjoys her own company and that of her family.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 24/04/2011 17:22

Like others o this thread, I was happy at home...from about 13 onwards I was too busy reading etc.

Dont worry! She sounds fine!My Mum was always saying things like "Have you fallen out with your friends?" and it made me feel bad that she was worried about me! I was fine!

sleepingsowell · 24/04/2011 18:15

cor blimey I'd say lighten up! She had a whole WEEK of other people, now she's having a lovely family week.
It's very normal imo for kids this age to not hang out in holidays/after school. Some do, some don't and both are fine so long as the child is happy with it. She spends her life with other kids, and her evenings and weekends are home time. Sounds great to me.
You can almost guarantee that in 3 or 4 (at the most!) years time, she will be out most of the time. I'd enjoy this time and make the most of her wanting to be at home and being so lovely with her siblings.

LLKH · 24/04/2011 18:54

I was like cory and teladi. The highlight of my holidays was my everyday solitary walk to the public library to return and replace the books I'd read the day before.
And now that I'm a SAHM with a nearly five month old DD, I still do that walk but it is no longer solitary as I push a buggy.

exoticfruits · 24/04/2011 19:05

I loved the rest of the holidays-my top excitement was the local library-I was just happy to curl up with a book.

ib · 24/04/2011 19:13

My mum was the same as you - always wondering why I wasn't socialising more.

Truth is, I just didn't want to. If something was arranged for me I was happy enough to go along, if it wasn't I'd stay in and read a book.

I'm still kind of like that tbh - I enjoy my own company so something has to be really worth doing to make me give up some 'alone' time.

My mum still doesn't quite get it (she's a real socialite).

cherrypez · 24/04/2011 19:20

My 14 yo doesnt leave the house for days at a time in the hols... she isnt interested in going ouit unless its to do something interesting,(shopping, cinema) doesnt like 'hanging out', and her friends are the same. I am really glad she is like this, I work in a secondary school and the stories of what goes on when teens 'hang out' make my hair curl! And u r very lucky she gets on so well with her siblings too.

schoolchauffeur · 24/04/2011 22:43

My DD nearly 16 was very like this when she was around 13-14. Even now she is as happy at home with us- has lots of hobbies likes music instruments, jewellery making, pets, cooking. Seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with us as a family. In a three week holiday she has been to town once with friends, visited one friend for 3 hours and then we had a friend staying here for 2 nights but only because her parents were away for work, not because DD especially wanted it. she is very happy in her own company and gets quite worn out being with big groups of people. We encourage her to arrange social events, offer money so she can afford to go into town, have lunch et, but mostly she is just not bothered. She seems genuinely happy so I have stopped worrying. Maybe your DD is the same OP.

Maryz · 24/04/2011 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread