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Original poster

DH says my pregnancy is a sick joke

61 replies

nineweeksandcounting · 24/04/2011 14:53

Don't know if this is even the right place to post.

I posted before about problems with ILs but the real problem is my DH.

We've been together for 8 years after I had been a single mum to DD 14, whose dad was violent, abusive and beat me up during my pregnancy. I left him when she was a baby and when I met DH at first it seemed that I had met my knight in shining armour.

After we got married it slowly became clear that he was not the right man for me.

He's nothing like as bad as DD's father.He's not violent or abusive, he's just ... nasty to me, and makes me feel horrible every single day. He once told me that he is a nice guy, but there's something about me that makes men nasty, and when I said that I wished I could leave him and find someone else he said I would just turn them nasty too.

He never listens to me, is always too busy to speak to me, and is always pointing out my faults and how great a husband he is and what a lazy useless wife I am.

I am 9 weeks pg with unplanned baby. We are already in dire straits. We also have DS of 20 months and DSD of 12 years. DH is about to be unemployed and we are already crammed into tiny house with no money to move to bigger house. There is no room for the new baby. Please don't flame me and say I should have been more careful, it was a one off mistake. I really want this baby though and I know I will love him or her so much, and that somehow we will find a way.

DH and DD can't stand each other. They have just had yet another hideous shouting match. DH said he can't take any more and hates his awful life. No more than I hate mine. I was crying and he just said that our lives were a fucking nightmare already but with this pregnancy things have turned into a sick joke. That there's no way we can have another baby. I said, maybe I'll have another miscarriage (I had one a few years ago) and I could see by the look on his face part of him wished for that.

I wish I could leave him. I wish I never had to look at him again and feel the way he makes me feel - like an awful, difficult, woman who has ruined his life. I can't, though. We have no money to run one household, and I can't consign my DS and future unborn baby to a life split between two homes. DSD has had this all her childhood and she has hated it and had to see a psychologist at one point. I know it can work for some families. But then I think that DD is being subjected to this man who hates her. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying.I don't know how my life turned out this way. I am 37 and too old to start again.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 24/04/2011 14:56

It sounds like a hu gemess and I think you'd be better off on your own with your kids. I'd rather be completely broke than in your situation.

HairyBeaver · 24/04/2011 14:58

His a bully and abusing you. GET OUT NOW!! Go to CAB and seek help with council housing/benifits/emotional support. Dont bring another child into this world with this man showing your kids that treating people like this is acceptable!

hanaka88 · 24/04/2011 14:59

Oh no that sounds so so awful. You are NOT too old to start again. Not the same situation but my mum had 2 kids, relationhip broke down, then had another and relationship broke down at 37.

After a lot of horrible men she is now remarried to the most lovely man in the world! We all love him. She struggled, had numerous restarts but eventually life just sorted itself out.

Don't give up hope ever

I was once with a man who told me I jut turned men nasty. I got rid, my DP is now so lovely it's unreal (although a bit lazy, but we can't have it all)

Prolesworth · 24/04/2011 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

littlepigshavebigears · 24/04/2011 15:00

You poor, poor thing Sad

You aren't turning him nasty. That's crap. You have just had the shit luck to end up in a relationship with another selfish controlling pig, IMO.

Is there ANY way you can see to make a life work for yourself and your children without him? Because from what you've posted (and I know it isn't much) a split is what needs to happen, for all of your sakes.

I see your worry about the children going through a split and your DSD having suffered trauma after her parents divorced - but trust me, there are just as many fucked-up people seeing counsellors and trying to put their lives back together after growing up in a toxic, unhappy home with parents who DIDN'T split.

This is not your fault. I am furious on your behalf that he has made you feel this way about your pregnancy. Hold on to what you've said in your OP - you will love this baby - that is 99% of what he/she will need to thrive. Life is rarely perfect, it won't be ideal being in a split family, you don't have much money or space - but people all over the world grow up in less than ideal practical circumstances and most of us are fine. This arsehole has made you feel as though you can't provide what your child needs to thrive. He's wrong.

Sorry my advice is rambly and not very practical - am sure others with more ideas will be along soon x

princessparty · 24/04/2011 15:01

You need to get this man out of your life.he is dragging you down and you are getting to the stage where you believe the preposterous things he is spouting.
Why would you want to be with a man who hates your DD and doesn't want your new baby his own flesh and blood and is nasty to you.You are very low at the moment and not thinking staight. You can build a life and a better life without him

lubeybooby · 24/04/2011 15:03

"You aren't turning him nasty. That's crap. You have just had the shit luck to end up in a relationship with another selfish controlling pig"

What littlepigshavebigears said ^^^ never a truer word spoken.

.

OP, please speak to womens aid ASAP and tell them everything. They will help you more than you could imagine.

thumbbunny · 24/04/2011 15:04

You need to take control of your life - only you can change things for the better.
If you can't stand your H and he can't stand you or your DD, WTF are you still doing in the same place, causing each other misery? Surely he must know someone who's prepared to put him up for a bit?

Sounds like he's been emotionally abusing you for years and you don't know who you are any more.

When you say at 37 that you are "too old to start again" - what do you mean? start another relationship? Why bother? You have 2 children and another on the way - focus on bringing them up for a while. They'll be far happier with just one parent most of the time than if they live in an atmosphere of hate and resentment when you're both there.

So you didn't get the fairytale ending - that's because it's a rarity. However - there is no need for you to stay with a shitty man - no man is a far better prospect than hangning onto a shitty man rather than being alone.

Get rid of him -get financial and legal advice and Get Shot Of Him.

Herthatwas · 24/04/2011 15:08

You are not too old to start again- even if you were 100 you would not be too old as this is no way to live. I got out of my AR when I was 40 and however tough it was its was a BREEZE compared to living on a knife edge of someone else's moods,
There is help available as other posters have said. And if you want to email me privately that is okay. I'd be glad to help like I was helped.

dreamingbohemian · 24/04/2011 15:25

Please, please try to find some help and find a way to leave.

You CAN leave. It may be difficult but you CAN. Try to focus on how much better you will all be without this man and just try to get through this difficult bit to get there.

Kids don't care if you have no money and live in a tiny house (I know from experience) -- they do care if they are forced to live with an awful, abusive man.

Keep talking, you will get lots of advice here. I'm so sorry you are going through this

blackeyedsusan · 24/04/2011 15:58

you are 37, are you going to spend the next 40 years with him? (or more)

you are not too old to start again. you can do it. you feel like you can't because it is difficult to see anything but now. (oh and i know that feeling!)

talk to a few people and find out some information. you may feel better when you know a bit more.

squeakytoy · 24/04/2011 16:36

I am going to be blunt here. Your daughter should be coming first. Not this man.

She deserves a life free from being forced to live with an abusive man who openly despises her. You are the only person in her life who can sort this out, and you really do have to do it.

You will cope, and you will be fine, without him. Your daughter is old enough to help with her siblings, and living a peaceful life with not much money is much better for all of you than treading on eggshells and being verbally abused.

Do it for her. :)

CheshireDing · 24/04/2011 16:40

Like Hairy said talked to CAB, I am sure with a small child and baby on the way you would be entitled to some sort of housing.

You will never meet someone new either whilst in this current relationship, get out ,!

OldBagWantsNewBag · 24/04/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernGobshite · 24/04/2011 16:52

Your age is irelevant. The happiness of you and your children is what is important. Your husband sounds like a dick; just because he's "not as bad" as your first husband doesn't mean you should settle.

I don't know what your housing situation is but kick him out and concentrate on your children, your bumo and you. Good luck xx

moondog · 24/04/2011 16:55

It sounds utterly horrendous.
I am however wondering why you were having sex (unprotected?) with such a vile person in the first place?

FabbyChic · 24/04/2011 16:57

He is emotionally abusing you.

YOu need to get out of the relationship and fast

Im not sure what you can do about the pregnancy you say you want the child but it appears it is going to be at the cost of your marriage. Which I feel will be no great loss.

aliceliddell · 24/04/2011 17:00

The thing is : there is NOTHING about you that makes men nasty! It's not you- it's him. This man sounds like a total jerk. At 37, you're not too old to start again, There are loads of women, inc. me, who met dp's older when than you, started new careers, had babies, learnt to drive, all sorts of stuff. You don't need the grief. Get rid of this idiot! You'll be fine. He'll be alone.

Tryharder · 24/04/2011 17:06

You wrote that "I wished I could leave him and find someone else". That, to me, speaks volumes. Perhaps you come across as desperate for a man/relationship and thus overly willing to please which is generally a bully-magnet.

I am truly sorry that you feel so awful. I'm not going to say, oh leave him as life isn't always so simple but I hope you are able to speak to professionals who can help you find a way through the maze so to speak.

Just some things to think about which arose from your post:

You say he and your DD hate each other. She's 14 and would probably be having screaming rows with her natural father if you were living with him so that really has to be taken into consideration. Also the things he is saying such as his life is awful etc etc, - is that something said out of anger/sadness as the result of one row or how he genuinely feels day-to-day.

Good luck with whatever you decide. xx

zikes · 24/04/2011 17:07

You might want to post in 'relationships' as well.

While this guy may not be physically abusive, he is abusive emotionally. Such guys often start out seeming marvellous, shining knights and sweeping you off your feet, but that's just to get you hooked.

It floats his boat to make you feel rubbish and worthless. You need to get out and get your children out, especially your older dd. What you are showing her as a couple is what she will think is normal in relationships, and is this kind of life what you want for her? Being treated like crap?

minibmw2010 · 24/04/2011 17:10

Why is your focus on leaving him and "finding someone else". What is wrong with just being yourself, with your children and focussing your energies on them? I think your DD needs some of your time, without any men around, together with your new baby when it arrives.

TheOriginalFAB · 24/04/2011 17:12

You did not turn him nasty Hmm. He got lucky and had something to latch onto to justify being a git to you.

Is your daughter 12 or 14?

You need to leave.

takewhatyoucan · 24/04/2011 17:16

this is such a terrible situation for you, and I agree with previous posters, especially that it is NOT too late to start again, especially in your situation.

I would like to add, never believe that crap about you 'turning men nasty', that is utter manipulative bs. no one can change another person in that way. nasty men are drawn to women with low self esteem who they can abuse and manipulate. None of that is your fault.

I am afraid I don't know what else to say but I hope the situation gets better for you soon.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 24/04/2011 17:20

Please, please re-read what you have said this man is just as abusive as your ex. For the sake of your daughter and son please leave this man. Please think about this from your daughter pov, you are showing her it is acceptable to live like this and be treated this way. You are telling her she is worth less to you than this man.

CharlieCoCo · 24/04/2011 17:25

what a rotten thing for him to say. you have not made him nasty, only he can do that, he is emotionally abusing you by turning it around and blaming you. Angry everyone is responsible for their own actions and u need to be brave, take your children and leave him before he emotionally abuses them. i know it is easy to say and hard to do but you will either have to do something really hard and upsetting now and then move on to a better and happier life, or stay in this relationship where you and your children are unhappy and basically delaying this day.
you say you are poor with him so it isnt like you are leaving a rich and comfortable lifestyle. please dont stay in an abusive relationship and let your children think it is normal, you have done it one and you are not too old, if you life a full life (which sorry to be blunt you may not in an abusive relationship, he may not be physically hurting you yet but it may evolve to that) anyway if you life a full life you will be with him longer than 37 years; think about that, can you see yourself staying in your current situation for another 37 years? or 10 years? 5 years? next year with a new baby? all you are doing is delaying this move and being unhappy, this new baby is the perfect time to start afresh and to give him/her the best start in life.
good luck:)