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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel horrified by young people and Facebook?

73 replies

whitewedding · 24/04/2011 11:28

I am a secondary school teacher and have just started maternity leave for the second time. My daughter was born in May 2009 and my next baby is due in June.

Some of the sixthformers have requester me as a friend on Facebook which I was happy to accept. But I have spent some time looking at profiles of children much lower down the school (who are friends with these older students) who mostly have open profiles where everything is visible with just one friend in common.

I feel absolutely ancient for being so shocked, but I am. Girls in particular, some of whom I always thought of as being well behaved, well mannered students have got some absolutely awful stuff on there. Things like "works at The Street Corner as Prostitute" or "Slut at Brothel." Accompanied by status updates including the word 'fuck' at as many opportunities as possible and photos of them smirking, preening, cleavage revealing.

I sound ridiculous but I've just had my daughter on my knee and held her and cried my eyes out. If it was her, I'd be horrified and more to the point, I feel stupid, I feel as though I've been tricked into liking these girls and thinking how nice they are when actually they are foul mouthed promiscuous little bullies. I can't bear the thought that my daughter and my next child would be growing up like this or that they will be friends with these sorts of children. I'm probably being hormonal but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

whitewedding · 24/04/2011 11:51

Fatfingers - yeah, I see what you mean, I'm sorry. Just a shock like I say. I don't know if they're having sex or not but honestly, a 13 year old claiming to be a professional prostitute just makes me feel a bit ill to be honest. I know I sound incredibly naive and a bit prissy and I don't think I am. I am trying to remember being that age myself, and we were interested in boys and in sex of course, but I honestly don't remember anything being talked about beyond a sort of vanilla level without red faces and lots of whispering and giggling. But yes should have left well alone. I'll be a nightmare when DD gets to that age I bet!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 24/04/2011 12:05

You sound incredibly naive actually.

It's not really helpful to keep comparing these teenagers to yourself when you were their age.

Let's hope no-one takes a snap of you 'appearing to look drunk' (which many pics taken at the wrong angle can) and posts it on your wall because you could well find the school corridors plastered with copies....

Yukana · 24/04/2011 12:46

My children won't be on facebook until they are at least 13. Even then everything will be monitored by me until they are 15/16.

YANBU at all, it horrifies me how teenagers are nowadays (and I'm not exactly old myself!) and I would never want my children to turn out that way.

forwantofabetter1 · 24/04/2011 13:04

I dont have a problem with children on facebook as long as it is properly monitered in fact my 7 year old has it so he can access the games and stuff

I work in a primary school and loads of the kids are on facebook but I would never ever have any of them as friends and even when they have left us and are 18/19 I wouldnt have them as a friend as I wouldnt want them seeing my status or pictures as you never know who they are in turns friends with.
Recently I've even removed a couple of work collegues who have children in the school as it dawned on me that their kids could easily have access.

auntpetunia · 24/04/2011 13:07

It's against all our school policies to have parents or pupils as friends on FB, infact I think it's council policy and can cause lots of problems.

hairylights · 24/04/2011 13:14

Yabu. Particularly this statment " I've been tricked into liking these girls and thinking how nice they are when actually they are foul mouthed promiscuous little bullies".

And you shouldn't add your pupils.

squeakytoy · 24/04/2011 13:16

My children won't be on facebook until they are at least 13. Even then everything will be monitored by me until they are 15/16.

So many parents say that, but when they are that age, you are not with them 24/7 and they can easily set up different profiles which you dont know about.

The parents who are not on facebook themselves, declaring it the work of the devil, are kidding themselves too if they think their children are not on there.

worraliberty · 24/04/2011 13:17

I don't understand the 'trickery' either. I mean it's not like they're allowed to swear and act like that in class is it?

DontCallMeBaby · 24/04/2011 13:20

Is it worth a quiet (online) word with the ex-pupils you have friended, to see if they might in turn have a quiet word with the younger pupils about online security? That's what I find worrying here, not so much what they claim to have done (as I agree that the majority probably haven't), but that they clearly have NO clue about how to keep themselves safe online.

purepurple · 24/04/2011 13:21

squeakytoy I'm with you there. some parents are in for a hell of a wake up call when their children turn into teenagers.
If only you could monitor their every waking moment at 15/16.

princessparty · 24/04/2011 13:30

I think you should unfriend them -it really isn't professional

Goblinchild · 24/04/2011 13:49

Good Lord PP, at last!
A post of yours I agree with. [bushock]
It must be The spirit of the Easter Bunny working its miracles. [bugrin]

SueSylvesterforPM · 24/04/2011 14:06

alot of it is shock tactics if it gets no fire the fuel generally dies down.

'I'm a slut me!' ..really good for you

see not much fun in that is there. another part of your post I found very offensive, I didnt realise smirking, and posing made people nasty bullies and unless they've pulled there tops down and took pictures a bit of cleavage cannot be helped. the average bra size is now C+ I much larger than that at 14 or so and its difficult to not have cleavage.
that mentality that girls who have Cleavage are in some way bad is bonkers and horrid.

princessparty · 24/04/2011 14:08

Ha ha i'm full of surprises!

hoolabombshell · 24/04/2011 15:03

OP, I don't quite understand why you're getting such a caning on here. I understand that you just wanted to (in good faith) keep in touch with pupils whom you were fond of and unlikely to see again. Perhaps you didn't understanding fully beforehand the kind of site Facebook is and what kinds of things people can post on there (I'm not sure how much you've used it before?). Unfortunately it is all to easy for anyone, of any age, to set an account up these days and I don't know how moderated it is, given some of the comments, language and kinds of "Facebook Groups" that appear on there.

I wouldn't call you unprofessional or naive exactly (as I say, I think you befriended them in good faith), but it seems to be the 'done thing' these days among the younger ones to ask people if they're 'on Facebook' and if so 'to add them'. For your sanity's sake though, I would quietly delete them and try and remember them as the nice girls that I'm sure they are, without being subject to their online antics. I agree it is just a lot of showing off though. Facebook usually is.

usualsuspect · 24/04/2011 15:09

YABU

Teenagers are the same as they have always been

SarahStrattonsHotCrossBunnies · 24/04/2011 15:18

I would not be happy with either DD having teachers or ex teachers on their FBs. I think you should defriend them.

EllenJane1 · 24/04/2011 15:18

I'm a TA and my only Facebook friend who is not of my generation is my DS. Never be 'friends' with children if you are in any position of authority or will be again soon. Not a good idea. I'm actually surprised your head gave you such poor advice. It's just common sense, really.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 24/04/2011 15:21

What the hell are you doing accepting pupils as friends?

I cannot belive you are so naive to think this is ok.

Delete immediately.

EasterIgg · 24/04/2011 15:26

OP where I live we are banned from having students as fb friends. It's simply a no-no.
Ex-students are ok, though I've no idea why they want their old teachers as fb friends!
You have not been "tricked" that's daft talk. And preening, cleavage etc does not mean they are promiscuous in real life.

Original poster

whitewedding · 24/04/2011 15:27

Well, as I've said before once or twice :) I'm not friends with any current pupils and this has been cleared with the HT - it isn't as if I am befriending 12 year olds but these are three 18 year old girls, I don't think their mums will be too concerned!

I didn't mean that the cleavage / silly pictures made them bullies but some of the behaviour and the way they spoke to/about one another was just horrid and it upset me. I'm blaming the hormones, I'm calm now. I still don't like it though and it's made me conscious of a sublevel os sexuality I previously didn't know about and it will probably make me more careful in the future. If, when DD is this age she wants a FB account she can have one - but I'll be friends with her as well

I suppose as much as anything if I could see this then so can others, and it could have longer term implications than just a heavily pregnant teacher being a bit shocked.

OP posts:

SarahStrattonsHotCrossBunnies · 24/04/2011 15:40

My DD1 is 17, nearly 18. I would still be uncomfortable if she had teachers on her FB.

I am amazed that you have not noticed this 'sublevel of sexuality' amongst the younger pupils. It is fairly blatent imo. And with regards to the younger pupils - just because you can see them does not mean their accounts are public, they have probably set it to 'friends of friends' - that is how they increase their FB headcount.

Defriend them. All of them. You should not have them on your FB.

EasterIgg · 24/04/2011 15:44

I certainly agree they don't think of longer-term consequences of anything they post.
BTW you said the girls were sixth-formers, they aren't ex-students until they've actually left your school!

Original poster

whitewedding · 24/04/2011 15:49

sarah - if the parents contact me and say they're not happy than I'll remove, no probs :) Until then I am happy as things are. Easter, yes true, however they are year 13 and only have four weeks left there until study leave and as I have said :) I have checked with the Head. If he says that's not a problem, I don't think there is either.

At what point then would it become 'okay/comfortable' to have an ex teacher on your list? I have two of mine because they were fab, inspiring and above all really liked me - and I them. I'm 32: surely that's not inappropriate - so when is it appropriate? At 18, 21, 25, 28? I'll do what I am comfortable with and what is legal :)

OP posts:

Marlinspike · 24/04/2011 15:52

OP, I do think you are being a little naive - our school code of conduct strongly advises against having students as friends - and as EasterIgg says, even though you are on maternity leave, the sixth formers are still students at your school, and you are therefore in a position of trust in relation to them. Having such rules is for your own protection - as other posters have said, what if an innocuous comment or photo is taken out of context and publicised around your school? I think your HT has given you bad advice, and I would suggest you have a look at your LEA code of conduct ( if you work at a state maintained school) as you may find that you are in breach of this.

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