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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been erased from holiday memory?

18 replies

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:13

Feeling a bit peed off right now. Don't know if this is totally unreasonalbe, but dh came home from seeing his parents with the children (I was resting at home being 8months pregnant and as I saw them only last weekend)

He brought back some easter eggs for the kids and a book from his sister who said it was for us. It was a photo book of our holiday last year which we spent with my il's family. Out of 50 pages, there are only two photos of me, I know this sounds vain/selfish, but this was the first holiday me and dh had with the children and I feel like I've been edited out! The first page shows dh, sil, bil, other sil and mil all in wetsuits hugging each other, and then there are lots of the kids and dh's parents, but I'm nowhere to be seen.

I was ill for part of the holiday as I'd just fallen pregnant, but I was around for a fair bit of it, and would have liked to have been included in this record. It's bizarre and has really upset me. Dh thinks I'm over reacting and thinks his sister only thought it would be a nice gift.

To top it off when I had a look at my easter egg, it had already been opened and half eaten! unbelievable, do I really exist in this world or do I just carry grand children?

OP posts:

albania · 23/04/2011 21:18

I don't think you're overreacting, if it was my MIL I'd think she was being very deliberately malicious.
On it's own, the picture book might be alright, but with an eaten easter egg too? I think they're trying to say something...

FabbyChic · 23/04/2011 21:19

Who had eaten half of your egg? Thats really bad form, I'd ring who it came from and say, I think I got the wrong egg!

With regards the photo's if there were only two of you that is all they could have included. Where more taken that are not there?

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 21:21

I'd be annoyed about the chocolate egg to be honest. If you're giving someone a gift - even if it's just a chocolate egg to mark a festival that you know has an imaginary talisman (I mean the bunny, not being anti religious) - then you give it properly and with good grace.

The next time you see your In-laws, ask them if they had given you the wrong egg by mistake, because the one you ended up with was half gone.

If they challenge you on it, remind them of good manners; better to receive no gift than one given without good grace.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:26

I'm not sure what happened to the egg, it was all crumpled up inside, so I'm sure his brother probably didn't realise it was for me and perhaps ate some of it. I'm willing to let that go but the photobook is more upsetting. I don't know how many photos she had of us/me, but we posed for a few so I knot there were more than 2. It's just hurt me that there are load of her and the kids and her parents and my dh, and his bil with his wife and they all really smiley on the beach together... it just looks like I wasn't there. As it was our first holiday together I wanted the kids to know mummy was there, I just wish she had asked me for some pics as I have quite a few of us together.
I've half a mind to chuck it away but it looks quite expensive.

Perhaps I'm not photogenic in their eyes!

OP posts:

suzikettles · 23/04/2011 21:26

Was the book made especially for you, or was it for your inlaws and your sil got you a copy? I'd say that 2 photos of me in a holiday photobook would be standard, mainly because I take most of the photos, but also because most of them tend to be of ds, niece, nephew, friend's children - the adults don't get much of a look in.

Really it depends how many pics of you were taken. If your sil didn't have many to start with then it would have been hard to include you all that much.

Are you sure one of the children didn't have a sneaky go at your egg?

FabbyChic · 23/04/2011 21:28

Why don't you remove some of the other pictures and put some of yours in with you in it? That would make sense.

suzikettles · 23/04/2011 21:28

xpost. Oh well, are the two with you in it nice photos? Quality over quantity...? (kind of clutching at straws here now)

Oakmaiden · 23/04/2011 21:31

I can understand you feeling hurt about the photo book, but maybe the idea when they put the book together was that it was a book for them to remind them of what they did on holiday, and then they just thought "maybe you would like a copy too". Rather than a book to commemorate the whole group holiday, iyswim?

I actually did something similar once - I made a photo book for my mil for Chirstmas, and then at the last minute decided to get a copy for my mum too. So my mum has a book with pictures of my husband and children, and a few of my husband's family, but none of my extended family. I didn't even stop to think it might be a bit odd til I saw posts about that sort of thing on here.

So, it may well have been done with no intention of excluding or upsetting you.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:32

If the eggs weren't sealed up in a cool bag, I'd say they'd had ago at them! dh said he doesn't know why it was like that, it's not like he'd ask them anyway and I would be too embarassed to as well.

I think I may stick some of our family photos of the holiday to make it a more sensible representation! I normally take our family pics so am not in many but this was a book made from her pics and she is quite a good photographer. I don't know if others received a copy, I'm sure she made one for her parents. There is no shortage of photos of the rest of the family, I just feel like it's family Warren (meaning them as a unit) and the grandchildren, forgetting that I actually bore those children!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:35

Oakmaiden, I think you are right, it was meant as a memento of what THEY did on holiday and passed off as a gift to us.

I didn't enjoy that holiday much to be honest, I felt like a spare part, they want to do it again this year when I'll have a three months old baby, I don't think I'll bother sadly.

OP posts:

WannaBeMarryPoppins · 23/04/2011 21:39

I think it's quite sad. Even if it's a memory of what they did on their holiday, surely their daughter in law is part of that and the memories. I am not sure I would say anything but I understand why you are upset. If you didn't enjoy the holiday much either don't go again.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:42

I do feel sad like they don't like me very much

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:45

I have said I don't think I will go as they have already booked somewhere without asking us. They want the grandchildren to go without us, so is this basically them saying they don't want me around? Maybe I should suggest they stay at home with us this year - I feel mean doing this as we can't afford a holiday as we are moving house and I don't want to be petty, but I would like to choose where to go on our own holiday and what to do etc. Dh is useless and says if we can't afford to go we should let the children have a holiday with his parents.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 23/04/2011 21:54

Tell DH they can have a holiday when his family start treating you with respect.

mamas12 · 23/04/2011 22:34

Well How about sending all the ones you have with you in them and say that they obviously didn't take enough and you were worried for them.

Re: the holiday: would the dcs enjoy, would you like a ittle peace with newborn, could you do it on your terms?

Get your dh on side.

debinaboat · 23/04/2011 23:59

oh lottie i know exactly how you feel. my mil took photos at her ds wedding(my dh brother) she filled an album with pictures of all the family who were there, brothers, aunts uncles etc.and lots of pictures of herself with family members. there is a good picture of my dh sitting at the table (she waited until i nipped to the loo to get the photo of him alone) but there is not one photo of me .it looks like i was not there..if it were that easy to airbrush me out of dh life for real i think she would...but on the positive side,after 20years with dh i have become immune to Mil and her bad attitude, and no longer get upset by the things she says and does.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 24/04/2011 23:12

Just to update, me and dh had an all mighty row about this last night and then a good discussion. I think it's only right the kids go away with their grandparents this year as it's been arranged (apparently my dh was to blame as he said it was ok without asking me) but next year we will go away as just our family (no grandparents) I think dh has a better idea of my perspective, but doesn't think his parents mean to be malicious. I think he realised his mum is a bit of a nightmare, and I made it quite clear who needs to come first!

OP posts:

pinkyonthebeach · 25/04/2011 10:26

Well done putting yourself first re the holidays of the future!

I suggest thats its important for you to "own" your memories of this past holiday even if you didnt dig it that much.

This holiday was yours as well and it should be remembered as such. So what you do next is get your own photos uploaded to one of these photobook sites.

Then email your SIL and ask her to upload hers to the same place, (you explain that her photos are so amazing and she is such a wonderful photographer that you simply have to have copies of certain shots, if she then says "Ill get you copies", say "no thanks I am not sure what I want yet, etc etc, so please upload the lot!")
Then make your own photobook, with lots of you in it and less of them in it.

This is the power of editing. Imagine the photobook as a work of art or even a movie. Meaning is created in any work of art by simple editing of the material.

In essence by making a new photobook starring you - you will be taking control and editing yourself into the story of the holiday and indeed placing yourself and your family in the leading roles. It is important you do this for yourself as soon as possible as it will be symbolic of how you need to make yourself the leading star of your own life!

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