The comex nature of female friendships!
WentworthMillerMad · 23/04/2011 16:17
My sister has been best friends with K since they were at uni 20 years ago. Pretty much inseparable. K suddenly stops returning my sisters calls for about 2 months. Even on Xmas day she 'just missed her'.
A month later my sis gets a call from K partner to announce they had just got married in south Africa - apparently all last minute etc. My sis delighted for them until it transpired her parent and 2 other close friends were at this 'last minute' wedding. Sis and K talk it over and K says it was because she wasn't sure she wanted to go through with the wedding.....blah blah.
After asking my advice I thought that sis should de-friend K over this, not a true friend, pre-planned to exclude her and not invite her to her wedding but did invite other friends.
AIBU - should she stay friends and forgive? Is this what it means to have a true best friend - compromise and working it through?
Or is this too big a deal to get over? Advice really appreciated.
My sis is utterly devastated.
LouMacca · 23/04/2011 16:29
How can she be a true best friend? Not only did K not invite your sister to the wedding, she didn't even tell her it was happening yet 2 other close friends knew and were there. Maybe they have grown apart and K just doesn't see your sister as her best friend anymore? BTW does the friend live in SA?
Putting myself in your sisters position I'm not sure I could continue with this friendship.
choc1 · 23/04/2011 17:29
Actually, its not that a big deal is it.
My BF went to Gretna to get hitched, didnt tell me, but took a coach load of family and friends with her.
She phoned me to tell me some what shyly and in a bashful manner and i can honestly say that i just wanted to go round with wine to oggle her photos, i really wasnt offended and it didnt cross my mind that she was being "odd" with me, as it was her day, her decision and all up to her.
Pictures were ace and we had a great giggle when she was telling me all about what her relies got up to.
I certainly would NOT fall out about this, but then i am never very precious about friendships, i have lots of pals who come and go, sometimes dont see them for months at a time, but i knwo they are there.
We all have busy lives and its just not practical to be "close" all of the time, you have to take it as it comes, not be offended or hurt or too bothered, just be glad when you do get time together.
I LOVE to share in lifes events either during or after, its all good, not personal and adds richness no matter when it happens to my frindships with people.
WentworthMillerMad · 23/04/2011 18:35
Thanks everyone-she does not live in SA and my sis could have dropped everything with a bit of warning. She a single mum but she knows I will step in to help / my mum etc.
I am torn for her - do we protect friendships because they are long standing or just let it go. Like me, sis does not have many v close friends (who does!)
and it seems sad to see it go
northerngirl41 · 23/04/2011 19:00
Since they haven't been in contact for a while, is it possible that they were there on holiday (with parent + 2 friends) and just happened to do it on spur of the moment? I don't think your sis can make any judgements about it until she actually hears the whole story - and if she climbs onto her high horse right now, she won't get to hear the whole story.
Destination weddings are tricky because they are expensive for guests - even if your sister could get some childcare last minute, would she have been able to find the money? Perhaps K didn't want to embarrass her by asking.
I can totally understand not meeting up/catching up with a close friend who knows me well if I needed to keep a secret from them - I'm a rubbish liar and they'd know instantly. And since your sis wasn't invited, it wouldn't have been polite to have told her about the wedding plans, presuming they were made that far in advance.
In the grand scheme of things, it's only one day - they have a longstanding friendship. I say forgive and forget.
Xales · 23/04/2011 19:03
To be honest I don't think K wants to be your sisters close friend any more.
She stopped taking her calls several months earlier. Was too busy to take 5 minutes to call back at christmas and it was her new H not her friend who called up to say they were hitched.
She wasn't sure enough she wanted to get married but was sure enough to invite close friends and parents.
I think you sister needs to back off and just be cordial if she wants to remain friends but accept that K does not consider her as close a friend as she did any more.
Jogonjill · 23/04/2011 19:10
As an aside, does the phrase 'de-friend' in your OP mean on Facebook, or in real life too? I have only heard it used as a Facebook ref before.
I think the best friend is no longer best, but that's not to say they have to fall out. It seems like the friend has been doing some distancing for quite a while, unfortunately for your sister. See if you can take her out meeting new people and making new friends a bit to cheer her up!
PonceyMcPonce · 23/04/2011 19:11
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
springydaffs · 23/04/2011 19:43
Your poor sister - that was very brutal
It does sound as though her best friend was creating some distance though imo you don't treat a good friend like that: if there were issues she should have had the courage and respect to talk things over with your sister.
It may be that the friendship was too close iyswim and perhaps bf's husband was uncomfortable with that. Was your sister fully supportive of the relationship ie between bf and future H? If your sister voiced anything negative about the relationship this could be the reason she was frozen out. OR the bf is the type to have intense relationships and can only have one on the go at a time eg her bf, or her H.
ime the end of a close friendship can be devastating, on a par with the end of a romantic relationship - worse sometimes. Your sister may or may not be able to pick up the friendship on these new terms - that's for her to work out if she can.
WentworthMillerMad · 23/04/2011 22:10
I see every point in this thread - daffs you hit the nail on the head, my sis thinks new hubby is unreliable. He drinks heavily, gambles and has had pre marriage affairs. Maybe nothing worse than dis approving friend other than interfering sister!
Often feel my closest friends are
My oldest friends, nothing like some history behind you. Getting drunk
And 'remember when'. mmmm will ponder!
Bumblequeen · 24/04/2011 00:32
This reply has been deleted
Withdrawn at poster's request.
springydaffs · 24/04/2011 01:10
oh dear, that's alarming Bumblequeen!
I'm wondering if K is in an abusive relationship Wentworth. If so, he will want her all to himself and will very deliberately drive a wedge between her and anyone close to her in order to isolate her. YOur sister shouldn't so much be devastated for herself as for her friend, as relationships like this always end in not just tears but total shipwreck for the victim. If she is in one - and the gambling, drinking, affairs etc don't bode at all well if I'm honest. Abusive relationships start out very heady and seem perfect ("swept off her feet") but are extremely addictive
That's not to say the devastation for your sister isn't still sharp, but to know some of the mitigating factors (that if K is in an abusive relationship, she is under a spell, to put it bluntly) will help to shift the focus. Get your sister to have a look at the Womens Aid website, she may recognise some of the characteristics of her friend's new H: your sister may be the first casualty in a long line, ending with her friend iyswim. You tend to know something by its fruits
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