12 yr old Son has autism, I thought he had severe anxiety.Any hope for him....

[katieskinty]

My 12 year old son has been seen by the child psychiatrist in CAMHS.He was referred to them for severe separation anxiety.but having assessed my son for a couple of hours he told me that he is presenting with classic autism signs and that his anxiety is a result of him being unable to cope with feeling different, not fittin gin ,struggling with massive lifetime changes...dad left abruptly one day and has very little to do with our kids..... I am just shocked.I have another teen who also has autism so I've been down this road before and know what's ahead of me with shit services and delays etc. My son shadows me.He tries to control me and manipulates every given situation to ensure that I stay very closely by his side.The Psychiatrist told me that many mothers describe the feeling of claustrophobia as being in an abusive relationship, where they are coercively controlled and when we fight it ie insist on spending time with other kids or friends, they react with anger and punish through aggression and spammimg with texts and calls.The Psychiatrist explained it perfectly butI'm sure it would be hard for people to understand if they've never experienced this level of intensity. The Psychatrist said that if this doesnt stop or improve, that he will break me and I agreee, he will break me.He's brought me to the edge many times.I have amaxing family, fri ends and partner. PLEASE tell me how I can assert boundaries now that I'm waiting for assessment and formal diagnosis.What can I do to help him and help me.I was so excited to think that CAMHS may help.It was the final shot and I was so happy that he had been accepted and that his anxiety would be cured and I would not feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore. AIBU to think this can be healed or cured or is this it for his life and mine/ Thanks

Make him less stressed. (Support at school <hollow laugh> sensory, OTetc) The less stressed he is the more likely he is able to cope with separation.

He is relatively ok at school although he has been bullied and is always on the fringes.He so wants to fit in but just doesnt.Ido everything to avoid stress for him and I'm very laid back.I just cant see what else I can do

I’m really sorry as this sounds so hard.
i hope you can get proper support and have you tried probiotics in case it helps the anxiety side of things? Our DS was incredibly anxious for years and unhappy without us and he was transformed by a very strong probiotic along with a whole food/ low sugar diet. It’s worth googling the link between the gut and brain / anxiety or looking on you tube .

My neighbour is 14 and presents in the same way - more severely in fact. The lowest point was his grabbing a kitchen knife and holding it to his own throat if his mother left the room. He is home educated. His mum is the most patient woman alive and it broke her. She didn’t feel able to set boundaries and basically did whatever he requested on the basis of her logic of “there must be a reason why he’s requesting it.” But actually it was severe anxiety rather than a logical reason, coupled with a total disinterest in how his behaviour impacted anyone else.

The turning point came when in desperation they saw a private psychiatrist who prescribed meds for anxiety and anti depressants. That changed everything.

He is still anxious and still very affected by his autism obviously but the rest of the family are not held to ransom.

My DD age 25 has ASD and severe anxiety She is very anxious about lots of things but in particular about me going out without her. I don't see it as anything to do with coercive control and I surprised that a doctor would describe it in that way.

I am my DD's carer and she is very dependent on me for practical and emotional support. She worries constantly that some harm will happen to me whilst I am out and I think this is because her life would be significantly impacted if I was incapacitated or died. She can't help worrying in this way, it is just part of having ASD.

It has been very hard for me to deal with over the years so I can understand how desperate you must be. At one time I couldn't even go to the hairdresser for an hour without her ringing me constantly. Camhs helped us with strategies to try to keep the anxiety down such as making sure she was distracted whilst I was out and me ringing at her agreed times to confirm all ok. It has got a little better over the years and I actually managed to have a four day break away from her earlier in the year which is a major step forward for us.

I appreciate the above probably won't make you feel any better about things but it may help in some way.

You may find it useful to look into Intereoception - there’s lots of resources online/ YouTube videos/ Facebook groups.

Anxiety is very tricky to overcome if an individual has difficulty linking bodily sensations to emotions, and in my working experience it’s been especially challenging for children with a neurodiversity. A Neurotypical approach would be CBT for anxiety, however for many people it is so so hard to link thoughts/feelings to a body sensation. They might not even know where they feel it in their body, they might not recognise they are anxious but just feel incredibly overwhelmed and so it’s tricky to self-manage, therefore they rely on co-regulation. Intereoception awareness really is the foundation for self-regulation and awareness of the horrible intense anxiety body sensations and the situations where these feelings are triggered.

@ChipPotts The doctor didn't describe it as coercive control, but feeling like a coercive adult relationship would 'feel' to the mother. The motivation is different in that it's anxiety related.

Probably not useful but would a weighted vest help? A bit out there, but sometimes simple stuff works.

I'd also look at medications and improving gut health, as there is a definite long between gut health and mental health.

Anxiety can only be improved by the person suffering with it so you should be offered help so that he can find coping mechanisms

Thanks so much for your replies.It's literaly been a day since I've been told this and I'm absolutely blind sided.What gut health supplements will help please. My son is self loathing, over eats, is obese, hates his body and himself.What strategies can I employ immediately to start the process of anxiety management.Services are notoriously slow and awful and I'm willing to do anything or go anywhere to get him help.He is obsessed with the idea that I may die and he doesnt know what he would do without me,also.Thanks

ASD and anxiety and often co morbid.

You say the Psychiatrist said that many mothers describe the feeling of claustrophobia as being in an abusive relationship, where they are coercively controlled and when we fight it ie insist on spending time with other kids or friends, they react with anger and punish through aggression and spammimg with texts and calls - but you do understand that while it might feel like this, this is absolutely not what is going on, right? The Psyche did continue their point and make that clear right? I hope so!

What is going on here is that you have an absolutely terrified child. The world makes no sense to him and he is so scared out of his wits that he holds on as tightly as he can to the only thing that makes him feel at all safe - you. And if he is repeatedly calling you it is not because he is trying to punish you, it's because he desperately needs you, and if he gets angry it's not because he's trying to punish you, quite the opposite he probably just doesn't understand why you are hurting him and making him feel so terrible - when he needs you most.

I don't think you're looking at this from the right way around at all, putting in boundaries is not going to work in any way, shape or form. In his terror he will not be able to conform to your boundaries. What you have to do is literally the complete opposite, you have to make him feel safe. Apart from meds, feeling safe is the only thing that is going to reduce his anxiety IMO. He goes to school because he feels safe there, now you have to help him learn that other things are safe to - keep encouraging but don't push too hard or it'll have the opposite effect. You have to listen and learn from him what he can cope with.

I would talk to the Psychiatrist about the possibility of meds, I read with anti d's there's an increased risk of suicide in children so it has to be done by a Psychiatrist I believe but I would definitely consider it as the levels of stress and anxiety he is feeling sound horrific and it could really help him to cope with day to day life, no to mention you. Good luck, read up all you can on ASD to help you understand him and i hope he gets the help he desperately needs.

I am not sure you encountered the most supportive psychiatrist. But just to say it is not all doom and gloom. Both ds1 and ds2 had similar profile. ds1 is now doing well at university. ds2 is not quite there yet but has also made big improvements. What made the difference for them was getting the right educational support. For ds1 this meant a very supportive special school. For ds2 this meant home tutors who had the willingness and the patience to help him through his anxiety.

My DD age 25 has ASD and severe anxiety She is very anxious about lots of things but in particular about me going out without her. I don't see it as anything to do with coercive control and I surprised that a doctor would describe it in that way.

I interpreted it as them saying that's what it felt like, regardless of intent. From the sounds of it it's hard to disagree.

Did the psychiatrist mention medication at all?

It can help with the anxiety.

Psychiatrist said he is nowhere near needing medication.He needs deep psychologocal intervention to deal with his anxiety.Agian, he explained that many mothers 'feel' so claustrophobic etc that many have described the feelings as what they imagine an abusive relatonship to feel like with coercive control etc.My son is terrified that I will leave or die as Dad left abruptly.Have you any suggestions of authors, books, natural remedies or videoes that may help us in the interim please and thenks.Ihave done everything I can think of for years to help him to feel safe.He has only marginally improved.

This is such a good response. From my own experience, I wholeheartedly agree that you have to make your son feel safe and secure. My dd does take daily medication but we are not sure whether it helps that much.

Have you been able to have a conversation about his dad abandoning the family?

Would you consider art therapy as a means of facilitating conversations around this?

My ASD child was transformed by SSRIs. The anxiety was the killer - once that was lessened they were so much better! I feel sure (although I haven't looked for statistics/evidence) that talking therapy for anxiety must be less effective in people who have inflexible thinking and resist change. Medication has been very very effective for my child - so much happier now. Still ASD of course but better all round.

I should add that the SSRIs were prescribed by the psychiatrist at CAMHS who has lots of experience with ASD. We are aware that we can change the anxiety, not the ASD. And that suits us OK.

We are aware that we can change the anxiety, not the ASD.

This ^^

Psychiatrist said he is nowhere near needing medication.He needs deep psychologocal intervention to deal with his anxiety...

...Agian, he explained that many mothers 'feel' so claustrophobic etc that many have described the feelings as what they imagine an abusive relatonship to feel like with coercive control etc.My son is terrified that I will leave or die as Dad left abruptly

It seems strange that he has ruled out medication given the severity of the anxiety.

perhaps look a bit at codependents anonymous and their resources on boundary setting.

Things that help my daughter;

• deep tissue pressure (massage or weighted blanket)
• soothing the nervous system with breathing exercises and self compassion.
• sensory swing (we just have a door frame pull up bar with a yoga swing hanging from it.
• exercise helps get rid of some of the anxious agitation.

-havibg opportunities to share her interests and is making the effort to listen and engage with her about these. -pacing the week so there are quieter times and busier times.

Are there any charitable organisations near you that could help?