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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to family party

19 replies

marvelousmeg · 23/04/2011 08:47

my mum and dad have their 50th wedding next month and of course I want to have a celebration for them. However, my suggestion of going out for a meal has been rejected by my sister in favour of lunch at her house. Now, this shouldn't be a problem, however I always feel that myself and my family are unwelcome at her house. On the rare occasions I speak to her on the phone it's like a business conversation, there's no warmth, she never asks about my children, she barely speaks to my husband or children when meet, and there are often veiled criticisms to my face and stronger ones behind my back. I've lived with this for a long time, rising above it, always asking about her children, ringing to congratulate when good things happen for them etc. However, I finally feel that I can't do it anymore, or subject my family to it. Problem is I'll have to be honest with my parents, about why I don't want to go, which will upset them even though they know she can be awkward, and I'll also have to find an excuse. Should I grin and bear it for the sake of my parents or be honest with them and have a separate celebration?

OP posts:

lambethlil · 23/04/2011 08:51

Grin and bear it unfortunately. Its the wrong time with celebrations looming.

exoticfruits · 23/04/2011 08:54

Have you asked your parents what they want to do? Why not hire a hall and have more people? Have you got cousins etc who could all bring a dish?

Original poster

marvelousmeg · 23/04/2011 09:04

I do feel it is probably the wrong time to stand my ground but I'm finding it hard to overcome my gut feeling not to go.

Unfortunately the lunch at my sister's is now a fait accompli as my suggestions for other venues have been declined. Having more people would be great but as it's not at my house, I can't really invite other people. I can see I sound a bit lacking in back bone but it's very easy to upset my sister and if I don't go along with what she wants - she will probably throw her toys out of the pram. Plus my parents (again after years of walking on egg shells) are saying they're happy with it.

OP posts:

RunAwayWife · 23/04/2011 09:17

Now is not the time to make a stand, it looks childish, leave it till after the anniversary

zipzap · 23/04/2011 09:22

Why not say that if your sis wants to make a meal for them to celebrate then that is fine but that you want to take them out for a meal to celebrate.

Try to pitch it so it sounds like a good thing - that they are getting two celebrations rather than one.

What would your parents say if you said you would be happy to have it anywhere apart from yor sister's house? I know you say it is a bit late now but if your sis is saying it has to be at her house and you say anywhere apart from there she is the one being most restrictive. If your sis has refused all venues then can you ask her to suggest somewhere else? might not be your ideal but hopefully would be better than her house. And pitch it to your parents that it would be lovely to be able to have a bigger better proper celebration with others there too and maybe they would go for it?

Maybe this is the time to stand up to your sis - point out that you are all so bloody used to doing what your sis wants and falling onto line but that this is too important a celebration, should be for your parents to decide and not your sis dictating. And that this time she has gone too far etc

Good luck, hope you end up doing something nice with/for your parents that is not at your sis house, regardless of whether she is there or not!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 23/04/2011 09:24

I agree with the others that this is not the time to make a stand about it.

Go, enjoy the time with your parents and then deal with your relationship with your sister at a later date.

thefurryone · 23/04/2011 09:29

I can understand why you feel like this and you could choose now as the time to take a stand but a 50 year wedding anniversary is pretty special and it would be a shame for your parents to have it marked by their children fighting about it.

Original poster

marvelousmeg · 23/04/2011 09:34

thanks everyone, really sensible advice and it's helping me get it in perspective a little. I think I will probably go but at some point in the near future make it clear to my parents how I feel so that the same situation doesn't happen again. Then at least they'll know in advance of an event that I'm not likely to want to go to my sister's.

OP posts:

faymous · 23/04/2011 09:36

I wouldn't ruin your parents day. I would grin and bare it. At a later date i would talk to your sister about her behaviour.

penguin73 · 23/04/2011 09:39

If your parents are happy then you have to grin and bear it - their celebration (which will never be repeated!) shouldn't be spoiled by you choosing this as an appropriate time to show feelings that you have managed to hide so far.

pingu2209 · 23/04/2011 10:37

Grin and bare it. If you have now decided you are strong enough to raise this within the family, then you are tough enough to go for your parents sake. Raise it later.

pingu2209 · 23/04/2011 10:38

OP - don't even raise it with your parents in advance. Even though you say they can see that your sister is difficult, just knowing in advance will spoil their day.

Let it all ride and then raise it.

Original poster

marvelousmeg · 23/04/2011 11:31

good advice pingu, cheers!

OP posts:

iscream · 23/04/2011 13:15

Yeah,I don't make any waves at this point, it will spoil your parents 50th.
Putting up with sil's "hospitality" one more time, then you're free!

It may end up being the last time you step foot in your sil's home though. Nobody will know but you, I'll bet knowing that will help you be able to ignore the rudeness of her, and focus totally on your parents and others.
Good luck.

pinkyonthebeach · 23/04/2011 13:45

Yes, do this event, grin and bear it.

Focus your energies on choosing outfits and gifts, plan to make or buy and take some yummy foods, all to make the day go well. Order some crazy balloons, let the kids choose them! Get stuck into a very special occassion! (dont share your plans with your sister she will probably shoot you down)

Everytime your sister looms large in your head switch it to: what can I do for the people who do care about me? Re-live and remember the good times with those people who rock your world!

When the party is over it is time to step away from your toxic sister.

Toxic people have a clever way of spoiling things dont they?
You have a nice family and kids = She dosent share your joy!
Quit sharing hers! (Although always give her kids and husband lots of attention, its not their fault)

Continue your politeness toward the sister. As iscream says enjoy knowing this is the last time you need to go to her house or even make nice with your sister.

In these situations it helps to visualise yourself being poilte, smiley, happy and effortlessly wonderful at the party..... I think you will enjoy it!

exoticfruits · 23/04/2011 14:25

Make it into a game-decide in advance that whatever you sister says you will smile and be charmingly sweet. There is nothing more annoying than trying to snub someone or make snide comments or be argumentative if they don't appear to 'get it'.

MadamDeathstare · 23/04/2011 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 14:34

Yes, you can't use this occasion to make a stand. You don't have to bother with her after this occasion, but don't upset your parents to make a point.

flamegirl77 · 23/04/2011 21:45

If it was me I would go along, have as many as I could get away with, have a good feed and have a laugh with parents, DH, DCs and DNs. If your sister doesn't have the manners to make her guests feel welcome, that's a shame but maybe you can have a good time anyway? Best of luck!

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