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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want ds(6) to go away for a week?

26 replies

curtaincall · 22/04/2011 23:05

It's been proposed that ds(6) stays with his adult step-sister on the other side of the country for a week in the summer. Although she loves him and he's totally comfortable in her care, and he's had loads of sleepovers with friends nearby, he's never been away for more than a night.

AIBU to not want him to go? I'd miss him dreadfully and when we mentioned it, he said he'd be homesick. I am back at work, so childcare falls on DH and especially in the long hols, I can see he'll have his work cut out looking after him. What age did your dcs first go away for this length of time?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 22/04/2011 23:07

Who is actually proposing it and why?

If your son doesn't want to go, he shouldn't have to.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 22/04/2011 23:08

I don't think I'd want any of mine to do it yet, but I don't have your circumstances, having someone who will adore and pamper your DS.

YANBU to not want him to go, but it will probably be beneficial to all involved.

GloriaSmut · 22/04/2011 23:08

Mine first went away at 5 and 6. They stayed with my former ILs - their grandparents. As far as I know they coped very well - phone calls were cheery and no terrible homesickness came across in conversations. I think six is just fine, tbh, but you know your own child best.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 22/04/2011 23:09

DS (5, nearly 6) and dd (3.5) went to stay with my parents for a week at the beginning of March. I thought they'd miss me, but they didn't. They absolutely loved it, and got spoilt rotten.
I actually really enjoyed just having a bit of space and peace and quiet. It was lovely. I mean, of course I missed them, but it was nice to just be me for a few days. I think it helped that I video skyped them every day though.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 22/04/2011 23:10

Oh, sorry missed the bit about homesickness.

I take it that it's not obligatory, just his DSS wanting to have the time together?

cat64 · 22/04/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

smokeandglitter · 22/04/2011 23:13

I had my first sleepover aged 2 :) And my first week away aged 4. I was a little homesick but not much and had a fantastic time.

Why not meet halfway and suggest he stays a weekend or a couple of nights?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/04/2011 23:14

It's a perfectly fine age to go and stay at his sisters. Whether he needs to go or not is up to you and your DH - do you need help with childcare or not? If you do he goes whether he likes it or not, if you don't then ask him if he wants to go?!

Stopping him going because you might miss him would be grossly unfair. He's probably saying he'd feel homesick because he's heard you say it and feels guilty. You should be encouraging him to live his life not be at home in case you miss him :(

nikki1978 · 22/04/2011 23:19

My two stayed with my mother for 2 weeks when they were 5 and 3. They were perfectly happy. Sometimes my dd says she will miss me if she goes to stay with her grandparents for a few days but I don't stop her going as she has a great time, my mum loves having them and I like the break - the two week thing was a necessity and unusual circumstances but they were fine.

ObscureReference · 22/04/2011 23:20

YANBU - I wouldnt be able to do it! But then I havent spent a night apart from any of my children, including labour for subsequent dc, and I know that is considered weird on MN.

theglove · 22/04/2011 23:26

Ds(when 2) first went away for a fortnight just after I split with his dad.
I hated it and dreaded it, but he was fine and had a good time.

Over the years it's been hard and I never look forward to it.
He is always fine though, has only the odd quiver and comes back always a bit wiser and more appreciative

OP, I bet your DS will be really spoilt by his DSS in a good way

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:35

Six is right on the cusp of needing to start being independent, at the same time as needing the special care only their mum can give them

If you accept he will be homesick, of course he will, there's time to set up ways of helping him deal with it.

Six YOs love adventures.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 22/04/2011 23:39

Obscure, I hadn't either, until March. Not one night in 6 years. Not one evening out with DH with no kids, either. And I didn't mind at all. Still don't. Rather the reverse actually. It was bloody hard driving away and leaving them, but they really enjoyed it. I wouldn't have chosen to send them away for a week if I hadn't absolutely had to, but I think it definitely did us all good.

stickylittlefingers · 22/04/2011 23:42

Don't if you don't want to and don't have to. DD1 has stayed for up to a week at a time with my parents (less than an hour away, which probably makes a difference) and always loved it. The brief homesickness was apparently nothing to do with me or DP, she was missing DD2... Good to know my place!

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:44

I always feel a bit guilty if I enjoy the peace and quiet when DD1 stops over somewhere.

I soon get over it though

Original poster

curtaincall · 23/04/2011 22:42

Just got back online and thank you all for responses. I think it would feel better if he wasn't going to be six hours drive away and if I'm honest, sometimes think of DSD as being a bit hippy-dippy - hardly ever remembers to lock front door, fast cars zooming along road close to her house. She has left her DS when he was 4 and 6 for a few weeks at a time with her ex dp and various friends when she went abroad. I don't know - maybe I have trust issues or even control ones! He's my pfb and only one too ...

Someone mentioned him picking up on my concerns. I only discussed it once with DH when DS wasn't around, and when we suggested it to him, I mentioned it in an offhand emotionally neutral way so that rules that out. Would have no problem if it was 2 or 3 days, but this wouldn't be possible. Maybe it would be a big adventure for him and I just have to let him go - God, this feels so uncomfortable.

OP posts:

EllenJane1 · 23/04/2011 22:56

YANBU, but it is fairly normal for DC to spend this length of time away with grandparents, especially for working parents, so would this be very different?

My DS2 who has SN spent 4 nights away on a special school holiday when he was 4! So it can be done.

worraliberty · 23/04/2011 22:58

What sort of hours does your DH work? Can he not get a CM to cover?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 23/04/2011 23:00

Step-sister? So which of these children isn't your DH's then?

Original poster

curtaincall · 23/04/2011 23:06

Winterofour - OOps! I meant half-sister. They're both his (big age diff obviously).

worraliberty - DH not working - but gets tired very easily.

OP posts:

ssd · 23/04/2011 23:14

I've never spent more than 1 night away from my 2 and the eldest is 13, so to me YANBU
I'd just miss them if they went for a week, but who knows, you may love it!

EllenJane1 · 23/04/2011 23:21

ssd, have they never been on cub or scout camps, school residential visits? That's not typical!

MCos · 23/04/2011 23:25

My two had a week hols with their nanna at 4 & 6. But, they are much braver when together than on their own. However, I think either would have been fine with Nanna on their own at those ages, as she loves them dearly and they totally know it, and love her right back with all little hearts.

So big question is, what is relationship between DS and your DS? Most likely, if he feels protected and loved by SS, he will be fine. (And if you feel certain that he will be protected and loved by SS).
And other big thing to think about - if he does feel lonesome, how difficult will it be to get him back home?

ssd · 23/04/2011 23:27

ellen, you are right, the 13 yr old has been away for 5 nights with school, the youngest hasn't been away at all yet

it is typical if you haven't got the doting grandparents or family support to take your kids off you for a length of time, most of the above posters who have had more than a night away from their kids have family taking the kids off them, not the cubs

EllenJane1 · 23/04/2011 23:33

True enough ssd. My kids' grandparents are 80 and 87 so they've never spent a night with either of them!

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