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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nosy neighbour

20 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 22/04/2011 20:06

We bought our house a year ago from a couple in their 80s who sold their garden to a developer to build a close of 5 houses. They now live opposite us in one of these houses. He is a friendly and sprightly old chap who i think is harmless but a year on he still enjoys coming into our garden when we are out. We initially tolerated his daily visits into our house and garden when the house was a building site even though he spent hours distracting our builders because he was interested and told us how brilliant he thought it was. We felt sorry for him as his house and garden of 55 years was being completely changed.
On Tuesday my 17 year old cousin was in the house revising. He was sitting on the sofa watching tv. As soon as my husband left for work, my cousin spotted old Bill walking up the garden path and into the garden and peering through the windows and inspecting the vegetable patch. My husband has already challenged him twice, once 9 months ago after he was annoying the builders and once 2 months ago when he walked into our house without being invited. When we challenged him today and reported that the young cousin had seen him and been a bit worried he claimed he was checking that we didn't have a burglar. I reminded him not to come into our garden when we are out and asked him to call us if he is worried that we are being burgled. He seemed upset! I know this is not the first time he has done this. I have seen him myself when he doesn't know i'm in. He also went into a neighbours house when he thought everyone was out (a decorator caught him).
I just feel a bit mean for upsetting a benign old chap. AIBU?

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 22/04/2011 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmaIvvy · 22/04/2011 20:14

YANBU How does he get in the house - is the door left open?
Is your garden fenced off with a gate etc?
He needs telling. It's not his house anymore, you've tolerated him enough.
My Great Aunt and her Son are similar. They lived in their house for forty years and sold it two years ago. Ever since they take 'day trips' to visit the old house, which is thirty minutes drive away and down a private cul de sac! They then spend hours on the phone moaning about how the place is ruined and why on earth would they be redoing the bathroom as the old one (avacado and original 70's!) was in perfect working order!
I think some people find it hard to let go - probably why they moved opposite, but it's YOUR house now and there need to be some boundaries.

cyb · 22/04/2011 20:14

How about locking your gate?

TheVisitors · 22/04/2011 20:15

I can't help but wonder if theres an element of dementia or confusion.

Hes getting on a bit and it must be difficult to see his old home across the street and watching it change.

Is he doing any actual harm? If hes wandering in the garden when everyone is out is it a big problem? Could you put up a gate to discourage him?

AurraSing · 22/04/2011 20:18

Could you have a word with his wife? I agree it's awkward and you don't want to upset an elderly man, but he has to appreciate that it's no longer his house and garden.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/04/2011 20:19

They chose to sell the land and take the money, so I would not feel guilty about telling them not to come into my garden or peer through my windows. This is your house and you are entitled to privacy.

WowOoo · 22/04/2011 20:22

Ah. Needs to be told firmly and nicely again and again that it's not his property.
We've a situation with our elderly neighbour but it's her trying to get us into her house.. all the time. Very annoying for us. And you. Not sure what to suggest.
Could a stranger (to him) say 'who are you? get off chocolate's property now?'
Good luck

TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 20:24

I'm normally inclined to take the side of the nice old man in stories like this, but I could not put up with this kind of intrusion. He needs to either be told in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome in the garden, or you need to do something so obviously designed to keep him out, so that he either can't get in, or gets such a strong message he is not welcome that he finally stops doing it.

BeerTricksPotter · 22/04/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WowOoo · 22/04/2011 20:29

Forgot to say when we first moved in she would just let herself in if door was unlocked. (as she had done with old neighbours) Came down from a shower to find her in our kitchen Shock She is lovely though and we see and talk to her every day.

I would be friendly and firm. Do they have children who visit who can reiterate the rules to him? Could you get friendly with him? may be he's lonely.

Original poster
chocolatehobnobs · 22/04/2011 20:30

He's certainly not demented. He did all the legal work for his son's divorce last year. Sharp as a knife. We don't always lock the door when we're in during the day but do in the evening and at night. The back garden will be closed off completely once our garage is built in a month but the front is quite open. We could put a gate across the path but it would be a bit pointless. There is a long fence and path up a slope to get in so you have to deliberately decide to walk into the garden. He is not doing any harm, i think he just likes gardening, its just about privacy. Wife is an unfriendly and equally nosy old bag.

OP posts:
MmaIvvy · 22/04/2011 20:34

You seem to be far more understanding than I would be! If he likes gardening could you get him to do it for you?! That would give him a set time he can come round and nose and you would get something out of it!

Original poster
chocolatehobnobs · 22/04/2011 20:37

BeerTricks - that's exactly the point he thought he was the overseer!

MmaIvvy - that sounds awful. At least our nosy neighbour liked most of the changes we made. Said it was 'like a dream' and perfect.

WowOoo, he is lonely and we have been friendly maybe that is part of the problem but DH (who can be very firm) has already made out the rules clear in no uncertain terms.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 20:38

I'd be asking him if he wanted a job doing the gardening, which would structure the time he's in the garden while you put your feet up Grin

WowOoo · 22/04/2011 20:42

Say you have children (or cousins) who you are trying to teach not to trespass so you'd appreciate him being a good role model.??

Prob do have to be quite quite firm.

WowOoo · 22/04/2011 20:43

Go and sit in his garden and settle yourself in before you have the chat!!

MooMooFarm · 22/04/2011 20:47

YANBU - That would drive me nuts! I wouldn't want some nosey old fart snooping around my house or garden and I would put up whatever fences were necessary to make the garden completely secure and private. In my case I would need to do that as soon as I moved anywhere anyway because of children and pets etc..

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 22/04/2011 20:49

Gosh you're very calm about it! My FIL did a simiar thing and kept coming over daily to dig thegarden despite the fact that we d bought the house from him an he now has a new and beautiful house ith a bigger garden!

Drove me mad!

From other comments it seems a not uncommon problem....you need to put up a ne barrier.... a gate and tell him again thatwhile you appreciate his friendliness you wont have him coming in!

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 20:50

Good suggestion wowooo, or you could walk around in the buff and give him an eyefull OP?

Could backfire though and make the prob worse Grin

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 22/04/2011 20:50

YANBU You are entitled to your privacy and not to have anyone just wandering into your house/garden.

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