To really hate visting PILs?

[nineweeksandcounting]

I feel like a bad wife, and very disloyal to my DH.

But I have put up with visiting them for eight years and today I finally cracked.It's a lovely day, we were thinking of what to do, and DH said, Let's go and visit my mum and dad(they live in a village about 45 minutes drive)

It's cold, boring, and they are difficult.

I snapped (am nine weeks pg, awful morning sickness, and grumpy) and said Please, can we not? There are so many other places I' d rather go.

Then it all came out.

His mum has been unwelcoming to me from the start. From day 1 of meeting her she went on and on about DH's ex and father of his 12 year old dd. Producing photos, constantly talking about her, saying she'd found a few old things of DH's in his old room which would inevitably be letters from her or pictures or something. Pictures of DH's ex all over the place (none of me, still!)

She is very bad tempered and has completely lost it with my DD 14 (not DH's biological daughter) before, swearing and shouting like a nutcase. She and FIL totally favour DSD over DD - their birthdays are around the same time for example, DSD always receives a giant card with a handwritten poem, To Darling X, DD gets a small card. They never say a cross word to DSD but are always sniping at my DD. DH and I have a ds of 18 months, recently they set up a photo of DSD and DS (their real grandchildren) and all but told DD not to be in it.

FIL is difficult too, he has mental health issues and drinks. He is very unsafe around ds and does reckless things, picking him up and not holding him properly, bumping his pram along rocky steep inclines as a newborn when he was asked not to, etc. He is frankly quite odd and very egocentric, he is into creative writing and once wrote a love story about DH and his ex which I found, just bizarre.

DH adores his parents and treats me like a cow when I voice my complaints. I'm beginning to wonder, am I being a bad wife by complaining? Should I just put up with this as part of being a wife?

They sound utter tossers! But tbh I think your real problem is your DH because he obviously see nothing wrong in their behaviour. His loyalty is to you now and you need to have a frank discussion with him.

Out of interest, why did he split from his first wife?

They were both very young and had stuck together for sake of DSD. But incidentally, she couldn't stand ILs either and by the end was refusing to visit!

I guessed as much! Seriously, he is your problem far more than the ILs are. Sorry to be so blunt but
a) he can't think of anything better to do than go and see his parents on a lovely day
b) he treats you 'like a cow' when you say you don't want to
c) he allows his parents to treat you badly
d) he allows his parents to treat your DD / his DSD badly
e) he allows his father to put your DS at risk
f) this has been going on for 8 years!

You need to sit down with him and tell him that things MUST change.

I wish you luck
I've just had words with my husband over his Mother's treatment of me and our dcs
going on for 10 years now

I'm not expecting any change

The childrens photo issue would actually be a deal breaker for me.

I feel sorry for your dd.

yes DD hates going to visit them. we have also holidayed with them for the past few years, they've come to our holiday house(they are total freeloaders), I've said no more to that too and have been made to feel like a bitch.

Yep, you don't have a PIL problem, you have a DH problem.

I find it really sad to hear how they are treating your DD. I grew up as part of a step family as my mother died when I was a baby and my father remarried. So we had 3 sets of grandparents- my father's side, my mother's side and my step mothers side. None of them treated any of us any differently, even when my half sister came along. We all got the same sorts of presents and were all included in photos. My maternal grandparents even had a photo of my half sister on their wall along with the rest of their grandchildren. I realise this might not be usual, but even if his parents don't feel the same way about your DD they would never let it show so obviously if they were half decent people. After all, she is the sister of their beloved grandson. Your DH needs to put his foot down.

You feel disloyal and a bad wife?

Think you should be more concerned for your dd than your h tbh.

Been there done that but the difference was DH took my side, he was willing to cut contact and MIL realised what she would lose so backed down a bit. I still have not been back to their house nearly 5 years later. MIL thought sun shone out of DH's ex and I have always felt uncomfortable in her house. My parents on the other hand treat DH as another son, just like my GP's treated my dad, and he would rather spend time with them over his own parents.
I found honesty was the best way to go and once I told him what bugged me he could see it for himself. Good luck xxx

In fact I should add to that and say YOU should put your foot down and not allow your DD to be treated as second rate.

I have told my DH how angry their treatment of DD makes me, but he def thinks I am being unreasonable. I guess by refusing to go any more and refusing to go on holiday with them I am putting my foot down.

I have tried to point out that most people don't go on holiday with their parents every year and we need some breathing space from them but I feel stifled, they constantly phone and email asking when we are going through next. The bottom line is I am not willing to have my DD develop an inferiority complex and be treated like second best and if that means they don't get to see DS as much then so be it, it's their own fault for behaving in such a crappy way.

Problem is they are such an unbelievably close family and DH's three siblings all DO holiday with them and stay with them regularly, one of them actually still lives with them aged 32. So I just get made to feel like the cow that is stopping them all from being together all the time by refusing to go any more. I have a good marriage to DH apart from this, sometimes I wish they lived on the other side of the world!

no advice other than to say they sound vile, but the issue is more your dh than them. he accepts this from your ILs? unless he accepts that there is an issue, then there is little you can do other than refuse to see them.

i feel very sorry for your dd, she shouldn't have to put up with it and YANBU to limit her exposure to them.

i am probably being unreasonable here myself, but your dh's family seems unusually close. i can't imagine holidaying with my ILs OR my parents every year, not least because they have independent lives of their own.

I am so sorry for your situation and glad you have finally put your foot down. I also put my foot down about going to MIL this Easter because I am 7 months pregnant, have scaffold up all over the house (security risk) and I just want to stay at home. We have had a lovely day in the garden, kids played in paddling pool and DH and I sat about reading and chilling.

DH gets it in the neck from his mum and she phoned in tears this week saying we were keeping her grandchildren from her. DH finds this hard and passes on the guilt to me. BUT I am not taking it anymore. I am putting us first. We need to have family time too. DH is not home much.

Be strong and remember that you have to think about the members of your family and do not get caught in the trap of trying to please everyone.