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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how much of a control freak are you?

24 replies

bananasinpjamas · 22/04/2011 01:12

Its funny,My dad is so laid back he is horizontal, whereas my mum is a bit of a self confessed control freak when it comes to parenting stuff. Thought this could make a interesting thread.

Do you feel...

Do you think you are?
Too much?
Too little?
Good?
Bad?
Do you find you can let your DCs make their own decisions without trying to heavily influence them?
Do you take a back seat and get on with it, and let them figure out cause and effect?

Thought this could make an interesting thread! :)

Edit: Realised I may of posted in wrong place, oops :P

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 01:18

It depends

Some things I'm a stickler for, other stuff I'm a bit lax.

But for me, the important thing is to be consistent in what I'm strict/lax on.

It's very confusing and ineffective to chop and change your stance randomly, the DC don't know where they stand.

If pushed I would say I'm a bit on the overprotective side, but that's something I can live with.

What about you nanasinpjs?

Original poster

bananasinpjamas · 22/04/2011 01:29

My mum has always been a one for trying to very heavily influence us into making certain decisions using 'choice' as a bit of a cover, a bit like "Well, you could do that but then x will happen and wouldn't you find that hard?" or "Or the other option is to do this, wouldn't you feel so much more comfortable to do this?".

Whereas my dad is very laid back, real one for saying just let us get on with it and we will learn from our decisions/mistakes. Would say my mum is a tad OP, but then I am her pfb :P

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 22/04/2011 06:56

I honestly don't think I am a control freak at all. I am pretty lax about most things, the only thing I am adamant about with DD is her manners. She has been complimented on these on more than one occasion.

b1uebells · 22/04/2011 07:34

Yes am bit of control freak! It's my way or the highway round here. Yes the dc can make their own choices but only from mummy's pre chosen options e.g. What do you want to wear today round here means ' pick one of these 2 outfits I have chosen for you'. And I always do their hair!

But it works for us as they know the expectations e.g. Tidy up toys after you finish playing, put dirty washing in basket.

onceamai · 22/04/2011 07:43

I like to control the bigger things - which schools they go to and have gone to the extent of being a governor to beat the excellence drum. What they chose to wear/eat every day - don't much care.

exoticfruits · 22/04/2011 07:54

I thought that I was a control freak until I started reading MN and now realise that I am amazingly liberal!! (I wish my DCs realised).

exoticfruits · 22/04/2011 07:55

Making choices from 'mummy's options are fine but if you carry that on too heavily after about the age of 7yrs you are stacking up trouble ahead.

CareyFakes · 22/04/2011 07:57

I'm not that much of a control freak when it comes to DD, I'm quite laid back. I am anxious when she is away from me but that's down to our set up with it just being me and her.

I let her tell me what she wants, but she has boundaries I stick to and she, so far respects them. Being too controlling would be detrimental to her imo.

lljkk · 22/04/2011 08:01

I was raised by two laid back parents, the virtue of not being too fussy about small things was highly promoted in my household. I suppose my parents could have been more in tune with my problems growing up, but mostly I like their style. So I am pretty laid back.

DH was raised by parents who were fussy about Everything and think it's extremely shameful not to be (maintaining "standards")... makes for some "interesting" disagreements in our household.

Violethill · 22/04/2011 08:12

Onceamai- I think im like you. The really big things in life- yes, as a parent I'd want some control. The day to day stuff like what to wear - well, words fail me when I read about people offering their child a ' choice' of two outfits. My children dressed themselves from about age two. I believe learning to make decisions is a really important skill, and surely its vital to start with things which don't matter much, and where the consequence of a 'poor'' choice is just a badly co ordinated outfit rather than something important!

exoticfruits · 22/04/2011 08:16

I save it for the big things and I have well known boundries, within that they sort out the rest. Certainly with things like clothes- they have chosen what to wear from very early on-if you get an odd combination does it matter?

I certainly believe in them thinking for themselves.

onceamai · 22/04/2011 08:29

On the two choices issue though, because the DH is almost entirely disinterested in the house and what's in it, when we redecorate or recover I do tend to narrow things down to two types of fabric (did it with a kitchen once) and ask him to chose between two things I like very much so he thinks he's in complete control.

justpaddling · 22/04/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

houseworkwhore · 22/04/2011 10:25

I am a massive control freek. Although it is something I am working on.

I think I set my expectations to high. I.e. I expect dd to be totally quite and well behaved when we are out and get very annoyed when she is shouting and drawing attention to us (she is 1 so I no this is a ridiculous expectation)

With dp I expect him to do as I ask him to do if he doesn't there is hell to pay (crazy lady emotion).

Dp? He is so laid back he is horizontal which drives me insane as when I could do with him being a bit more irrational he never is.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 22/04/2011 10:29

FreakyMcFreakerson, here! [bugrin] I am appalling. I have to sit on my hands while 3 yr old DS1 is doing crafts. I never trust anyone else to do anything properly. I get it from my mum. [buhmm]

Prunnhilda · 22/04/2011 10:45

I like things to go according to my own unspoken plan, yes
I do realise this is unreasonable and try not to inflict it on anyone else (except dh ).

atswimtwolengths · 22/04/2011 11:59

But houseworkwhore you say, "With dp I expect him to do as I ask him to do if he doesn't there is hell to pay" - why would any adult want to live with someone like that? I'm serious - why can't he do as he wants to do?

Prunnhilda · 22/04/2011 12:29

It does sound like something from one of those 'leave the bastard immediately' threads.

houseworkwhore · 22/04/2011 12:36

O fuck off. U know nothing about me. I had a nervous breakdown in january and Like I said I am working on them.

jeckadeck · 22/04/2011 13:03

Surely the more important question is "is it better to be a control freak or better to be so laid back you hardly move?" and in which areas of parenting is control better. I ask because my parents were super controlling in some areas (education, basically, which they were beyond obsessed with) but were very laid back about others (tidiness, what time we could stay out until, drinking etc.) Like many other kids of liberal parents I kind of wish I'd been more parented at times, but that may just be a case of the grass being greener. Would like to hear what anyone else thinks. When is it more important to be a control freak and when is it counterproductive?

atswimtwolengths · 22/04/2011 13:25

No need to tell me to fuck off, houseworkwhore.

atswimtwolengths · 22/04/2011 13:26

I think when it comes to the child's health, safety and reaching full potential (ie getting some qualifications) then it's fine to want to control the situation if the child is putting himself/herself in some kind of danger.

I don't call that being a control freak.

houseworkwhore · 22/04/2011 17:53

well there is really, as the op started a light hearted thread and you jump on me without knowing anything to do with me or my story and make it into a row in true mumsnet style!!! maybe in future you should think before you put your pennys worth in

CheerfulYank · 22/04/2011 18:11

Everyone's entitled to their opinion :) Let's get back to the light heartedness, ok? I understand where housework was coming from, because my DH can't always "do what he likes" because what he likes to do is nothing. And if I didn't nag occasionally nothing would be done and our house repair would be shambles. Likewise, if he didn't nag occasionally I probably wouldn't get out of bed before noon on weekends. :) It's a give and take.

About the parenting thing, it depends. DH is much more controlling about what he perceives to be "safety issues", whereas I am more of the "kids get bumps and bruises, all part of childhood" school. But I am more controlling on manners and "we do not speak to mama and daddy that way" stuff.

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