to not want to re-connect with old friend because she is dating a married man

8 replies

crje · 21/04/2011 22:10

Met old friend by accident and went for coffee,we were chatting away getting on great.Then she said remember * from work,im seeing him but its complicated,he is married.The marriage is "over" but they live together.The wife got pnd after no1 and has not been the same since(his story)She is with him 3 yrs he has two kids aged 5 & 2,she said the 2yr old was a slip on the part of the guy.She loves him and knows they will be together one day.....
They are not keepng the affair a big secret and some of their familys know.The wife has no family here,all live abroad.

Am married myself and have kids and know things can slide and be hard but its best to end one relationship before stsrting another imo.

She wants to keep in touch and I like the other bits if her but I disapprove of her relationship.......HELP

OP posts:

millie30 · 21/04/2011 22:24

I think it's up to whether her good qualities outweigh what you think of this relationship. If you wants to confide in you about it that could become quite tricky.

MaisyMooCow · 21/04/2011 22:27

I have a friend of 20 years who is in a similar situation. I was shocked at first when I found out she was dating a married man. I chose to continue our friendship, it is not for me to judge that part of her life. I just choose not to listen to her babble on about her wanting him to leave his wife, I want no part of it.

Vallhala · 21/04/2011 22:27

What's the difficulty? If you've only met her the once after some while of absence surely you don't necessarily have to keep in touch if you don't want to. You can always let it slide, be busy if she calls suggesting a meet-up etc and she'll no doubt get the hint.

That said I don't think I'd feel as you do. For example, I have a very dear friend who is kind, thoughtful, generous of her time, efforts and money to others, clever, loads of things I respect and admire including being a dedicated and helpful fellow volunteer for a dog rescue. She is also pro hunting... and I'm a dyed in the wool anti-hunt campaigner and animal rights activist.

Despite our differences in that one, big issue I still value the friendship of this remarkable, special lady. I respect that she is entitled to her opinion and although she knows mine we agree to differ. We've never fallen out over it and we never will. Sometimes I feel that we have to put personal differences aside and this particular friend is worth doing that for. Admittedly very few people would be worth it but C is.

I'd suggest that you sleep on it and have a good think before you lose a good friend over just one thing that she does and you wouldn't. Maybe you'll find more good in your friend than "bad" and you might be able to explain that you would rather not hear of it but would prefer to talk of other things without losing her friendship.

nulliusxinxverbax · 21/04/2011 22:28

Id stay well clear, Im sorry but people who fall for these "its all over has been for ages," or "we dont sleep together anymore, just together for the kids / mortgage / family" lines are stupid, and selfish.

I have been given grief before over my views, but I have no sympathy, whatsoever, for anyone involved with a married person. I have no time for stupidity either, and waiting around for him to leave his wife definatly falls into that catagory.

And sorry but WTF??? It was never the same after PND?? Oh well thats ok then, your wife gave birth to YOUR child and got depressed, how awfull for you, you better go fuck someone else quick. Really.

plupedantic · 21/04/2011 22:29

Did you go suddenly cold when it got to this point in the conversation? If so, that's your answer - you don't want to be friends with her, and you would have felt the same if it were a potential new friend who suddenly said something racist or paedophiliac.

The fact that you are posting this question makes me wonder whether you know already what you want to do, and want support to justify yourself. That's reasonable, by the way: who wouldn't be unsure of herself, faced with confidence like hers?

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 21/04/2011 22:39

You have to decide what you are looking for in a friend. If it is the same morals and values in relationships, then you don't contact her again. If it is one of many other things, continue the friendship but explain that you are uncomfortable with the married man issue and ask her not to discuss it with you. Then the ball is in her court over whether she values the other aspects of your company enough to leave out this subject of conversation. Be honest with each other and decide what you are and are not willing to accept.

Original poster

crje · 24/04/2011 00:18

Am still unsure having thought on it,my impression is that she would like me to be a friend who knows them as a unit.
Ive been the frazzled new mother and know it is very easy to tune out of your marriage when babies arrive,It could be an excuse for every man to stray.I identify more with his wife but I wasn't married to a sh*t.

Think Ive answered my question.
I can't be the friend she is looking for,thinking about them makes me so cross,I don't think id be able to put it aside.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 24/04/2011 00:27

Then fair enough, crje, perhaps you can be "busy" with babe, DH, in laws, appointments, health visitor and so on if she makes further contact and assuming that you don't want to bluntly tell her to get lost and why. Only the most thick-skinned person wouldn't get the hint after a couple of rejections and then you can let it slide.

I still think it's a pity in a way but that's just me projecting my own experiences with my pro-hunt friend and of course I accept that we're all different. There's no point in being constantly ill at ease and unhappy in someone's company and then it's perhaps best just to let the friendship go.

Flip