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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle with this a bit.

15 replies

choc1 · 21/04/2011 17:46

So my good friend died in January.

Still cant believe she has gone.

Her kids are 8 & 11. Her dh is round at our house most weekends for various reasons and of course he brings his son.
I find myself looking at him (the 8 year old) and well up. He talks about her, and i dont discourage it. But i wish i could be braver, he is and its his mum, and he is a little boy.
He is just SO like her.

The lead up to mothers day & mothers day was a bitch, but they got through it.

sigh, its just hard, so hard.

OP posts:
TeddyBare · 21/04/2011 17:51

YANBU at all. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a really difficult situation.
If you can't talk to her dc about your friend, could you look through any old photos of her you have and let them have a look. Talking can be really difficult but some kind of gesture to show that you're still thinking of her and of them might be nice if you can.

elmofan · 21/04/2011 18:05

You sound like a lovely friend choc1 Smile

crashingwaves · 21/04/2011 18:09

You are being brave because you're welcoming them into your life, and showing them love and support - many people don't, they find grief makes them sad so avoid people. You just don't FEEL it because you feel sad - totally understandable xxx

I think winston's wish works with bereaved children - maybe look at the website? x

DontGoCurly · 21/04/2011 18:19

Course you are not being u !!

You sound so nice and are still grieving. I just did my first Mothers day since my Mam died so I know how hard it is. So God knows how that little fella and his Dad got through it.

I am often weepy at wrong times. It's really hard but all you can do is yoru best. My heart goes out to you OP.

springydaffs · 21/04/2011 18:22

My kid's dad died and I too couldn't help the tears cascading down my face - but they asked me not to and I had to make an herculian effort not to cry. He wasn't my best friend by a long chalk but it broke me up that my kids had to go through that (and are still going through it). So don't let him see you well up - he probably wants everything to be as normal as possible while he deals with his grief in his own way (it may not come out for many years - boys, in general, seem to process grief in a different way to girls and the last thing he wants is for you to feel sorry for him). I am so sorry you have lost your good friend choc1 xx

DontGoCurly · 21/04/2011 18:24

Oops sorry OP, I meant to say hard for them but very hard for you too. All my sympathies on your loss x

jeckadeck · 21/04/2011 18:42

You don't sound unreasonable at all: you sound like a caring and sensitive friend who is struggling with grief over the death of a close friend. I don't really know how your showing your grief will affect them but if its honestly held sentiment I can't see it can be doing them any harm. Far worse to pretend everything's OK, IMO. And good that you are continuing to support them.

Einsteinolonger · 21/04/2011 18:43

YANBU.

hairfullofsnakes · 21/04/2011 19:01

I am very sorry for your loss x

lazarusb · 21/04/2011 19:17

Your support will be invaluable to their family. I lost a good friend too who had an 11 year old dd at the time. It is hard but you will all get through it together.
You need to deal with and show your grief too, it's normal. It would be awful for them if they felt you were holding back.

linroz · 22/04/2011 22:30

You sound great. I lost my husband 3 years ago and really struggled at the weekends. My best friend and her family were wonderful, and knew I found Sunday afternoons really hard (I have 4 kids, at that time from 1 year up to 12 years). We met up every Sunday sometimes for dinner, sometimes just for a cuppa. Their time and support was invaluable to me, and we were all treated like part of their family. As time has gone on, we meet less often but they helped us all so much, even though I am sure it was not easy for them too. Of course yanbu, you are being a true friend

OldMumsy · 22/04/2011 22:36

Don't be brave, just carry on being yourself. It's a really bad thing thats happened and being true about the effect will help her kids understand that they are not alone in their loss. Always be true to yourself.
xxx

Vallhala · 22/04/2011 22:37

You are being brave and I'm sure you're very much appreciated. It takes a brave person to put their own grief aside for the sake of others and to be there for bereaved friends when some might avoid them because they don't know what to do or say.

You should be very proud of yourself and please, please, don't put yourself down by thinking that you should be braver still.

And please, find time and space, maybe a listening ear if that helps, to offload your own grief too.

Go easy on yourself. I'm very sorry for your loss and for the loss which your friend and his family are suffering.

lazarusb · 23/04/2011 10:12

I think that sometimes it's better to say the 'wrong' thing than to say nothing at all. I know when I've been bereaved the friendships that have suffered are the ones who avoided any contact until I'd 'got over it' (about 2 months apparently Hmm). I think you are doing a great thing and you should give yourself credit for that.

TurnBackTimeee · 03/09/2023 10:10

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