Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried my baby will love my childminder more than me

22 replies

stdorothymantooth · 21/04/2011 13:53

Title says it all really. Back at work when ds is just 6 months old as she will be his primary caregiver 5 days a week 8 til 5 and shell be doing all the fun stuff with him that I do now, I.worry he will start to see her more as his "mummy" than me. Is that weird? Am I just being a bit mad?

OP posts:
DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 21/04/2011 13:57

YABU. Although you will have to make a real effort to be available when you are both together. IME babies always love their mummies (obviously excluding any abuse issues etc) but if mummy were to not talk to or play with baby during the time they do have together, it could damage the relationship. Enjoy the time you have with DS and make it count.

You are being a bit mad Wink but I think most parents who work have this concern to begin with.

violethill · 21/04/2011 13:58

Yabu- babies know who their mummy and daddy are and love them best Smile Look on it as a positive thing though, when your baby develops a close and loving relationship with other people too.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 13:59

YANBU for wondering...........my DS went to a CM when he was 20 weeks old........ YABU though for seriously thinking it tho

You're his mum - he wont love anyone like he loves you, well not for the forst 10 years or so anyway Wink

Insomnia11 · 21/04/2011 14:00

YANBU to worry but he'll still love you best, honest.

maypole1 · 21/04/2011 14:01

it depends on how long your planning to leave babay with childminder, when i worked in a nursery we often had babies who were beingging to talk call their key workers mum, because they spent 8-6 ith us and only 3 or so hours with the parents and it was very rare but did have babaies who would cry when their mums came but i strongly surpect these had aupairs or nanaies when they gopt home so mum was spending next to no time with babay

jojowest · 21/04/2011 14:01

she probably will in her own mind

after all he is with the childminder the majority of the time

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 14:01

YANBU to worry but YABU to believe it will happen. What DingDong says basically. Your baby will always know you are Mummy. It is understandable that you will worry about things as you prepare to go back to work. It is natural. But it is also natural for baby to know Mummy and Daddy.

CurrySpice · 21/04/2011 14:02

I can totally understand your worry but I can assure you he will love you just as much as now, if not more

Love isn't something that is cut in half so we can love two people, it just multiplies instead (as I discovered when I had DD2 after worrying that I could never love anyone else as much as DD1)

And you will be so glad that he loves his CM too because that means he'll be happy

Groovee · 21/04/2011 14:03

I worked in a baby room and the babies were always excited when they saw mum or dad. They always knew the difference between us and their parents. But I think it's not unreasonable to worry about it.

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 14:03

Betty here we go again! We say pretty much the same and love your sage words, "well, not for the first 10 years or so anyway"!!!

charitygirl · 21/04/2011 14:05

It just doesn't work like that! My mum worked fulltime from about 3 months and I always always always loved her best! What you feel for CMs and nannies, even if they're lovely, doesn't even come close.

cat64 · 21/04/2011 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 14:10

Champers great minds and all that!!! My DS things I am the dogs bollox at the moment but as soon as he gets a girlfriend I am under no illusions...ok, maybe not ten but you know what I'm sayingWink

Get0rfMoiLand · 21/04/2011 14:12

YANBU to think it - I certainly did when dd went to a childminder FT at 3 months.

But of course she won't - DD loves me and always has viewed me as her mum. Nothing confuses that. She is 15 now and we are very, very close despite my having been a working mother all through her childhood. She says that when she has children she will work as well as it is the best of both worlds. It is certainly not damaging.

Look at it this way - most people's fathers worked FT when they were children, probably right from birth. People generally don't grow up not knowing who their father is, or being confused, or loving them less, just because they don't see them during the day.

violethill · 21/04/2011 14:12

Ive just asked dd, age 20 and on Easter vac from uni, what she thinks about this, as a baby who went to a cm from age 12 weeks.
She says 'bollocks' - so there we have it - officially!
Oh and she also added that she's glad shes always had working parents - not sure whether that's because I've just this minute written out a rent cheque to tide her over...... Smile

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 14:16

Violet, I love that your DD has confirmed that it is officially 'bollocks'! And perhaps the cheque did have something to do with it Wink Smile

worraliberty · 21/04/2011 14:16

My mate's CM was her grandmother and she always loved her more than her own mum...still does actually.

I thik the reason for this is that her mum never had any time for her and acted as though she was still single and child free.

Quality time is what defines relationships OP...give as much of that as you can and I'm sure there'll be no problems.

flipflopfly · 21/04/2011 14:17

Nope - my son is a toal mummy's boy and he was with a nanny from 12 months, and my DD who is the most independent wee thing you could meet and with a nanny from 6 months, will always ask for me - if she concends to ask for anyone that is!
However I agree with Betty - regardless of your early year child care arrangements - come a certain age you are nothing :)

Get0rfMoiLand · 21/04/2011 14:19

Grin Violet

I have had crises of confidence in the past, and have asked dd if she would have preferred me to have stayed at home and not worked.

Her reply was in the same vein as Violet's daughter - she looked Hmm and said 'don't be stupid mum'

Original poster
stdorothymantooth · 21/04/2011 14:19

Thank you so much for your responses I feel a little less crazy now, I think its just hit me that I have to go back to work soon and I'm going to miss him so much in the day. I just love him so much and it hurts to think someone else will be picking him up and cuddling him when he cries.

OP posts:
BrainSurgeon · 21/04/2011 14:22

Good luck with going back to work OP, it's hard - I know - heartbreaking :(
Don't worry your little one will never love anyone more than he loves you :)

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 14:24

I so know where you are coming from OP - I had major guilt issues when I went back to work when DS was tiny but you know what.....I loved it!!! I love that I got to be ME all day, get some great adult conversation going, keep my brain active with work stuff and it so made me appreciate my time with DS as well.

Just dont get in the trap I did...I used to feel so guilty for leaving him I started buying him little gifts here and there.....when it got to the point when one day I turned up to collect him and he asked me "what you got me today" I stopped, lol.......

But yeah, dont worry, you will have crazy thoughts but once you are back in the swing of things you will be fine.....My DS is well at school now and I am so glad that I went back to work and kept my job going xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page