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To have binned MIL Easter cards - long(ish)

45 replies

carocaro · 21/04/2011 10:47

Long story short, DH has not spoken to his MIL since Christmas, well one brief conversation. She apparently blames me, for what we don't know and we have asked. I was not involved in any row, MIL and FIL had a stinker of a row over something and we left as DS's could hear it all.


She has sent Easter cards to me & DH (my name is barely legibale!) and the children, omitting the words 'lots of love' which she usually writes in the card, but putting it in the children's cards with 'really hope to see you soon' and £10 each.

I chucked the cards but will give the cash to the kids. I just can't bear the hypocrisy eg: row, blame someone else without explanation then try and creep to the kids with 'hope to see you soon' and cash.

For me, she needs to spit out what the problem is and apologise for their shitty behavior. I don't do 'swweping under the carpet' / 'dancing around the issue'

I know I have been slightly unreasonable but I feel I have a valid reason, I just can't forget it and swallow it, because I have not idea what it's all about.

I want them to be part of DS's lives but after many odd moments of behavior from both FIL and MIL I have had enough, it's eggshells galore everytime we see them eg: last time we had a holiday with them they rowed about picking blackberries, three food at each other and FIL spent the night on Dartmoor in the pitch black!

OP posts:
GeekCool · 21/04/2011 10:49

You chucked the cards but kept the cash and you think she is hypocritical? YABVU

grovel · 21/04/2011 10:51

Have you got a SiL or BiL who can find out what the problem is?

fedupofnamechanging · 21/04/2011 10:52

I think you are entitled to know what the problem is, but I think you were wrong to bin the cards but keep the cash. The card may be a peace offering of sorts. I think you should have returned everything to her, with a note saying that you are happy to talk and try to iron out whatever has upset her, but until she wants to do that, you'd prefer her not to send money to the DC.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 21/04/2011 10:52

YABVU to chuck the cards.....but the tenner is good enough to keep is it? Shocking behaviour.

Pagwatch · 21/04/2011 10:52

You have been unreasonable.
You shouldn't stand between a harmless exchange between your children and their grandparent.
You have been petty I'm afraid.

I don't mean to sound harsh - aim sure you are right to be annoyed. But you have effectively used the children to punish her. I am not sure you meant to do that but it's not good. Ripping up a card from their grandparent is a bit grim.

Ormirian · 21/04/2011 10:52

What geek said Shock

carocaro · 21/04/2011 10:53

Have a Sil and she has not responded to any requests to shed light.

And yes GeekCool I know that is seems hypocritical, but would you chuck away £20 in the bin? The kids will use it, not me! No one is going to buy their way into my childrens affection.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 21/04/2011 10:55

yep, what geek said

carocaro · 21/04/2011 10:55

But she needs to realise that screaming at her husband and smashing glasses in front of her grandchildren and shouting she wants to drown is not acceptable. Neither is trying to buy back their affection with a £10 each. Cheap and low.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 21/04/2011 10:55

Gobsmacked you chucked the cards, gobsmacked you kept the money. If I were your dh I'd be incredibly annoyed with you. You sound very petty and hypocritical.

Groovee · 21/04/2011 10:56

I'd have returned it all. I don't have contact with dh's SIL and bro or their kids but I don't stop them gifting them their crap presents or cards. You are being unreasonable and hypocritical if you've kept the money and binned the cards.

Dropdeadfred · 21/04/2011 10:56

If you felt so strongly you should have returned all the cards to her including the money stating that you would have felt hypocritical accepting them. No way should you have kept the money

carocaro · 21/04/2011 10:56

Karma - yes I think you have a good idea, I was annoyed when I saw the cards and acted rashly, me and DH have left her messages to try and talk it throught, but she has ignored them all.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 21/04/2011 10:56

I expect sending a tenner was far easier than posting their easter eggs.

GeekCool · 21/04/2011 10:57

Ripping up a card from their grandparent is a bit grim.

Totally agree with Pagwatch here.

So what will you tell the kids about the money? Will you tell them Gran sent money in a card and I chucked the card but kept the cash as you know that is the decent thing to do?

It doesn't seem hypocritical it is.

DuelingFanjo · 21/04/2011 10:57

are you going to tell them where the money came from?

get your dh to talk to his parents about their behaviour. I suspect you have histore?

Pagwatch · 21/04/2011 10:57

Now you are sounding more unreasonable rather than less so.

If you don't want her buying their affection then send the money back. You should have done the opposite of what you did. You should have given the children the cards and sent the money back.

Take a moment. You are being unpleasant to your children as well as your mil. Is that what you want?

StaryNightSky · 21/04/2011 10:59

Sorry, If you and DH think you are in the right, and are protecting your DC then you have to take the HIGH road. Which means you return the CARDS and the MONEY.

You cannot possibly keep the money.

If you like right a letter back signed from BOTH you and DH saying that you will not be accepting gifts on behalf of the DC untill the Problem is resolved.

Grandparents have to treat the Parents with repect if they want to be involved with the DC.

My view on this is very coloured as we have a HUGE problem with MIL, police, legal action, etc.

BUT you CANNOT KEEP the money.

DELHI · 21/04/2011 11:01

I don't do 'swweping under the carpet' / 'dancing around the issue' yet it's 'eggshells galore' when you see them. You need to have a sensible, grown up face to face with her and find out what the problem is. Otherwise you're all going nowhere
And I do agree, throwing the cards away but keeping the cash is petty - not a good example to your DCs

BarbieLovesKen · 21/04/2011 11:01

Yes. YABVU. Nuts.

diddl · 21/04/2011 11:01

You should have sent everything back unopened.

They sound odd & I wouldn´t want my children having anything to do with them tbh.

carocaro · 21/04/2011 11:01

Anyway it's too late now they are squashed up in the bin, so yes a tad rash.

What I can't do with is the unacknowledgement of MIL and FIL behavior in front of my kids, which underpinned my quick card binning behavior. you can't buy love, it's as simple as that.

I am going to send the £ back.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 21/04/2011 11:03

"But she needs to realise that screaming at her husband and smashing glasses in front of her grandchildren and shouting she wants to drown is not acceptable. Neither is trying to buy back their affection with a £10 each"

And keeping the money will help how?

If she said all that she sounds unbalanced and unhappy. Could you perhaps focus on that rather than the fact she made a scene?

carocaro · 21/04/2011 11:03

Thanks, when you are angry it's hard to see past it, but my first priority is my children, after all, it was no fun trying to explain to DS1 aged 7 why his 'grandma wanted to drown' - not necessary ever.

OP posts:
SouthGoingZax · 21/04/2011 11:07

She's sending an olive branch, and you are essentially saying "stuff your olive branch up your arse"

Grow up and stop acting like a child. Your children deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Part of your job as a parent is to facilitate and mediate this. If you think the GPs are a bit bonkers, supervise the contact. It may be that actually you had done something to really upset them and they were justifiably angry at Christmas.

When they send cards to the family saying "hope to see you soon" and you chuck them in the bin, I know who comes across as the bonkers and unreasonable one. You.

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