NEED ADVICE ON THIS ONE....

[flyinstar]

was in the garden this evening ,when my next door neighbour asked if she could have a word,she said" can you move your trampoline,as when your kids bounce on it, it is causing my pergoda to wobble",.i said"but we only moved it there this morning",she said"i know,but the man we had to fix it last year,said it was because of your kids jumping on the trampoline".nothing apparently to do with the fact that they decided to build the supports for a pergoda on top of a small single storey wall that is really old.to cut a long story short,i would move trampoline,to keep peace,if i need to.
now i am a fairly amicable person,and i do not want to get into a war with my neighbour,but the next remark(one of many over the last five years,has got me really angry at her).
we have a son with special needs who screams (when he is happy or sad),he is autistic,and has severe uncontrolled epilepsy.
she said,and by the way your sons screaming,is so loud in my living room,that i can,t hear myself think".now to be fair he is loud,but what does she expect me to do,he is who he is....
but this on top of remarks like"the council should of notified us,(she has bought her home) before moving someone like into there",.it was like the straw that broke the camels back tonight,can,t believe some people can be so unfeeling towards someone with special needs,
aibu,to feel as upset as i do,because ,i really did feel like slapping her,but i did walk away,saying",i don,t know what you expect me to do about that,i can,t gag him",she didn,t answer me......
what would you do?......

Now you see, there's me as a nieghbour would be more likely to ask a family living next door if there was anything I could do to help rather than complain.

That applies equally to my elderly neighbours who insist on doing the hoovering in their spare bedroom which adjoins mine at 6.30 on a Saturday morning and the family on the otherside who work on the kids trial bikes before loading them up on a Sunday morning ....

my compromise involves letting people live thier own lives :)

And where are the councils that have so much accommodation going spare that they can afford to house all families with noisy SN children in detached houses? Where is the money? Where are the tax payers willing to fork out the money for more council housing?

Emsyj - I was one of the people who said she was a rude bitch. No matter how noisey flyinstar's DS is how is this an appropriate comment to make.... the council should of notified us,(she has bought her home) before moving someone like into there - just how?

I agree that neighbour noise is annoying - there's a little girl around here who has a sister/friend/dog called Chelsea... she shouts for her day in, day out in the weekends/after school/holidays. I have 5 preschool children who live along our little private bit of road - they treat the front of my house under my windows as part of their garden too, one has just learnt to whistle (I wish! she's learnt to do this ear piercing scream that she thinks is whistling!!), the young parents of all these preschoolers sit out together most nights, chatting, playing music, having a laugh. The little girl over the back fence plays the flute - she's not bad, but I do wish she'd learn another tune, the two she knows are a little repetitive - she has a couple of brothers who fight like cat & dog, mostly on their trampoline which is right against the fence, they always have friends playing in their lovely big garden. The lad next door, who is about 18 has SN and although he doesn't shout too much he does pace outside my window a lot (he just likes being outside rather than in the house, but doesn't go too far from home on his own), the neighbours over the side fence are building their own extension (let's just say I could be collecting my pension before they get it finished ) do I need to go on?

Do I sometimes think 'Shut the fuck up would you!!!!' abso-bloody-lutely Would I ever complain.... well, I haven't yet, but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be to the parents of the lad next door who has SN - even if he did shout all of the time. He is the ONLY one who cannot change his behaviour - his parents have enought to cope with, without worrying unduly about how it's affecting the neighbours.

If she really can't cope with the level of noise, she has every right to speak to flyin to let her know how loud it is in her house (in case she wasn't aware) and to see if there is anything either of them can do to reduce the impact it has on her. I'm sure flyin would be willing to discuss it and if there is something she can reasonably do, then do it - but her son is her son and she can't change his SN can she??

As for being housed in a detatched house - I'm sure flyin would love that too - far less stressful!! Sadly there's not exactly a glut of detatched social housing houses.

That's really generous of you Liza but not everyone is in a position to do that.

I've been a person who has been unable to open her windows or use the garden in the height of summer ... Due to persistent noisy neighbours.

I am currently woken up at half six every day by next doors "terrible twos" toddler .... I find it annoying but... I can put up with it - theres a difference.

It's a problem when it is persistent, regular and lasts for long periods. It can drive you seriously stressed.

There must be a way to keep everyone happy - of course your son can't help the way he is, but that is not your neighbours fault, and she is entitled, as others have said, to quiet enjoyment of her own property.

I think we all need to be considerate to our neighbours, whatever the circumstances.

I think your neighbour approached this very badly and I can see why she has upset you. I think perhaps, she doesn't understand about your sons SN. Until I started reading MN, I was pretty ignorant about these things too. Perhaps she doesn't have access to something like MN, which would show life from someone else's pov and help her to understand.

I think from her position, she is thinking that she has spent a lot of money on her house and now has to listen to someone screaming and it is affecting her wish to have peace in her own home. Of course, you could have bought your house too and she would still have the same issue so you being a council tenant should have no bearing really.

In an average sized garden, where you put the trampoline will make no difference to the noise she hears. I would ask to come round and see if it is affecting her pergola before deciding whether to move it or not.

I would also ask the council about soundproofing, if that's possible, because it's not nice to hear someone screaming even if you know they can't help it. I would also not let my child play out in the garden all day, so she does get some quiet time.

This is difficult for all concerned, but it would be better for you to remain on polite terms if possible, so try to talk to her about your son's SN so she will have some understanding. If she is continually nasty and unsympathetic, then at least you will have tried to keep the peace.

She was pretty rude, but jaysus have a thought for someone other than yourselves for a minute. Imagine living next to constant loud screaming and noise, it would drive me fucking batty. Have you actually explained to her why it is, and apologised to her?

The attitude seems to be, well he can't help it (which is fair enough), so fuck anyone else whose life is disrupted by it (which is not fair enough).

I think she was rude, thats not a question.

Could the trampoline be move away from her fence? I thinking maybe she is more annoyed about children appearing over the top periodically! I doubt though its affecting her plants that much - some plants are just not suitable for built up areas.

As far as her rudeness over your DS who has SN. The way she put it is disgraceful. I work in a SN school and sometimes after 6 hours of the constant noise I'm glad to get some peace at home. I know you have to put up with it too, and I know he can't help it, but I expect she's only commented now as its school holidays, the weather is nicer than normal and the DC's are out more than they have been for the past 8 months?

I think you need to invite her around for a chat maybe over a coffee or a glass. Find some compromise, explain your DS SN to her.

She may not have meant it to sound so rude and thats why it came out that way. But unless you talk to her its never going to get sorted.

hi all,thankyou for all your replys,dh and i are moving the trampoline this afternoon,back up the garden,away from her fence.....prob the least i can do.
but its still her remarks about our son,that have really got under my skin...
we have lived next door to her for 5 yrs now,she does understand the extent of sons sn,or you think she would,she is the manager of the complaints department at our local hospital.
we are detatched from her,our house is semi detatched to the other neighbour,who never complains.
we always apologise for his noise to both,i have let remarks slide over the years,due to the whole,"we have to live here,but how many more of these shitty remarks are we meant to take from her??

we do always shut the doors ,even on hot days if he is very vocal,we do try as i know it is annoying,suppose i,m just hurt!

emsyi,it sounds like you think all families with sn,should live out in the sticks..,is that not taking us back to the days of asylums,when sn,were locked away because they were different?
just for the record,this is the house allocated to us through ss.
i

I think it's very nice of you to move the trampoline especially under the circumstances.

I'm sitcking by my opinion that she's a bit of a cow if she's complaining about the noises your son makes. I'd love to suggest something that would help bring her round but it sounds like she's made up her mind to be irritated anyway and as I wouldn't have moved the trampoline anyway I'm going to tip my hat at the fact you are clearly a much nicer person than me :)

Have a trampoline party and invite all the local kids round :o

OK, that probably won't help matters but it might make you feel a bit better...

Some people just simply don't have social skills or the brains and you will never make them realise how unreasonable they are being. Just chalk it up to experience, rise above it, move the trampoline and ignore them wherever possible.

Oh and sod closing the doors, tough shit if he's being noisy, kids and special needs people do that!! Tis the way of the world and you shouldn't be made to feel you have to keep him quiet or shut the doors etc. That's her problem and NOT yours!

flyin

I am somebody who is bothered by noise A LOT.

But, you have clearly done everything you can to reduce the impact on her life. Sometimes, people niggle away at you until you stand up for yourself.

Next time she says something, say, calmly and directly, 'That is really offensive.'

Then walk away, even if she's not done 'having a word'. Seriously, what can she do to you? If she follows up, say, 'I am doing everything I can to minimise the disruption, but I will not listen to comments like that about my son.'

You owe it to yourself!

Some people find it hard to tolerate the noise of other peroples children I know I do, I've got a lot better since having my own children but the little 8 year old girl who I live next door to is a screamer. Does my head in TBH. I do know that I would be more understanding if she had a disability. I have also lived next door to someone who owned a massive trampoline and I would say they are a nightmare for the person living next door. You feel like your privacy is being invaded everytime a head bobs up and down over your garden. If I were you I would move the trampoline!

flyinstar I don't follow what you said to me. Are all detached properties 'out in the sticks' in your area then? That is not the case where I live.

Obviously there is bound to be a shortage/absence of detached properties available, so it might be impossible for you to be allocated one. But I have no idea why you would equate being allocated a detached property (so that the loud noises which you admit your DS makes) don't disturb others (when he is indoors at least) with being locked away in an asylum. This is a ridiculous analogy and so I cannot take you seriously any more.

I think noisy play outside at reasonable hours is fine, but that is not what I understood your neighbour to be complaining about - I thought she was complaining about the noise inside the house which disturbs her in her living room.

OP, I don't think thats what emsyi was saying at all.
Actually I have alot of sympathy with your neighbour. Yes she was extremely rude and ignorant, but I bet the screaming would drive most to madness,for sure.
Ds1 has very mild Sn, but does not scream. But even my two, 7 and 2, on our trampoline, can be a bit too much for our elderly neighbours. But I don't think the trampoline is the real issue here. The screaming probably is.
I am sure, I would find that very hard.

Actually, not all kids are noisy enough to make their neighbours lives a misery. Only the children who can't help it, or the children of selfish bastards who care only about themselves.

I don't let my children scream and shout and bang about, because I have neighbours and why should they have to put up with that noise? It's called being a normal person and having basic respect for others and not being a cunt.

SN children are a whole different ball game of course, but still you have to think about your neighbours, because you impact on them.

sounds as if your neighbour is suffering from INS (ignorant neighbour syndrome) don't rise to the bait, move the trampoline a couple of foot that way it where you want it, and you have appeased her. As for her comments about your dc am guessing she's unfamilar with his condition, or a total prat , at the risk of being inflamatory if you want peace don't live next door to kids, they are noisy bundles of joy, its their job.
good luck its going to be a long summer if shes just starting out now, imagine what will happen when water bombs come out?

thanks all,moved trampoline,doubt it won,t stop her saying what she likes about my son,will have to think of a one liner,to stop her in her tracks,as no doubt this won,t be the last time,thanks for advice so far though
,it helped me to not rise to it,and put it in perspective,don,t know how it will be when i see her next.

wish you peaceful time xxxxx