Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

for being fed up with DS constantly getting beaten up...

19 replies

AliGrylls · 20/04/2011 22:29

DS is 2 in a couple of months.

He is quite fearless and has always played with children bigger than him (usually 4 year olds) even though he is quite small. Generally I let him get on with it as most kids are really sweet and tend to look after him however, there have been a few occasions recently where he has been hit by the other child (it is not entirely blame free) and I am getting a bit fed up of it.

The mothers always say sorry and make their children say sorry but I hardly ever see them discipline their children by either telling them off in a meaningful way or being harsh at all.

They are always so gentle and TBH it annoys me. Am I being unreasonable in expecting the mothers to at least take them to one side for a chat? I am getting upset by it and I am getting to stage where some poor woman may experience the wrath of an AliG.

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 20/04/2011 22:31

Where is this occuring? At your home? In the park?

lookingfoxy · 20/04/2011 22:31

If your ds is not entirely blameless then why are you not chatising him before he winds the other child up so much that they retaliate?
Not being cheeky, a genuine question.

crashingwaves · 20/04/2011 22:33

On another parenting board I use they won't use the naughty step as it's too negative. However, I don't know as you do acknowledge it isn't blame free - I think unfortunately you can't really tell people how to parent (oh if only! )

UniS · 20/04/2011 22:40

4 yr olds will mostly tolerate a 1 yr old... BUT ... they do get fed up of 1 yr olds hitting them, pushing them and generally mauling them. AND being only 4 don't always deal with it well.

Think you may need to police your kid a bit tighter and pull him out if he's being a pain.

muminthemiddle · 20/04/2011 22:41

The only thing you can do is what your child closely and step in straight away. Otherwise stop playing with the older kids. Hard I know.

bubblecoral · 20/04/2011 22:44

You need to be watching close enough that you can identify the triggers that cause your ds to get hit, and stop it before it goes any further. A nearly 2yo can be quite annoying for a 4yo, and at 4, they aren't capable of dealing with things in the best way all the time.

Morloth · 20/04/2011 23:24

I think you need to watch more closely. 4 year olds do get fed up of toddlers chasing them and messing up games etc, still being little kids instead of saying to the mother of said toddler, 'can you stop him' they deal with it is the most direct way, which is a whack.

I would say "Hey! that wasn't very nice, say sorry" and that would be the end of it if I was the mother of the 4 year old and I would be thinking 'for god's sake woman can't you see they don't want to play with a baby right now...'

Toddlers are annoying to older kids, sometimes they think they are cute and sometimes they want to play 'big' kid games and don't want them around.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 21/04/2011 08:22

I don't know if he is being a pain / how much of one.

Yesterday I thought two little girls were playing really sweetly with him so I thought he would be alright for a minute. I turned my head for a sec to put my picnic blanket in the buggy and he had been whacked over the head. On this occasion I know there were no toys involved but I have seen him try to take toys off children much bigger than him before which is why I know it is not always blame free. It is useful to know about psychology of a 4 yo however so I will try and watch him a bit more with them. However, at the moment I find it really hard to police him constantly when I am out as I have a 5 month old as well (any suggestions in relation to this are most welcome).

OP posts:

Bucharest · 21/04/2011 08:28

I don't think a lot of 4 yr olds are mature enough to be able to deal with a 2 yr old in their midst...they'll either treat him as an extra plaything, or as a disturbance. Either way, he's going to risk getting hurt. 4yr olds with 4 yr olds can't really be trusted to be mature enough not to batter each other, so go figure with a teeny in their midst.

OTOH he's not actually "being beaten up" is he?

lljkk · 21/04/2011 08:45

"The mothers always say sorry and make their children say sorry but I hardly ever see them discipline their children by either telling them off in a meaningful way or being harsh at all."

Ah, this is me. I do all that, and tend to hover closely to prevent more violence. But that obviously isn't enough for OP (and some other parents). So what more do you want me to do? I have been puzzling over this for ages, because I'm obviously pissing people off.

marmaladetwatkins · 21/04/2011 08:49

You need to explain to your child why it is wrong to hit. What's the point in making them apologise if they don't know why they need to apologise?

lljkk · 21/04/2011 08:52

Ah, Yes, forgot to say, I do remind "Mustn't hit" (DS has language delay so I need to keep it simple). But Marmalade says I should explain to DS why hitting is wrong.

Is that what you want, too, OP?

marmaladetwatkins · 21/04/2011 08:56

I used to just tell DS to apologise/monitor him but it only worked short-term. When I actually explained to him that hitting makes people hurt/sad I could see him thinking about it. I can honestly say I never have to tell him off for hitting now as he just doesn't do it.

olibeansmummy · 21/04/2011 11:53

crashing waves i know which site/thread your on about :) i personally would tell my ds not to hit and give him time out if he carried on but he's nearly 2 as well so maybe i'd tell him off morei f he was older, but you can't decide how other people parent their children.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 21/04/2011 14:14

lljkk, marmalade has hit the nail on the head. I don't expect fireworks but I guess I do expect parents to explain to their children that hitting is always wrong. I am probably being a bit oversensitive at the moment because DS has been hit twice in the same week and I am feeling a bit sad for him. In some ways it is probably good for him if he is taking toys off other children because then being hit is a natural consequence of his actions.

Crashingwaves, I do actually agree with the point re the naughty step - well actually what I agree with is that it doesn't work. The times I have tried DS he walks away to make more mischief somewhere else. Discipline is bloody hard work I am only just realising myself.

OP posts:

lljkk · 21/04/2011 16:44

In the OP you mentioned speaking harshly, so presumably you don't just want to hear an explanation but a explanation with an angry sounding voice, right?

marmaladetwatkins · 21/04/2011 16:51

I'm not putting words into OP's mouth here but there is nothing more spleen-popping than your kid getting bashed and the parent issuing a limp-wristed telling-off. No-one wants/expects other parents to bawl their kids out but a quick and to the point "We don't hit, it HURTS people. Do it again and home for you." And actually follow it through if they do hit again.

lljkk · 22/04/2011 08:39

Explaining in an angry voice won't work, my preschoolers & young children would be so overwhelmed by the anger that they couldn't take in the explanation.
DS language skills so limited I'm sure he doesn't know what the word "sad" means, but I could teach him, using a calm voice, and by pointing to an unhappy (thumped) tot and then making a sad face (which might be comical so might make him laugh). All of which I expect would come across as "limp-wristed". So you have to choose, OP, which do you want? A "harsh" tone OR an explanation and maybe ultimatum (not sure if DS would care about the ultimatum, we go to toddler groups for me not him, but that's a separate issue).

I'm not going to do harsh tone with explanation because it'd be a complete waste of time.

Original poster

AliGrylls · 24/04/2011 19:30

As I said, marmalade hit the nail on the head lljkk. I like the sound of her style of discipline.

OP posts:

Flip