AIBU or just bitter?

[Cazm2]

Hi All - apologies for the length!!!

looking for a bit of advice really. I had a MMC at the beg of Nov I didnt find out till the scan and it was my first pregnancy.

I have found peoples reactions very difficult to deal with. My sister who is younger than me has DD who is 19 months old she was brilliant and i wouldnt have survived without her. However the rest of my family and DH family havent been any good at all. They didnt really contact us and very much us to be over it and cant understand why its still so very painful.

however I have found myself now distancing myself from my family apart from my sister as i feel angry particularly at my mum who to be honest I dont think really supported me at all. She is very much of the attitude of getup and get on with it. Her whole life revolves around my neice (who is her first grandchild) i can completely understand this however there hasnt been any recognition from her of how painful it is for me sometimes when we get together and the whole familys attention is constantly on my niece. Dont get me wrong i love my neice to bits but my mum it has to be said is completely over the top with her she will take her off people who are cuddling her or talking to her without evern realising i think she is doing it. Anyway basically i dont really any phone calls from her now for weeks on end unless i phone her. she works within school system so has been on half term and i havent heard from her heardly at all. she looks after my niece as my sister works part time and it just seems so full on.

I just feel very sad and angry that i dont really think she was there for me. I have had ibs problems and also recurrent bouts of cysistis since due to stress and upset and she basically said to me if you dont sort yourself out then your not going to get what you want are you - meaning a baby.

i then have the flip side of constant inference with DH family who are pretty much suffocating.

i guess i am now at a complete loss and dont really know how to resolve this.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that women of that generation did treat mc as something that was normal and that you did just get over. I know my mother and most of her friends had mcs at some point, but they didn't seem to dwell on it. Maybe just having more children and more pregnancies meant more mcs, so it was normalized.

Don't know if that is helpful...

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I've had 3 miscarriages and how I've been treated by people generally depends on whether or not they have experienced a miscarriage or pg loss, rather than their age. Particularly that it takes a while to recover from, and that days like due dates can be tough.

You could make a point of asking her over to spend some time together and trying to talk to her about it, but unfortunately some people will just never understand and see pregnancies as replaceable. Or you could ask your sister to have a word about her being so distant?

What's happened with your DH's family?

Also, remember to make a point of planning stuff to enjoy with your DH over Easter, just the two of you.

I've had two miscarriages (one a MMC) and an ectopic pregnancy. I have to say that for me the MMC was by far the hardest to cope with, so I'm really sorry for what you are going through

I think your mum is being insensitive to your needs, the problem I think is that miscarriage is a hidden grief, you lose a baby that was very much part of you but because unborn was not yet known to the rest of the world. Some people can't put themselves in others shoes enough to understand how it might feel.

I know that friends of mine worried about saying the wrong thing, or about telling me of their pregnancies. But really nothing eases the way you feel except time. You need to be very gentle with yourself and give yourself a chance to go through what you are feeling. You will have good days and bad. Try not to dwell on how others are reacting, try not to let the things they say hurt you. And ask your DH to get his family to back off a bit - they probably mean well but it's too much for you at the moment.

What matters is looking after yourself and your emotions, it is good you have a close relationship with your sister, and she has been supportive. It will get better, but take it a day at a time.

take care x

Some do not know how to deal with it, and generally when you miscarry before 20 weeks you aren't losing an actual child.

Having miscarried myself at 13 weeks, I received no support from anywhere, other than a sorry for your loss. I wouldn't have expected more than that from anybody as it is after all just one of those things that happens.

You cannot suffer indefinately or make others suffer.

Thanks for your words. I think i may have to speak to my mum althought I dont find it very difficult. I understand what your saying fabby but my baby was formed at 9.4 weeks and when i look at my scan i see a baby just a very tiny baby. everything forms at 8 weeks so to me it wasnt just a collection of cells.

I don't think you can understand the impact of losing a pregnancy unless you've experienced it. I had a friend who had an early mc and of course I was sad for her but I didn't get how hard it hits you until it happened to me - it absolutely knocked me sideways and I really wasn't prepared for that.
Did your Mum know you were pregnant before the mmc? I felt a bit the same about my Mum's reaction at the time but I accepted that her sense of loss cannot be the same as mine, and I'd had 13 weeks of knowing I was pregnant and all excitement that goes with that whereas she knew nothing about the baby until I told her I'd lost it.
I think a lot of people just think " oh dear, never mind, you can try again" but of course it isn't like that. And you'll possibly get people saying things that just aren't helpful but try and remember that they generally mean well. Your sister sounds like she's a great support, stick with her and your DP and try not to worry too much about anyone else.
Sorry for your loss.

hi kirrin yes my mum knew most of my close family did. i guess i just expected a different reaction from here really. but she is just so engrossed in my niece its hard for me to get throught to her. its been noticed by other members of the family also how obsessive she is with her.

sorry for your loss also.

Fabbychic a bit harsh, no?

I dont like this "catagorizing" of loss. Well, you miscarried early, so its not as bad as later, oh you lost a child, thats worse than miscarrying ect ect....

People feel grief in different ways. That is up to them. No one should tell someone what to be upset about.

To turn up at a scan and be told that must have been a horrible shock. Its sad your mother is this way, but I doubt she will change after this long. I hope things work out for you

Hi Caz. Your post really touched me. I had a mmc and ERPC at about 11 weeks. Looking back I think my mum's reaction was similar. Not the niece bit but the kind of don't make a fuss side. I really don't think that she was being callous. She was a brilliant mum and always put us first. It is true though that some people really don't know what to say. I had my ERPC in hospital and I was give no information upon discharge. Just a letter for my GP handed to me by a nurse. The whole thing was really clinical.

Unfortunately your mum can't bring your baby back although I'm sure she'd move heaven and earth if she could. So what do you want her to do?

hi Virgo

that was my experience too its very sad. i also had mine done next door to the maternity unit so could hear the babies as i was coming out.

apline - i am not asking my mum to bring my baby back but i would like occasionally a phone call asking how i am doing if there is anything i need or want. not just leaving it to me ot make contact etc becuae she is so busy and preoccupied with everything esle.

Have you told her how you feel? She's not a mind reader. From your OP you say that you have distanced yourself from your family, yet you are disappointed with the lack of contact. You can't have it both ways now you're a grown-up. Maybe she's just not a very good mum, it happens.

Tbh, after I had a mc my mum barely mentioned it except when she was pissed and sent me a text saying something like "i'm scared I'll never be a granny". Which I ignored. My father has never mentioned it. Some things are hard to articulate.

My mother refuses to talk about the ones I've lost... just goes on and on about how I should make her a grandmother... the inlaws on the other side - well they visit, but it's always on the way to a proper visit for the one who COULD produce the grandchildren - so we get an overnight saving on the hotel bill on the motorway - they get a week's stay.

We just don't matter- and woo hoo let's trot out the old "it wasn't a proper baby" line as well... what we lost was our hopes and dreams for the future, the plans we'd made, the optimism that we'd finally made it after 6 fucking years of trying (and shagging with intent gets really fucking boring after that length of time), and part of our sense of self as people. Missed miscarriages in particular are a very very hideous practical joke of nature - a kind of Jeremy Beadle in your womb event, and people... well people can be fucking idiots.

panda I am sorry for you, but I agree that our MUms generation did see MC as very normal, and tended to get on with it. Not very helpful for you! But I think that stayiong angry with your Mum, and getting hurt because of the attention on your niece is only going to hurt you in the long run. I am sure she loves you to pieces but has no idea of how upset you are

this is the way it goes sadly, and I dont think she will change!

I think you need to be very brave and tell her "I am upset, really upset, you are my mother, and it lands like you donmt care" get it on the table, you likely wont get the reacton you want, but you will feel better for saying it

hang on in there xx

Caz, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. Have had 2MCs myself now, and so far DH has NOT shone as a supportive and understanding partner - the best I've had from him is "ah well, at least we know you can still get pg" and the worst, after the recent one, was "so you were never really pg then" .
That's right, knobface, the undersized gestational sac showing on my scan pic is just a figment of everyone's imagination.

Anyway - moving along from my problems - I find that my peers and friends are a lot more supportive than anyone else. MIL lost her first DS at term (still birth) so she has been through worse; she went on to have 2 more DSs and then her DH said "no more", even though she would have loved to have had 4DC and hoped for a DD. So she has had her fair share of disappointment; but she says very little to me about it (which suits me, actually - although she's lovely, I wouldn't choose to confide in her particularly). My own mum died before DS was born and I hate to say it but I'm glad that she wasn't around for the MCs because they would have been ousted immediately by the loss of her 2nd pg, a deformed baby who died shortly after birth by CS. Awful thing to happen to her but it was the WORST thing ever and NO ONE else could EVER experience anything as AWFUL as that - so within seconds, my pain would have been eclipsed by hers.

I haven't told my sister about the latest MC yet - she will be upset for me but I want to wait until I see her. My Dad just doesn't know what to say except "I'm sorry for you that it didn't work out" - which actually is fine.

My friends ask how I am - they are lovely. :)

Sorry, seem to be turning into my Mum! Am not trying to "competitively sad" here, at all - and agree that your mum could be more supportive and at least ask how you are doing.

It's bad enough having MCs after having a baby - having one before you have a baby must be a lot worse, I think. Do tell your mum that you are in need of a bit more support and thoughtfulness - she might be thinking "least said, soonest mended" - which might work for some people but isn't working for you, so tell her.

Yes, I think you were harsh in your response too fabby.

A miscarriage isn't just a collection of cells being evacuated, like emptyshell says, it's the loss of a potential child and the future they had with you.

It might just have been 'one of those things' to you (although I suspect it wasn't) but it can be a significant loss for some people.

Porca- actually, my Mum has had miscarriage herself and been a lot more understanding than 'friends' my own age, who have been completely distant. So while it might be generally more true that it was less of a thing to older people, it hasn't been my experience at all.

Fabby - I don't think the OP wants people to suffer indefinitely, I think she just wants her mum to acknowledge what she's been through. The rest of your response... just because you handled your m/c one way doesn't mean that it's right for everyone.

Thanks for your all your replies. I think like the majority of you say i need to talk to my mum. I distanced myself from my mum recently only because of how i was feeling with how i dont feel she has bothered.

i think it makes it all the worse when she is so fanatical with my neice but then i am probably extra sensitive on that front.