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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if I am missing something or being awkward?

11 replies

unsurevalentine · 20/04/2011 11:58

Have posted here recently about my ex and his partner and them being very controlling and being mean about me to the kids and basicallly using them as a way of getting at me Sad

DS1 really likes this girl. He is 13. She is having a party on the night he normally goes to his dads. His dad lives very local. DS1 has asked his dad if he could please go to this party for a bit and be collected at 7.

Ex has some friends staying (who were our best friends when we were married and who I no longer have any contact with). They have not seen any of the kids in 4 or 5 years or had any contact (or bothererd to try since they moved away). Kids do not really know who they are Ex told DD that they have to come this night as it is the only night they have free (they are on holiday here from where they live).
Ex has told DS that he can't go to the party as these friends have come to see the kids espeacially (making DS1 feel bad) and that he will have had several drinks by 7pm and will be unable to drive and pick him up Hmm.DS1 has been in floods of tears and is desparate to go to this party.

I have said I will cancel my plans and pick him up if he really wants to go and drop him over to his dads.

His dad has texted him saying there will be consequences if he chooses not to go and that if he goes to the party he then can not go to his house later and he has to stay here with me.

DS1 now questioning me as to whether his dad has an alcohol problem becasue he is saying he will be drunk before 7pm (he doesn't), saying he thinks his dad is really selfigh and that he doesn't want to bother seeing him anymore Sad

AIBU or is he being really really awkward and making this really difficult for DS1 (and me)?!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/04/2011 12:12

Just on the face of it your ex-P is being awkward, 7pm is hardly late in anybodys eyes, he can just see them afterwards if they're that bothered about making contact after 4/5 years.

You're trying to do something for your DS when you know how much it means to him (and that goes for double when you're 13 and there's a party you have to go to) for his dad to say 'well don't bother coming over afterwards then' is just being petty and childish and taking it out on his son.

I would just let the DS go and if his dads made the decision not to see him afterwards tell your DS not to feel guilty or bad about it - easier said than done I know.

asumingitsme · 20/04/2011 12:16

You need to go and see your ex without the children and chat - it is unreasonable for someone to make their kids feel guilty when they are trying to make adult choices - i think asking his dad if he can go until 7 is a very sensible and mature thing to do and you should tell him this. You need to make DS feel like he can have a social life but he has to make the right choices - i.e party til 7 and dads after. If you keep denying him then he will just rebel and go to the party all night. A boy needs a good father figure, one who cares and shows him how to be reasonable and make compromises. Going to the party til 7 is a compromise for both. Not going at all is only a compromise for DS and is not how children should be brought up. Good luck.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/04/2011 12:20

you need to man up and actually do something instead of just moaning about it. Tell your ex that the child will not be going to his house, he will be going to the party, and that he can go to him later if he chooses to, and home to you if not.

Do not discuss, do not whine about it. Just do what is in the best interest of your child and brook no argument.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 20/04/2011 12:21

YANBU. I have teenage stepchildren and we always respect their views when it comes to visit. If they have other stuff on it's no big deal - social life is so important at this age

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 20/04/2011 12:30

I worry he is destroying his relationship with his son gradually and DS1 adores him.

Everything else is always more important than the kids though and they either fit in with him or they don't see him.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/04/2011 12:34

I don't think the OP is moaning or whining about it Winter, she's just posting a thread.

How else is she supposed to get the info across?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 20/04/2011 12:40

Its very difficult to do anything - the kids want to see him but we have to put up with all his shit (the need to have everything 100% HIS (sorry his partners) wayand I end up feeling like AIBU!!

OP posts:
HipposGoBeserk · 20/04/2011 12:50

assumingitsme's post is excellent. Could you copy and paste a lot of it into a reasonable and calm email to idiot ex?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 20/04/2011 13:18

I could possibly and it is good. Most communication like that gets ignored - or read out to the kids Sad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 13:21

This is going to be a regular thing now your son has reached his teens.

It isnt his fault that his parents are no longer together. If you were, this would not be an issue.

Your husband has to accept that his son is no longer a small child, and now has a social life of his own too, which at this age, IS going to centre around weekends.

What teenager wants to sit being bored to death with oldies, when he wants to be with his mates and new girlfriend.???

springbokdoc · 20/04/2011 14:06

Getting your 13 ds to come up with his own compromise of 7pm is pretty good! Its entirely reasonable. Who would expect a 13 yr old to care about seeing people who last saw him when he was 8 or 9? Your ex sounds more like the petulant child - 'if you don't do it my way, then I don't want to see you at all'. Hmm. If it was me, I'd let my ds go to the party till his curfew, pick him up and bring him home if his dad was going to be such a dick about it.

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