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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be devestated?

21 replies

hurtingandneedhelp · 20/04/2011 09:34

Have namechanged - because I am not ashamed but love the stupid man so much I would hate for him to be identifiable.

Only 1 printer at home, attached to DH's lappy. So anything I want I email to him and then go and retrieve myself from his laptop. Emailed it but it didnt show up so went to check junk and by mistake hit deleted folder. and then my world fell apart. Receipt been deleted for payment to an online webcamming site - porn clearly. Now the fact we are broke is also an issue, broke but paying for porn ??? Anyway curiosity took over and I logged in and found his history - he made comments which are difficult for me to comprehend, not the sex stuff, but other things - there was interaction with a number of women but 1 in particular - he told she was beautiful, he said in an ideal world he'd go and get her - she's in Romania - he told her about our children, his job, that he has a wife - but she wouldnt like this! and then the slut said 'divorce?' and he said maybe!!!!!!!!!! wtf

Now we have had a rough few years and I know I am not quite who he married and our marriage has changed and I dont like it either! but this to me is betrayal. He told another slut he had a wife and a gf - he of course says it was all just words, words and fantasy.....

He hasnt blamed me - luckily or i'd have slashed his tyres - but does say this is because of underlying problems. That I am a grumpy cow and that he doesnt feel like he wants to come home from work, that I text him saying I miss him and then when he comes home I dont even smile at him. I don't quite get how that progresses to porn but christ he's a man - can we ever understand. We have a toddler and grown children, not all at home. We have no sexlife even though I really would like one and it used to be a big part of 'us' - now I bloody well know why! A slut abroad! It has been going on 2 months.

So I love him more than life, am not a walkover, am insecure even before this. I am struggling with trusting him. I tried to log in again but cant - he says he's deleted the account. He says he knew I wouldnt like it but didnt think my reaction would be quite this - I'm heartbroken, but I love this man as much as life. I can't even muster anger I am just so hurt. I have told him if he ever does this again it's finished - he says he doesnt want that.

How do I move forward with this please? I feel so sick :(

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2011 09:40

someone will come along soon who knows what to say!!

firstly ,sympathy!!

secondly,of all the posts i've read of this sort of thing,yours,to me,seems salvagable. counselling together? an option?

Groovee · 20/04/2011 09:43

Would counselling be an option. I'd be devestated too but would try to salvage what I could.

Icelollycraving · 20/04/2011 09:44

You poor thing! Suggest you take this over to relationships where there is often good advice & doesn't get as heated.
Perhaps this could be the make or break you both need? Sorry I don't have any advice,just wanted to say that perhaps her being in a different country is ideal for him,fantasy without any pressure to actually do anything?

CareyFakes · 20/04/2011 09:46

They aren't to blame for his chatting, they aren't sluts.

He is the one married, he is the one initiating these converstions, blame lies with him.

Counselling is an option if you are both willing to give the marriage a go.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 20/04/2011 09:46

Mabe post this in relationships and avoid calling anyone a slut. It won't help.

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 09:47

I agree with icelolly. Post this in relationships :)

It sounds like he wants the marriage to be salvaged. Counselling?

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 09:48

Ha ha, only on Mumsnet would you be chided for calling the woman who has been suggesting "divorce" to a married man a slut. I think OP has been tame. I would be calling her a lot worse.

sprinklingsparkles · 20/04/2011 09:50

I think a man watching porn is ok. but YANBU! He overstepped the mark big time by talking to them. and then talking about you and your children!

It wouldn't be something that i could forgive. but i completely intolerant of any form of cheating.

You need to get over the shock, ask him to stay away for a few days. then you need to think about what you want from your life and your relationship. If you think you can't get over this then you need to be honest to yourself about it. If you think you want the relationship to work you will both need to talk a lot, and you will have to 'forget' the indiscretion happened. Only you can decide what you want.

Whichever way you decide to go you must remember that you can move on from this, with or without him. sorry if my post is a bit blunt, but i find this way more effective in a situation like this. i know it seems hard at the moment, but it wont last forever.

CareyFakes · 20/04/2011 09:51

Again, women are chided for talking to a married man who had approached them. He paid for the services, she can do what she likes and say what she likes. Money exchanged hands and HE was the one who initiated that.

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 09:52

I'm not disputing that but it's unrealistic to expect poor OP to be generous to the OW, whether she is paid or not. It's a totally human reaction, unless one is a saint of course...

lesley33 · 20/04/2011 09:53

I do understand why he would turn to porn if your relationship is not good. It doesn't justify it but it does IMO explain it. He is obviously feeling unwanted and having a pretty girl show interest and say nice things to him - even though she is being paid for it - can be an ego boost.

I think you need to address the underlying problems in your relationship. Relate may be a good idea.

CareyFakes · 20/04/2011 09:54

I would be more pissed at him, in fact I think her actions would barely register seeing as it's him using our money for this service.

springbokdoc · 20/04/2011 09:57

I take it the woman who suggested divorce is one of the one's putting on a 'show'? In which case she is hardly likely to chide him about accessing her pay-per-view porn site, is she? She knows to say things to these husbands that make them comfortable to continue to use the site and pick them rather than another girll. Hence making him think that he actually has a two-way 'relationship' IYSWIM.

OP, don't know what to say really but I would be pretty devastated if my dh did this too. But I wouldn't blame the woman in this - she's providing a service. Your husband is the one who has the responsibility. repost in relationships I'm sure you'll get some constructive advice.

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 09:58

Oh yes, he would be on the recieving end of my wrath for sure. But suggesting divorce is going above and beyond the required level of interaction for an online call-girl, I would imagine.

Hammy02 · 20/04/2011 10:00

FFS. The OP is devastated and you are having a pop at her use of the word 'slut'. It is hardly helpful to her.

squeakytoy · 20/04/2011 10:01

But Marmalade, plenty of women post on here, to get advice, and are often told to "leave the bastard"...

Original poster

hurtingandneedhelp · 20/04/2011 10:02

I have reposted - he has been the receiver of serious wrath, he has seen many many tears and desperation to fix things. I stand my opinion of the online woman - I read what she said including stuff about her own family and witnessed the footage of her -

OP posts:

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 10:02

Well, this is Mumsnet, Hammy. Thou must not forgetteth thine sisterhood or something.

Original poster

hurtingandneedhelp · 20/04/2011 10:02

Thank you for not slagging me off some of you

OP posts:

GeekCool · 20/04/2011 10:03

I totally agree with springbokdoc . Call her a slut if you wish but it won't help.
You need to examine your relationship, see if you want to salvage it and you both need to work out what's not working and how to get back on track.

marmaladetwatkins · 20/04/2011 10:04

Squeakytoy I'm not sure what your point is? Are you saying that the online call-girl suggesting divorce to OP's DH is akin to MNers advising on a thread that an OP leaves her DH? Genuinely .

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