Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't often complain of life being 'unfair' but...

22 replies

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 19/04/2011 23:47

DH is an abuse survivor. Every day his mother would beat him up, sexually abuse him, lock him in the cellar, etc. His dad was away with the RAF and didn't know until DH was 15, when his mother fucked off with one of her many lovers.

DH had pretty tough teens, alcoholism, self harm etc, then ended up married to an abusive woman. Finally broke away, and in 2002 met me, we are now married with 2 DCs and a great relationship with his 3 older DCs. Things are good. He's not been in contact with his mother (or much with his sisters, who didn't face the same level of abuse) for several years, and doesn't suffer stress migraines, flashbacks etc like he used to.

Anyway, skip to now. DH has a prolapsed disc. And I know it could be SO much worse healthwise, I honestly do, but it still sucks. He's gone from an active fun man to someone who can barely walk some days. He's been off work for about 8 months and financially things are dire. He is losing weight and very stressed. We all are.

So today he had a physio session. It basically transpires that there is more severe damage than initially thought, and this has been caused by all the physical trauma in childhood. Surgery is unlikely to work so he may actually never get better enough to work in his career again, or run like he used to, or even walk without crutches.

It's really knocked him for six hearing that the abuse is so involved in this injury. He cried in the appointment, which he hasn't done for years. He's worked so hard to 'get over' what happened - so far as you can get over something like that - and now she's ruined everything all over again.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 19/04/2011 23:51

I don't know what to say, Fried. I guess there is nothing I can say that will help or comfort.... but I want to say something to acknowledge your poor husband's terrible situation.

I hope and pray to goodness that things improve for you all.

Val x

blackeyedsusan · 19/04/2011 23:53

life is not fair, it deals out some nasty blows. it is not meant to be like this.

i hope that he can get the support he needs to get over this. Sad

It is terrible being ill, but finding out someone else caused it really throws you. (found out a much lesser problem may have been caused by being thumped and I have trouble with that, so I can imagine that it must be so much worse for your h)

MaisyMooCow · 19/04/2011 23:56

I'm so sorry to hear of all the pain your DH has had to endure through his childhood, it is truly awful.

As bad as his back problem is now and despite the information received from the doctors please do not lose faith. Back problems are so complex and it may not be as bad as it seems. A close family member of mine had a similar problem and this time last year couldn't walk. It was so upsetting to watch, she thought her life as she knew it was well and truly over. Doctors couldn't recommend anything to her apart from surgery which may or not be successful, they were clutching at straws. 12 months on she's back on her feet and living a normal life or as near to. Ok, she's not going to be running a marathon anytime soon but she's up and walking and doing just fine.

PenguinArmy · 19/04/2011 23:58

That is so :( and I wish I could offer something that would be of use. He is lucky to have a understanding wife and I hope you all as family comes to terms with his injury and learn how to move forward with all the support that you require.

It's a hard enough change in life circumstances to deal with on it's own, let alone the terrible back story.

reelingintheyears · 19/04/2011 23:59

Poor guy...
And you all.

DP had abusive parents and i know how hard it is for him.

Good luck and i hope it works out ok for you all.

ignatz · 20/04/2011 00:01

It is unfair and a huge adjustment for all of you when it sounds like things were very good. Is there any access to psychological/emotional support through the healthcare team? There sometimes is for particular specialties. If not, perhaps it could be helpful for your husband to ask for this through his GP...it's understandable that you will feel hugely angry on his behalf right now and have your own losses (of your active, fun husband; of your anticipated active future together etc.) to process so do also try to get some support for yourself - keep posting here if that helps. take care.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 20/04/2011 00:19

Thank you all. MN is so great.

DH keeps saying it'll be fine - but I think this latest news has just deflated him. Hopefully that is temporary - from a selfish point of view he has always been the strong one, I don't know if I can take that role. As it is, I'm looking for work now, I've never been the breadwinner and it's scary - although a little exciting too, if I can manage it. Trying to see the positives!

It's just going round my head, what I really hate is the uncertainty. Can't sleep so I'm going to stick a DVD on and laze on the sofa. I'm back on antidepressants (not a big deal for me) so maybe that's contributing to the awakeness.

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 20/04/2011 00:23

How awful...how bloody unfair. Poor DH. Can he start a diary or maybe write down his feelings? It's very helpful...is there something he can do from home to earn a little bit which could help his esteem? even Ebaying can be very absorbing...

TastesLikePanda · 20/04/2011 00:43

It fucking sucks. Sorry to be all sweary. My DH has a recurring and very visible reminder of the abuse he suffered as a small child but unfortunately people who don't know his situation will often make a joke about it, which just brings it all back again.

I get angry sometimes, but the people who make the jokes don't know, there is no way they could know - it's not their fault.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 20/04/2011 01:00

Indeed, and sometimes when people do hear of abuse they just laugh or minimise it because it makes them uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 20/04/2011 07:38

How horrible for something so physical to resurface and remind him. Cruel.

Thank God he has you.

Send him a (gentle) hug from me and remind him that there are kind people in the world.

exoticfruits · 20/04/2011 07:44

Life isn't fair and the bad things often happen to the nicest of people. I can't say anything to help, but just wanted to send you my best wishes.

working9while5 · 20/04/2011 07:46

So awful. My father is also an abuse survivor so I know something of the heartache involved but obviously not as much as you would as a partner.

It's just so wrong.

starerofCeilings · 20/04/2011 07:51

Oh fried egg sending a hug to you and your dh.

If need to talk or dh does pm me .not been through that kind of abuse but am currentley going through some serious back issues (spinal surgery for problem that was found to late ) that's likely to leave me with some very long term issues including moblity and other areas .and I have gone from being fit to someone I barley recognise

so have some idea how on that side he is feeling .I survived abuse my marriage break down then ds3 being dx with Sn and then this.

It makes you want to scream ffs has life not already Shitted on me enough and like you dh I always been viewed as strong but this is so fecking hard

Let dh talk when he is ready ,he may well be very scared ATM about everything and to hear you may never get better takes the wind out of your sails

and be kind to yourself to it is a shock for everyone and if you want to pm me will happily give you my yahoo if you or dh want to talk more

thebestisyettocome · 20/04/2011 07:51

So sorry to hear about this. It does indeed appear that life can be unfair at times. You must not feel defeated by the prognosis. Get a second opinion.
Your DH sounds amazing and he had a lucky break when he found you Smile

Morloth · 20/04/2011 08:00

That is unfair.

It is vile that the one person you should be able to rely upon above all others is the one who has hurt him in such a long term and far reaching way.

He must be an amazing man, full of inherent goodness and strength to have not only survived that but to have flourished in his life as he has.

It sucks that she has reached out from the past and hurt him again.

It is unforgivable to hurt your babies like that, just unforgivable.

cantpooinpeace · 20/04/2011 08:24

My friend had a prolapsed disc, off work for 4 months, couldn't stand for more than a second at a time. He's now back at work after intense physio which he chose instead of surgery.

He was also advised to use Ceragem beds which are free to use but not many franchises in UK - we live in Preston there's one here. Google it, I went on one and thought it was amazing. His back is now better than it has been for years - I'm not overexagerating either.

Your DH sounds like a strong fella to have had a happy life with you despite his cruel past, hope this doesnt stop him in his tracks x

violethill · 20/04/2011 08:36

It is unfair, its just crap that some people have so much more rubbish thrown at them than others.

However, try to focus on the fact that you two must have an excellent relationship. You sound so strong and supportive of each other, and you appreciate the life you have together, which some couples, who on the surface have things so much easier, never achieve.
Hope things look up soon

bubblecoral · 20/04/2011 08:54

You are right, this isn't fair, and you both have every right to complain about it.

I have an idea of how you feel, my dh has problems as a result of neglect he suffered as a child. Although it's not as bad as what you are going through, it makes me so angry that we (obviously mainly him) have to cope with something so hard when the damage was done so many years ago, some before I was even born.

I wish there was something else I could say, but there is nothing that will make it all go away. And that's what we want really isn't it? But you are not alone, and you are doing well to be able to try and thing to the positives. Sometimes it helps me to think that there must be a reason somewhere, and that every cloud has a silver lining, even if we don't know what it is yet.

Lots of love and best wishes to your family, I hope things get better for you.

mummylin2495 · 20/04/2011 09:02

I can never in a million years imagine a mum doing such awful things to her child.Your poor dh,after getting on so well with his life in spite of her,it has had to resurface again.I wish him all the luck in the world and hope they can fix his back,im sure with your support his life will once again be good.

MotherSnacker · 20/04/2011 09:06

That is really unfair after all he has been through. Send you both my love.

lemonmuffin · 20/04/2011 09:52

So sorry to hear you're going through this, you're right life sucks sometimes. I wish i could think of some more useful advice but all i can say is maybe look into some other forms of treatment for the injury, try and stay positive and be kind to yourselves. xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page