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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to leave DH

46 replies

LoopyLiz88 · 19/04/2011 20:58

DC were at their grandfather's last night because I was working and DH was on call. We went to bed and I started talking and he started screaming at me to go to F**king sleep. I lost it and told him to get out. He finally went in the living room and I locked the door. He then started beating on the door because he wanted his phones. I said I'd put them out once he went away. He did after alot of screaming and I put them outside the door. Before I could get he door closed again he was trying to get in the room and pushed the door against my head. I have a huge bumb and it still hurts.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/04/2011 13:28

If OP was working & her husband on call, I hope that they weren´t both drunk

I sometimes try to talk to my husband when he´s trying to sleep.

It´s not to annoy-sometimes seems the only chance.

If he grunts or mumbles incoherently, I take the hint & shut up

But shouting & swearing-totally unecessary.

Although I don´t understand why OP lost it to the point of making him get up tbh.

In this case it sounds like the proverbial 6 of one..

But I´m also not saying that OP deserved to be physically hurt.

jojowest · 20/04/2011 13:35

just wondered why he told you off for drinking?

Original poster

LoopyLiz88 · 20/04/2011 13:45

Bc he thinks we shouldn't drink when SS is home

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 20/04/2011 15:50

sorry but i tell my wife to shuit the fuck up when she natters in bed but she knows I dont mean harm by it and she never goes in a huff about it. Did you just take it the wrong way?

i can understand your husband wanting his sleep if he is on call and can be woken at anytime.

Why did you over re-act and ask him to leave? why did you not just leave?

Did he mean to hurt your head or was it an accident?

Soory but sounds like both of you are at fault if not more you for over re-acting in the first instance and making the situation 10 times worse.

OTTMummA · 20/04/2011 17:21

I don't think it is ever acceptable to shout at your partner to Shut the F**k up when they are just trying to have a chat, what other way was she supposed to take that MrSpoc?
' ah yes dear, of course sorry i forgot my place, how dare i try and speak to my superior husband without being told i can speak freely '
fucking wanker.

Spero · 20/04/2011 19:54

I am left wondering what is the 'right' way to take being told to 'shut the fuck up'.

Merlotmonster · 20/04/2011 20:57

sounds nasty from both sides...i wouldnt like to be told to 'shut the fuck uo' , but if my husband locked me in a room i would be even madder.....sounds like you would benefit from some time out.. good luck

OTTMummA · 20/04/2011 21:16

She didn't lock him in a room, she locked him OUT of the bedroom, presumably because she didn't feel very safe with him being in there, you know with all the verbal abuse he shouted at her moments before hand.

backwardpossom · 20/04/2011 21:50

I'd still be interested to hear his side of the story.

mrspnut · 20/04/2011 21:58

If my OH told me to "shut the fuck up", he would be somewhere else by now. How disrespectful and to not even have apologised later on.

I hope you do go for counselling separately and eventually together when you have worked out what you want from couples counselling.

diddl · 21/04/2011 07:29

Of course he shouldn´t have said that, but why talk when he´s trying to sleep?

(And yes I have done it)

Is it a thing that you do often OP & that you know annoys him?

Also, no children there, so was it really the first chance to talk to him?

Animation · 21/04/2011 08:00

Yes, you had a right good old barney there! Probably was 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

A good opportunity to let it out and have a good shout whilst the kids were away though - and a bit of pushing and shoving won't have done you both any harm. Sorry about your head - hope he didn't mean to do that - and hope he said sorry!

CareyFakes · 21/04/2011 08:04

No-one should be intimidated or made to feel fear in a relationship, man or woman. It's not just a 'barney'. She felt scared, I would too if I had some man/woman banging and ranting at my door.

Your home is your home, it's not a place to fear. If he didn't want her to talk in bed, he could've just politely said he was trying to sleep.

Animation · 21/04/2011 08:08

CareyFakes - looks like they both lost it and gave as good as they got to me - just a big old bust up.

CareyFakes · 21/04/2011 08:12

Reinforces the delight that I happily live without a OH tbh. Been in a relationship like that and was scared, despite 'fighting back' it was unhealthy and destructive.

Animation · 21/04/2011 08:22

Well yes it would be unhealthy and destructive if they made a habit having these scenario. I'm cautious to jump to the conclusion that the OP is some victim though - she stood up to him and locked him out of the bedroom - good for her - that'll teach him to push his luck! Now she's asked for counselling and he's agreed.

Seems to me that they might be able to figure this out as equals.

CareyFakes · 21/04/2011 08:26

Fair point Animation. Just recently completed a training course on Survivors of Domestic Violence so still in the 'zone' as such

Animation · 21/04/2011 09:13

CareyFakes - that sounds like a good course! It must be a relief to be out of that and get your life back. Being in the 'zone' though you'll be the right person to pick up on the warning signs of trouble ahead.

Spero · 21/04/2011 20:00

Crikey. I don't know if I have been single for too long, but a 'bit of pushing and shoving' never quite made it on the top ten list of qualities I long for in a relationship. Is it really ok to indulge in a 'bit of pushing and shoving' ? And to tell each other to 'shut the fuck up?' Is this the standard now?

Still, it is cheering me up about not being in a relationship.

GeorgeEliot · 21/04/2011 20:48

YABU. It is really really annoying if your partner speaks to you when you are trying to sleep and are feeling incredibly tired. So what if he swore at you?

Partners should be allowed to get angry with each other occasionally without the other one threatening to walk out on the relationship.

It should be Ok to show your emotions - you shouldn't swear at people you work with but at your immediate family, occasionally, it is OK. IMHO.

Spero · 21/04/2011 20:55

I guess we all have different standards. I don't think it is ever ok to swear at or push or shove your family, the people you should love and respect above all. I am not saying 'leave him!' the minute it happens, but I would expect an apology and a promise that it wouldn't happen again.

I don't think it is ok to let your emotions leak out all over the place. Particularly not if there are children about who can see or hear what is going on.

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