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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family ......

12 replies

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 19/04/2011 11:12

it is nothing major, actually fairly trivial, but this sometimes really annoys me ....

Years ago when Nieces and nephews were young we would always take the kids small gifts, whether a Tube of smarties or comic, nothing big, but we always had something for them. We saw them at least twice a month. Also, we would often babysit, once a month. Now their kids are older and we have little ones but the SILs have babysat just once and never buy anything for the kids, aside from birthdays etc.

And last Easter the SILs asked for money instead of Easter eggs for the older kids which I agreed to due to the timing of the request. Tis year I am going to refuse money and give them an egg.

AIBU to expect small gifts for kids and not to hand over money instead of eggs?

OP posts:

MissPaintyOeuf · 19/04/2011 11:15

YABU to expect gifts of any kind, frankly.

The money instead of eggs thing is trickier; if it's because SIL doesn't want her DCs getting too much chocolate, then I think it's a fair request. If she's just being greedy, then YANBU.

stillstanding · 19/04/2011 11:16

I think you are BU to expect small gifts, I'm afraid. Personally I quite like getting little things for my nieces/friends' children etc particularly if I haven't seen them for a while but I would hope that there is absolutely no expectation of such a thing and that when one is produced it is a treat and not a "right".

As for money, I loathe giving money instead of presents and think this is outrageous. But I do understand the overload of chocolate at Easter and can see SIL's point .... I wouldn't give money tho - a small present instead would be my approach.

MrsCarriePooter · 19/04/2011 11:16

Maybe the SILs (assuming the nieces and nephews are their children) didn't want the drip-drip of constant little treats (especially sugary ones) so are doing what they wish you'd done instead?

YABU to expect your children to get stuff the whole time. And I personally - particularly having done it last year - would give the money again this year rather than an egg (as long as it's just what you would have spent) - I can't see why you want to deliberately ignore their request.

sausagesandmarmelade · 19/04/2011 11:17

Love the name!

It would be nice if they would give something to your kids....it's good that they at least remember birthdays etc....but you can't really expect anything. You don't give to receive do you?

As for giving at Easter...give whatever you want to give....be it an Easter egg, a book or whathaveyou.

bubblecoral · 19/04/2011 11:17

YABVU to expect gifts, however small. I have a friend that always brings sweets for my dc, and while I appreciate the thought, I don't want my children to be fed crap every time she visits.

As for eggs, it dpends how much money she is expecting. I don't like my dc being given the huge amount of chocolate that seems to appear every Easter, but I would never ask for money instead. It's more expensive for the giver to have to give a decent amount of money when you can buy eggs so cheaply nowadays, but I do prefer it when relatives give money instead because we have a nice time going out to spend it.

strandedbear · 19/04/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pozzled · 19/04/2011 11:19

Sounds to me that neither of you are BU, but you have very different expectations. Personally, I wouldn't be very happy about a relative bringing my DD a present every time they visited, even just a small gift. I wouldn't want to build up a culture of expectation, and I'd want them to see the visit itself as a treat IYSWIM.

I don't think you're wrong to buy presents at all, it's a lovely thought but perhaps your in-laws see it more the way I do?

With the eggs, are they likely to loads and loads of eggs? I don't like the idea of asking for money instead, but I'd be happy to buy a small present rather than an egg to stop them gorging too much on chocolate.

stdorothymantooth · 19/04/2011 11:20

Yabu to expect small gifts, just because you did it they are not obligated to do the same.
The money instead of gifts thing may be because they are a bit old for chocolate eggs. I always get my DN a little bracelet or something from accessorize she's 16 now and wouldn't really want a chocolate egg.

Original poster

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 19/04/2011 11:22

Maybe I came across as expecting gifts all the time .... It was several years of babysitting and giving small gifts because we wanted to. I just thought that it would be nice for SILs to babysit without saying no all the time and to occasionally get a comic for the kids. I kind if feel taken advantage of ... They had it their way with free bay sitting and they won't reciprocate. We rarely see the cousins so I just didn't think asking for a chocolate bar or comic was unreasonable once a year!

OP posts:

stillstanding · 19/04/2011 14:30

Babysitting is tough though. Maybe your SIL can't actually offer to babysit?My sister babysits mine occasionally and is lovely about it but when the time comes when she has children I won't be babysitting hers as I will have my own at home to look after (unless obviously she is happy to drop them off at mine).

I suspect though that what you are expressing (ie no presents, no babysitting) is not actually the point but rather that you are picking up a "not interested" vibe which is far from ideal ...

carney · 19/04/2011 14:39

If they don't want eggs for whatever reason then fine - but to ask for money instead !!!

youngjoly · 19/04/2011 15:14

Sorry I agree with the others...

I personally hate it when my inlaws always comes with treats for my children. To me it smacks of trying to buy their love, which I really dislike. I guess though that it is just different cultural expectations as it not something we ever do in my family, and something I would never do for other people. To me it is just wrong, and whilst it irks me that my ILs do it for my children, I smile sweetly and tolerate it because it is their way.

As for wanting money instead of eggs, I don't have a problem with that. I have never asked for money instead, but have suggested that family might like to get a small book or toy (bubbles etc) instead. In the past, my girls have ended up with over 12 eggs each, and last year we didn't actually finish eating them all until almost november! So again, if they're not a big fan of chocolate and treats that may be where they are coming from. I know lots of my friends have asked for money / gifts from their families instead of chocolate, as it can be a huge waste of chocolate / money. I think easter eggs are a con anyway!

As for babysitting, whilst it is nice to offer, I don't think it is something you can expect in return. I suspect you were free when you offered and did not have any family commitments? If they have older children, then they're not actually in the same boat as you are they? They may still need to take their children out to their hobbies, collect them later on - children get more hassily as they get older, not less!

Whilst the things you did for your nieces and nephews were lovely, I don't think you should give in order to receive, and therefore I don't think you can or should expect the favour returned to you. Sorry.

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